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Of course I’ve had Artichoke before!

Just before I met MDW I went out with a woman who was a real piece of work. Not only was she a drunk, but she was a nasty drunk. In fact she was such a bitch that its amazing that I ever got married because at the breakdown of the relationship I made a solemn oath to myself that I would never date again. Two weeks later I met my wife but that’s another story (one that’s been partially told, I started this a long time ago).

Anyway, Terri (I’ll use her real name because she’s a bitch) came from LA too and her mother lived in Pasadena, so we drove down to visit for a few days. It only took a few minutes after meeting her mom to understand why Terri was such a bitch, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”. Her mother was even more of a piece of work than she was.

After a couple of days of constant jibes like “do you have running water in Australia?”, and “do you have cars or do you ride kangaroos?” I was starting to get pretty pissed off with the pair of them. Oh, the mother was a drunk too. So the day before we were to head back to SJ her mom says we should all go out for dinner. ‘We’ meant Terri, her mom and her brother plus the mom’s boyfriend (an ex-lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers, fuck he was big!!) and the brother’s girlfriend.

They decide to go to the Brown Derby, there were four in LA but only one still remains, the one on Los Feliz. We order our meals, mine came with a whole artichoke (and a bowl of mayo). Terri’s mom says “have you ever had an artichoke before?” and by this time I was fed up with their crap, so I lied and retorted “what, do you think I’m a hillbilly or something?”.

OK, now I’m assuming that all of you have had artichokes before, but in case you haven’t let me explain one thing, you do not try to cut them open like you would a baked potato. I’m telling you, it took at least 10 minutes for everyone to stop laughing and 3 days for Terri to stop mentioning it (which was precisely how long it was before I told her it was time we went our separate ways).

Credit to whoever’s photos I’ve borrowed for this post. None of them are mine.


17 Responses

  1. I am laughing so hard I can barely type…..I’m sorry….you poor man…I also would have lied or else made a big production about not liking artichokes. I hate being condescended to or being made fun of in a vicious way. Terri deserved to be booted out of your life.

  2. Does this have something to do with my Shelia coomment?What is a Sheila anyway?..and by the way, I’ve never had an artichoke….at least those not out of the can…

  3. Man that sucks. It’s too early for me to comment in any meaningful manner.Not awake.Someday I’m going to have to go thru your archives and read your ‘story’.♥Pam

  4. PAM…….! STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING NOW AND READ HIS FREAKIN’ STORY!!! And you HAVEHAVEHAVE to read the trips to the eye doctor, too. If you aren’t awake enough when you begin, you will be, I promise!!! Peter….you idiot! Nevah, nevah, NEVAH fake it (one of my many mottos). I’d bed this was one of the few times you’ve done so.I have never eaten a “real” artichoke, and because I’ve had the (dis)pleasure of accidently eating them (canned and processed and pureed) in appetizers before, I definitely would be ordering a different side. LOLing remembering once when I sampled what I thought was a seafood dip at a party, and instead, my tongue met the most disgusting dogfood-type taste imagineable. YUCK. Of course, that was followed by telling a friend not to try “that”, it tasted like canine pate, and her reply was, “Oh, that’s what I brought.” geezlouise, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!“Terri (I’ll use her real name because she’s a bitch)” — my first gigglesnort of the post; “Credit to whoever’s photos I’ve borrowed for this post. None of them are mine.” My last. btw, What the heck is the relevance of the last photo??? Hat tip to you for at least conceding you should’ve photocredited somebody….

  5. I remember the first time I ate a real artichoke. I was with my husbands incredibly wealthy father and I was trying to impress them and (because I AM a hillbilly) I tried to eat a whole leaf of the artichoke. Then my husband told me that you’re just supposed to eat the bottom part. Sigh.What’s the point of artichokes anyway? Does anyone actually like the way they taste? Why do I have to go through so much trouble to eat this thing that doesn’t taste good anyway?I’ve since banned artichokes from my life.And I’ve never been happier.Glad you dumped the bitch.

