As with all good awards nights, we need to start proceedings with a boring self-indulgent monlogue (except when Billy Crystal is the MC). I was going to celebrate my 100th post by writing a glowing piece on what a terrific writer I am and how I can make the English language dance and sparkle.
There are two reasons why I didn’t take that approach: i) Like a little kid doing something funny/cute/potentially dangerous in front of adults who are encouraging him by their laughter, I’ll just keep posting until everyone gets bored. In other words, the blog wouldn’t exist if you guys didn’t read it, and ii) you guys have read my stuff so you would have known it was bullshit.. So I’ve decided to honour you instead.
Everyone receiving an award tonight is a blogger in their own right, and I regularly read all their blogs. But before we commence the presentation of awards, I’d just like to pay special tribute to three people (listed alphabetically to prevent ego bruising), Julie and Marnie(MJ) who have been consistantly supportive from the beginning and Ree, who has been an inspiration to me as far as how a lighthearted blog should be. Take a bow Julie, Marnie and Ree.
And while I think of it, the judges decision is not, I repeat not final. If there is an award that you think you should have won, don’t be crestfallen, or worse, sit there steaming, you know where the ‘comments’ button is – use it.
So, to the awards………
Most unsuccessful attempt to dodge the bullet: Goes to Robin for ‘Be NICE to me…I’ve sent traffic your way’. Ha! a wasted effort indeed.
Most unsuccessful desperate attempt to dodge the bullet: Hey, waddya know, it’s Robin again for ‘You are soooooooo handsome! You’re the best author in the blogosphere!! Your craft or words makes me wanna be a better person…………..’. I would have been flattered (and extremely gullible) had I not known exactly what she was up to!
Best contributer in a supporting role: A tie between Julie and Marnie.
Runner up: For her early encouragment – Pixielyn
Best Blog Prommotion: Julie did the equivalent of changing me from singing in the shower to performing at Madison Square Garden overnight when she put a link to me in her Blogging Chicks Carnival post, thanks Julie.
Best Prommotion for a Foriegn Blog: Poineer Womman for her shameless attempts at bribery, if it wasn’t so brilliant it would be sad.
Best Family Effort: This was extremely difficult to choose but ultimately came down to the only family who entered. Let’s hear it for the mother and daughter team of Pamela and Karmyn. Just a minute, folks…. Talk about a desperate attempt at inclusion! Amanda heard that there were tremendous prizes on offer and, just as we were about to go to air, posted a comment. Rules are rules and as you’re part of the family, congratulations you’re in. Too bad about the prizes though (there ain’t none).
Best Endurance Effort: An amazingly controversial award with claims of bias and unfair criteria being thrown about like feed to the chooks. But in the end it has gone to Robin because she gave me the idea in the first place (unwittingly).
Best Disappearing Act: Also known as the Huodini, has gone to Pixielyn.
Best Disappearing Act without Reappearing: Goes to Carolyn, her one and only comment, asking if she could mark me as a daily read was followed by silence. I think this had something to do with the fact that she mistook me for a christian when she followed a Blogging Chicks link here but soon found out I had a pottymouth. Sorry Laura, you were in contention for a while but your recent appearence has made you inelligble.
Runner up: Moral Highground for a supportive comment early on and then ‘poof’!
Shortest comment: No contest here, Beth wins hands down with “#5”
Shortest comprehensible sentence: Heather for “Seriously, elephants?”
Most cryptic: Beth wins again with “I=I’m”
Runner up goes to Susan for “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father prepare to die.” (What the….?)
Best translation of a swear word: Shauna for “turn the f*()!*@ light on”
Best exclaimation: Too hard to pick a winner so I’ll just list the nominees, when you recognise yours, please take a bow…fodwox!;… Yikes!;… Ooooh!;… WOW! Holy Moly!! (yes that was one exclaimation);… YOWZERS !!;… OMG!!; …Arrgh!(ok that one was mine);… WOW! Holy cow!(another double ex);…OOooooo, ouch.;… Aieeeee….The Birds!!!
Most creative use of a gramitical device: Beth wins yet again for her use of ellipses for whatever reason takes her fancy. (talk about ironic positioning for this award, seeing as I just used 9 of them incorrectly, the last one wasn’t mine, and in fact wasn’t even an ellipsis as it has 4 dots).
Best Geographical question: Susan again for “you do have wolves there, don’t you?” (I’m sorry Susan when I thought I had finished giving awards, I realised that I didn’t have anything for you, and not wanting you to feel left out I went over your comments, and found a virtual treasure trove).
