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Avast, me panties!

Dalnott_032I guess it’s pretty clear by now that I’m not one to be trifled with. Having a mind like a steel trap, a tongue as sharp as a skinning knife, the courage of a lion and the cunning of a fox  makes me a formidable dude. And not being able to tell whether I’m a camping goods store or a pet store makes me somewhat schizoid.

As you would know by now, I’m a force of nature, with a sunny disposition and problem with wind, so it’s obvious that I’m not a fair weather friend, in fact I’m as loyal as a Beagle (that’s three pet shop, two camping goods and a weather report if you’re keeping score).

It’s evident that I’m a serious writer who brooks no insult and tolerates no babbling, I’m rock, an island, a port in a storm (shit! now we’re adding geography and more weather reports).

So what I’m saying is, don’t mess with me! (You know, I can’t help thinking this would be much more believable  without the picture).

PS. I’m not sure, but I think that they are incontinence panties. If you really want an experience, do a search for "big girl’s panties", (if you’re feint of heart make sure you have safe search turned on).

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35 Responses

  1. Hmmm… nobody said you couldn’t photoshop yourself into those things so I think the picture fulfills the requests. Duly noted not to mess with you. Between the weather, geography, pet and camping supply qualities you make even the worst things seem lame.

    Last one to say “not it” scrubs the poop deck. – “Not It”

  2. No words, just a laugh track.

    And the pun police are knockin’ on your back door.

    I will never, ever issue you a challenge. There’s no doubt who will have the last word. No. Doubt.

    I lied, there were words.

  3. Pirate Willowtree…I believe you’re standing over that babbling brook you mentioned…don’t those things ever shut up??
    Anyways…I’ve busy for a day or two and totally miss out on blog warfare and challenges…figures…

  4. okay I’m going to make a confession.

    I am a crotch watcher. I’m working on this habit. It’s hard to break.

    Is there such a thing as a Christian Crotch Watcher?

    This has JUST became my favorite blog.

  5. Mark – what’s photoshop?

    Robin – cue the laugh track.

    Claudia – who’s figure are you talking about?

    Vicki – “Is there such a thing as a Christian Crotch Watcher?” do you mean that you only stare at Christian Crotches?

  6. Not only is this holy shit hilarious, it looks like your legs are melting candle wax. Awesome.

  7. “Not It”
    “OMG”
    “…and no one had to double-dog dare you”
    “AR-R-R-R Maytee”
    “I will never look at another pirate the same.”
    “My eyes are on fire.”
    “She-i-i-i-T”
    Did I say, “Not It?”

  8. WT – it’s kinda like paint – but harder.

    swampwitch – thanks for playing, since nobody else is.

  9. EEEEK! Yikes!!

    I guess it’s a good thing that I crumble at the mere thought of confrontation. I would run away crying if someone said something mean to me (*sniff*).

    Nice picture! I like the hat.

  10. One more thing. When I pulled up your blog, my 7 year old son was standing next to me. Upon seeing your picture he yelled, “What is THAT?” Not “WHO”, but “WHAT.” Hee hee.

  11. 1. “Not it.” (I got your back, Uncle Mark)

    2. I always heard that men couldn’t get cellulite.

    3. I like the photoshop job you did. Making it look like you *weren’t* originally wearing panties and a pirate hat. Very nice. I’m not falling for it.

    4. Am I the only one more disturbed by the knee-highs than by the pirate panties?

  12. Great way to “Ping” your blog. Anytime anyone googles the words:

    Big Girl Panties
    Christian Crotch Watcher
    legs are melting candle wax
    pirate panties

    Once Upon a Blog is going to show up. Way to go!!!

  13. Okay – I just googled Christian Crotch Watcher and sadly, WT, you are not at the #1 spot.

  14. Can you Puh-Leeze put the moon shot back up? I can’t handle much more of this.
    Still, “Not It”…Mark, I ain’t scrubbin’ no poop deck!

  15. P.S. (What’s a day without at P.S. around here?)
    Jenny, My grandmother had knee-highs that looked better and I don’t think she EVER wore B.l.a.c.k. big girl panties but I don’t know for sure.

  16. i figured you would have figured it out…
    btw…I just saw your new saying at the top…hehehe…funnyfunny. that reminds me of how my aunt drove!