  6. I’m sure that the 10 minutes was plenty of hell – let alone the 3 days following – – -sorry, laughing at your expense. . .

  7. oops!! Artichoke got the best of ya, huh?? That was pretty funny though. My mom used to make them, but she would buy smaller, tender ones, take the outer leaves off, and cook them. You could cut those with a knife so you actually weren’t wrong!! But she hasn’t made them in years because all we ever find any more are the large ones with the touch chewy leaves. Blech. And really….picking the leaves and sucking them is really so classy isn’t it???

  8. Oh Pam! You have to read the CSI post as well! Take the day off, you have a lot of catching up to do. I bust a gut last night when CSI:Miami was on and they were using that stupid little flashlight. McD and I both thought of WT. Artichokes? Um, ewww! I had an artichoke dip that wasn’t too terribly bad. But it was bad enough that I never wanted to eat it again. I felt really bad for the chick that made it. I think she went home with almost all of it.And WT, I think I would have said I was allergic. 🙂

  9. I’m glad others have difficulties with artichokes. I LOVE artichokes, but have always used them from a can for dips and salads because I didn’t know how to cook them. Until someone said, “You don’t cook them yourself?” making me feel like the world’s biggest idiot. So I’ve tried several times now. I removed most of the artichoke and sautied the middle. Not bad, but the tips were too crunchy. I steamed it. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. It was the pick and suck technique all the way.By the way, I think the person that said made the big deal about me using canned artichokes must do that herself, because when I’ve had them in her salad, they are definitely just like my canned artichokes.

  10. I’ve eaten plenty of artichoke but never fresh — that is to say, I’ve never had to peel one myself. I suppose I ought to get around to it, in the event that I’m placed in a potentially embarassing situation where knowing how would come in handy. Not that such things ever happen…

  11. I guess I had weird parents. We often had cooked artichoke, with little bowls of butter to dip the leaves into – before sucking them. I used to really scrape the heck out of them with my bottom teeth, but it was a helluva lotta work for so little meat!I love artichoke dip, too, but only buy the canned hearts nowadays.

  12. Ah, yes. This post reminds me of the time when I was 16 and went with my boyfriend and his family to a seafood restaurant. I’d never had shrimp before, so I figured there was “no time like the present.” My boyfriend’s mother looked at me and said “What are you crunching on, Sweetie? You did peel the shell off of the shrimp before you ate it, right?” Of course, I did not. If it’s really quiet, I can still hear the laughter.

  13. A quick thrust o’ me sharp knife and I would be havin’ taken care o’ ‘t.Ya horn swollgin’ swabbie! Tis better to live the code than be waitin’ on a sissy girl who ortin’ t’ be keel hauled!

  14. I’m a little worried about red mary flint; apparently she, with Elvis, has left the building.Suckin’ artichoke leaves…hmmm, tiggerlane….meaty veggies (go figure). Heather, too, with her “pick and suck techniques”…

  15. Robin – the last photo is supposed to be a baked potato (looks more like a bread roll to me)Jenny and Claudia – I agree, to me they’re just something to put the mayo on. MDW likes them so I have them every now and then.Shauna – laugh away, I wouldn’t write it if I didn’t want you to laugh.Julie – if I had knwo what a prick it was going to be I would have probably come up with something, but it looked harmless enough.Susan – you poor thing, it’s one thing having it happen as an adult, but as a teenager you must have been dieing inside.James – you’d really only do it for the reason you stated, the canned ones have all the best stuff and the leaves are overrated.Heather and Tiggerlane – see Robin’s last comment.

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  17. I have a wonderful recipe for artichoke and Jalapeno dipWe had artichokes hearts in the fantastic pasta salad that the caterer fixed at the 30th wedding anniversery. it was awesome.As for cooked ones. whole. No way..I love to eat… but I don’t want to take that much timeI hit publish instead of review — sorry

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