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The Story of me. Part 1

Inspired by Marnie, I thought I’d try a brief history of me. Apologies in advance for the self indulgence….

I was born in Sydney at a very young age. In order for my mother to return to work, I was shipped off to to live with my grandparents. Both my brothers, being a good deal older, were already in school. When I was old enough to go myself (school you idiots, not the toilet) I was taken back into the family, where I spent the next four years being tortured by a sadistic older brother. In fact so sadistic was he, the only option for him was to join a religious teaching order so that he could have an unlimited supply of small boys, which he did.

Graduated high school with the highest grades in the region, but decided to go to work instead of continuing my education. This was much to the horror of the Vocational Guidance Counselor, who on reviewing my IQ and aptitude tests, exclaimed that it would be like putting a V8 engine into a Mini Minor, something to this day I’d like to try.

So at 16 years old, I became an indentured apprentice (an archaic term and an even more archaic practice). Spent the next four years the victim of repeated episodes of verbal abuse, physical abuse and initiations (once is never enough when you’re having fun, this is construction we’re talking about) all the while trying to learn a trade and cleaning upafter thr tradesmen. All this and I still had time to get everyone’s morning tea and lunch orders, go to the shop, get the food and the change correct (we’re talking up to 25 people depending on the job and if you short change someone you’re in trouble) and have the tea and coffee ready for when they showed up at the lunch shed.

The day I completed my apprenticeship I was fired, which was just the first of a number of misfortunes that befell me within a week and a half of each other, the others were: the first true love of my life left me for an ugly son of a bitch with an abnormally large dick and the ability to breathe through his ears (ok I made up the bit about the ears, but the bit about the dick, reportedly, was true), I lost of the house I was renting and finally my dog ran away, never to be seen again (sounds like I’ve got the makings of a country song doesn’t it). All this and I was still only nineteen. Kinda puts things into perspective.

I soon discovered the financial benefits what are known as ‘bush jobs’. So for several years I lived in hotels in the middle of nowhere working on construction projects in areas where there just wasn’t the skilled labour available, in fact there wasn’t anything available. Went to New Zealand (my first big o/s adventure) and was robbed of everything I owned (including all the money I had save up until this point) within 48hrs, when someone broke into my room. This taught me a valuable lesson about security, and I never lost anything again.


Speaking of Cowboys

Cheese and Rice!(a profanity substitute), I could have made one of these and shipped it to the States for you to see quicker than the pictures loaded today!

Anyway, there is someone really talented in Murrurundi, I particularly like the way these things get their colour from the patina of rust that forms on them. Oh, and they’re lifesize.

And speaking of cowboys (Shauna), here’s a close up of them, I’m not sure what the guy on the right is doing, looks like a game of pocket billiards.

And while we’re talking about cowboys, I made another pot of beans last night. Trouble is I threw the recipe out by mistake (I can get it again off the net, I just didn’t want to log on just for that), so I did it from memory.

I don’t know what I changed, but this morning I got a telegram from the people who monitor the Kyoto agreement telling me I have exceeded my greenhouse gas emission limits for 2006! You could have attached a hose to my butt and powered a small town for a week.

But it gets worse, all night long my damn bed looked more like a hot air balloon than a bed, I just couldn’t keep the covers down. The dogs didn’t seem to mind, they just thought I had bought a new kind of air freshener.