Most excited at being Tagged: Pixielyn for ‘crap. I’ve never been tagged. *pout* how do you spell harumph?’
Best notification that a Tag has been completed: Pixielyn for ‘There! done. Are ya happy?’
Most charitable description of meeting a fuckwitt: Songbird turned this brainsnap into polite, descriptive prose by describing it as ‘an irritating, maddening encounter’
Best use of an acronym: Julie has brought what looks to be an impressive set of text message/instant messaging skills to the blog world and will generally let you know what she’s doing as she’s writing, which is mostly laughing but occassionally she does the more dangerous act of rolling on the floor and actually laughing her arse off. This practice seems a bit painful to me and could make it hard to find jeans that fit well around the butt.
Runner up: Shauna.
Most Dramatic Single Letter Typo: Has to be Marnie for ‘your hate reminds me of Brokeback Mountain’.
Most inflamatory comment: Marnie (see above) for accusing me of being homophobic, a lable I strongly reject. While I’m no homo, I’ve go nothing against them, hell my boyfriend’s one!
Most blatant calling me a liar: Beth for ‘Come on..a dozen kangaroos? I don’t think so..’
Best title for a multi-part post: And the winner is Susan in VA for the “eye doctor trilogy”
Best use of emotional description: Carrie wins this easily with the following entries, *pout*, *ponder*,*boggle*, and while not an emotion, a word that I find fascinating – Poop.
Best insight into bodily functions: This is a topic close to my heart, and I’m pleased to award it to Heather for ‘I probably farted before he did’
Best representation of a dry heave: Ree for ‘Blech. Blech. Blech.’
Oldest excuse in a new context: This goes to Marnie for ‘blogger ate my comment’
Most incriminating comment: Goes to Susan in VA for ‘Beth took my adjective.’
Best Pithy Coment: I had a really hard time with this, but thankfully Karmyn saved the day with ‘yes, your sis-in-law is a bitch – and hey, I’ve been to Abu Dhabi!!!!’. It wasn’t really pithy, more like clever, but this is as close to pithy as it gets on my blog, thankfully everyone here is very civil and supportive. I left a pithy comment on Ree’s blog once and felt so bad that I emailed her to apologize and she hadn’t even noticed. Yep, I could slice you and dice you with my sharp tongue.
Best Pithy Comment regarding an Animal: The award goes to Ree for ‘Keep your stinkin’ Beagle.’
Best Pithy animal comment by a non-blogger: This is the only award given to a non-blogger but had to be included due to its sheer humanitarian sentiment, the award goes to Marlboro Man for ‘But first, two of our other dogs have to die.’
The Hasidic award for characterisation: A late entry form Karmyn wins with ‘Secrets schmecrets’
Best Comment in a Foreign blog: in response to a tirade about clowns on 123 I love you, an Irish girl commented “I hate them too. When I was young I went to a circus and clowns killed my parents”. I went to her blog and it was all as strange as that.
Most likely reason why Dubya got elected twice: This is a late entry and wasn’t even a category until I got this gem from Heather ‘To be honest, I have no idea what it is I’m voting for, but I vote all the same.’
The Barbara Walters Award for most sustained questioning goes to Julie, no surprises here.
Foreign Blog Awards: (blogs other than OUAB)
Most Consistantly Entertaining: Confessions of a Pioneer Woman.
Most Wholesome: Another Chance Ranch.
Most glad that I’m not the auther: I didn’t say it was your fault…… for her Story of Me series.
Hardest to get in to: I Drank What? That password never works!
Most Indepth Posts: L’chaim. Well written but you have to pay attention.
Best Historical Feature: The Dust Will Wait for Mommy,Where Did I Come From?
Best Dramatic Post: Another Chance Ranch for Not My Day to Die.
Best erotic Foot photos: Pensieve. (kidding!)
Longest to Load: A Prairie View. (Carolyn’s blog, really pretty but I’ve never seen it fully loaded, I make no secret of the fact that I have the attention span of gnat).
Well that’s about it. If you haven’t visited the blogs of those who comment on Once Upon A Blog, I strongly suggest you do so, everyone is really noice (that’s an Aussie accent). If you have been left out, please accept my sincere apologies and let me know what you should have won. Remember, there are no losers here, just people who weren’t silly enough to push the ‘publish comments’ button.
You’ve been a wonderful audience, Thank you and Good night.
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