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Is that the Trevi Fountain over there?

I’m not all that confident that this will translate into print, being one of those classic ‘you had to be there’ kind of stories. But the truth is, it’s not about the story. It’s about teaching that lowlife, slack arsed, luddite best friend of mine a lesson.

I have been telling him for over a month now that if he doesn’t look at my blog (I’ve got a sitemeter and I’m trying to make it look impressive, so every bit helps) I will write an expose about him. So far no sign of him, so here it is.

ET and I have many shared interests, but its our differences that have made us friends for so long, kind of like we’re the yin to each other’s yang (hmm that doesn’t sound too good, I just know pamela’s going to ask me which side I part my hair, again). Fact is, I’m a knockabout sort of Aussie guy, while he’s one of those bon vivant types. For him its wine, women and song, whereas for me it’s beer, the old lady and tv. Speaking of wine, he loves the stuff with a passion, it’s a shame it thinks so little of him.

Apart from being one of the most cultured people I know, ET is also one of those very engaging conversationalists that give you the impression that they’re actually interested in what you’re saying. Sadly, I on the other hand, have a habit of walking away while someone’s talking to me if I’m starting to get bored. Must be ADHD or something.

One day we were at a party at a friends house and ET was at his charming best, for you see as long as we’ve been friends, he’s been in a relationship with the same woman (they got married about a month after us, but they were together for about ten years before), so in all the time I’ve known him, has never had that stench of desperation that single men have when trying to talk to women.

So here we are in the kitchen after consuming copious amounts of wine, talking to two friendly girls. ET is leaning against the sink regaling them with one of his many stories, when all of a sudden in mid sentence he puts his hand up as if to stop traffic and says “Excuse me” and then calmly turns around and does the best impression of one of those fancy fountains that I’ve ever seen. I’m talking about a stream of liquid so perfect in it’s trajectory that you can’t help but marvel at the engineering involved in making it. I’m telling you, it was an ephemeral work of art! The main difference being of course, that most fountains use clear water and ET’s was more like that red cool-aid colour.

Having produced one of the all time great works of performance art, he turned back around and continued the story at the exact spot he was at before he paused to fill the sink. For the next few minutes he calmly talked and cleaned at the same time so that by the time he was finished the story, the sink was sparkling. The girls were too stunned to say anything and I just buckled at the knees and ended up on the floor in hysterics.

There is an addendum to this, but I’ll give him one more chance before I write it.

16 Responses

  1. Sounds like ET used most of the Multiple Intelligences all in the same night. You are a such a talented writer, I can put myself at the party and see that happening.

  2. Hee hee! I would have been on the floor laughing right there with ya. Hope ET doesn’t show up for a few days so we can get the rest of the story.

  3. That is too funny!! Nice comment about the wine too!

  4. That was great.You’ve got to write a book of short stories.Ref the hair:Do you wax it? I guess the sphinx is out of the question.

  5. Hahahah!! That was great. For some reason I find other peoples embarrassments extremely funny.

  6. hee hee! I hope ET doesn’t read your blog for a LOOONNGG time – I sense more stories about him coming!

  7. Oh puke, that story was just volitile and your projecting that wine smelling vomit story on us was just retched, I mean wretched. It will be forever more externally ejected from my memory with force, projectile removal.Actually it was hilarious and poor ET when he does arrive to read about his wine wastage.

  8. Wait, did he vomit? Or was he just being silly and impersonating a fountain?Either way, I would have been in stitches, too. I might have peed my pants.He sounds like the pefect yin or yang to you yang or yin…or…something.

  9. Can someone else admit here to being as addicted to the comments as well as the blogs and if one more of us readers starts a blog I’m going to have to get up at 4AM instead of 5 AM so that I can read them all. Im so addicted and my family is getting knarly.

  10. What a story!! The funniest part for me was ET carrying on afterward as though he did this type of thing at every party. Hmmmm….maybe he did?

  11. Main Entry: Ludd·ite Pronunciation: ‘l&-“dItFunction: nounbroadly : one who is opposed to especially technological change Main Entry: bon vi·vant Pronunciation: “bän-vE-‘vänt, “bOn-vE-‘vänFunction: nounEtymology: French, literally, good liver: a person having cultivated, refined, and sociable tastes especially with respect to food and drink Main Entry: ephem·er·al Pronunciation: i-‘fem-r&l, -‘fEm-; -‘fe-m&-, -‘fE-Function: adjective1 : lasting one day only {an ephemeral fever}2 : lasting a very short time {ephemeral pleasures}Ok, for those of you who KNEW what all those words meant, congratulations. Yeah, yeah, I can get through well enough on context, but sheesh! I can’t believe NONE of y’all mentioned the extensive use of such impressive vocabulary. Must’ve been the imagery of ET spewing in the sink without missing a blink. I believe I saw Pete rotflhao;)Vintage “Once Upon a Blog”–bravo (with hands clapping and hat tipping). I must not get this far behind again.

  12. LMAO I want to hear more 😉

  13. Ree, that would be yes on barfing.Robin, is that what those bastards mean! Seriously, I didn’t even use a dictionary or thesaurus for them. I just thought I’d try to lift the tone seeing as we were talking about barfing.pixielyn, I’ve said before “It’s all about the comments”Swampy, thank you, that’s high praise indeed coming from a teacher (unless of course you were a maths teacher, they wouldn’t know well written prose if it bit them on the arse)

  14. I’m glad to hear that he puked, because up until the “red Kool Aid” part, I thought he suddenly decided to take a leak. Sorry.

  15. OH!!! AT first, I thought it was barfing – and then I pictured peeing – which made me laugh even more….By the way, – I posted a picture just for you, WT on my blog.

  16. Did I ever read this? And where’s the addendum?

    I know you have the answers.

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