  17. 1. Saying “not it” is so juvenille.

    2. Wait. I forgot we were talking about a guy in huge panties and pirate garb. Never mind.

    3. I am so disturbed by the knee-highs that I can’t look away.

    4. I think those would look more like girl panties if they had ruffles on them, or maybe some rhinestones that spelled out “Diva.”

  18. Sorry Mark, I was being funny (well I thought I was anyway). By asking “what is photoshop” I was inferring that no image enhancement had been performed. It was actually done using MS Paint, for the reason you explained.(ie easier)

    Jenny – no you’re not the only one, I found the knee length socks the most disturbing part of the picture too (and not just because they were real). However, in my defense, knee socks are fairly common in Oz.

    Karmyn – holy crap! what does that say about our society if there are multiple sites returned for “Christian Crotch Watcher”?

    Swampy – I think these may be your grannies panties.

  19. Almost forgot…Susan, you let your 7 year old kid stand next to you when you pulled up my blog?? I’m afraid my opinion of you as a mother has just slipped a bit. It’s still way up there as far aa a humorous writer goes though.

  20. WT – I, too, was trying to be funny but I only joined the party recently so our mutual misunderstanding is sort of explainable. I did pick up on your suggestion that no image enhancement was performed, and to the untrained cataract or glaucoma afflicted eye that’s totally believable. As a tree hugging Mac user I didn’t think anybody actually used Paint anymore, but you’ve proven that theory wrong.

  21. This is what happens when I don’t read your blog for a few days. O. M. G.

    Uh…I just gotta know, are the panties in a BUNCH??

  22. Well, I’m immune from all this folderal. So I can’t be ‘it’.

    I had a bit of a head spinning episode trying to piece together all the innuendos and sarcasm…

    boy do I feel left out of the loop. But that would just be par for the course. Just a bit out of step of all the popular kids. *sigh*
    ‘Tis my lot in life.

    *back of hand to the forehead in a “just about to swoon” southern belle manuver*
    ♥Pam

  23. Mark – don’t worry, pretty soon we’ll be finishing each other’s sentences like an old married couple. As for using Paint, I’m a simple man, complex, but simple.

    Tiffany, that’s not a bunch, that’s my manhood.

  24. Manhood or not, it’s “panties in a wad” people,
    not
    “panties in a bunch”…come on !
    “Still, not it.”

  25. (Does joking about incontinence bother me? That DEPENDS!)

    Hey… I love the picture. It is beautiful tropical grasses and green. A perfect backdrop for a pirate in his panties.

  26. You are hereby banned from all photo editing software for a period of one week.

    Regards,
    Management

  27. Dear Management,

    If you ban Willowtree from his photo editing software, there’s no way we’ll experience these choice snippets of pictures, once thought to have gone the way of ah ha’s “Take on Me” video from the 1980’s.

    Please keep the readers in mind.

    Regards,
    A Known Terrorist

  28. Dear A Known Terrorist,
    Well, at least Management only banned him for a week. Maybe that will give him time to locate ‘the moon shot’ to possibly remind us that at one time those legs weren’t covered in cellulite did have a tan… heaven only knows that one does need some photo editing. I was almost blinded by it.

  29. Aw, crap!! I got here late, and now it looks like I gotta scrub the poop deck!!

    Maybe I can escape by saying, “Not it!” now and hoping someone comments after me!!

    Please, someone comment after me!!!

    Oh, and I’ve only heard the likes of “poop deck,” “incontinence panties,” and “Christian Crotch Watcher” together before in bad, tasteless nurses’ jokes. I feel so at home here!!!

  30. Did I send you a photo of my granny panties, looks somewhat like my legs. Ah who am I kidding my legs aren’t that nice! 🙂

  31. LOL, I so needed a smile right now!

    A Dingo’s Got My Barbie–perfect!

    I’ve been in a bit of a fog over here, but it looks like my last words should be “Not it”.

  32. *eyes slightly crossed* OMG what a picture. Paaalleease not the knee highs.

  33. ummm… not it..

  34. I have not been able to come around for a few days. Good to see Christian Crotch Watcher remark raised your comment number. =)

    I will not elaberate (spelling?) on the crotches I do watch. It’s not a planned thing. It just happens.

  35. 2 words.

    Bikini wax.

    Have a nice day!

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