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We’ve all seen the countless bad news stories that are constantly shown on the evening news. Ferocious acts of nature and vicious acts of mankind. But there are a few common items that always leave me shaking my head in wonder.

Have you ever noticed that the reporter on the scene in Ohio, when reporting on a tornado that has ripped some small town apart breathlessly exclaims "Jim. You wouldn’t believe the destruction! It’s like a bomb has gone off". No, it’s like a tornado has hit. But then the guy on the scene in Cairo reporting on a bomb blast that has demolished a cafe laments to the camera "Oh Jim, you wouldn’t believe the devastation, it’s like a tornado hit the building!". Ah no it’s exactly like a bomb went off.

If I may be permitted to make an observation; there is about as much likelihood of a tornado ripping through downtown Cairo as there is of a bomb exploding in Findlay Ohio. Just report the facts guys. And I’ll wager that the guy in Ohio has never seen a bomb go off, and the guy in Cairo probably hasn’t seen a tornado.

But my favorite is the pitiful fraud victim who tearfully explains that the only reason they’re on the national news telling the world how fucking stupid they are, is so that no-one else gets caught up in the scam. Fuck off! You know as well as I do that in order to make money any way other than either working for it or investing in blue chip stock, someone is going to get screwed. Now that you realise it’s you who got screwed what you are really saying is, "Help catch this muthafucka so that they go to jail and then hopefully the satisfaction of knowing he’s getting to know his cell mate real well will make me feel about getting ripped off".

So just say it you turkey, we all know what you mean anyway..


15 Responses

  1. A bit twitchy, eh?

  2. DUDE, LMAO here!! I saw this Dateline or 20/20 episode, one of those news shows, about these “oh, so poor victims” of the Nigerian black money scam!! They weren’t VICTIMS, they were willing participants in a “get rich quick” scheme. Jeesh!

    NO sympathy!!

    BTW, has my husband visited here? I think he had that very same rant recently.

  3. Too funny! It is amazing how reporters always find the most ignorant, uneducated person to interview in a disaster situation too….those reporters have a radar for that sort of thing – umm would that be a dumbdar?

  4. I have no pity for people who get ripped off in such obvious scams. In fact I plan to fund an educational campaign to teach people not to fall for them as soon as my money comes in from Nigeria.

    What I don’t get is that I’ve gotten easily 30 emails all about the same guy who died in a plane crash and left millions sitting in a bank. Why don’t they at least come up with different stories? At this point I’d send them a buck just to come up with something a little more creative.

  5. Are you talking about that Ex-Congresman from Iowa? The one who’s son is dating the daughter of an Ex-president.
    He’s in jail because he’s the “victim” of at least three Nigerian Scams?

    Yes. I was rolling eyes in opposite directions. He was such a victim, that his friends were out millions of dollars.

  6. It’s a shame that that the new fangled whirlamajig called the internet is causing so many poor folk out there to be scammed. I believe every single thing I read on the www, if it’s on a web page, it must be true! Just the other day I got an email from Amazon.com telling me me account was compromised, and that I needed to follow the link right away and give them all of my personal info to change my password.

    I still haven’t received my winnings from the British lottery, though.I’m kind of bummed about that. I had some things I was going to invest in online.

  7. What’s even more interesting is how sports announcers come up with new ways to describe the same play we’ve seen for decades. And always so vividly! With unbridled enthusiasm – like it’s magical!

    Saw the scam program, too – and thought about how many of those Nigerian emails I’ve received. Doesn’t EVERYONE know about this scam by now? Losers!

  8. A little bit of bitterness.
    I love metaphors, but not when they become hackneyed and just downright stupit (stupit is the superlative of stupid, by the way).

  9. I agree with you, there is too much sadness and sickness out there. I can’t stand to watch the news anymore, I cry.

    I also become frustrated when I witness an “unbiased” report. Just report the news and shut your cake hole for Pete’s sake.

  10. What? you mean those nice Nigerian businessmen aren’t going to give me money? And I am not the lone inheritor of millions of dollars? I’m crushed…absolutely crushed…

  11. LOL!

    I seldom watch the news anymore–drives me crazy. Reading it online is bad enough.

  12. OUCH!

    I’ll have to be more careful when I say things like “This house is a disaster! It looks like a tornado ripped through here!” No. I really just have three messy kids.


    “My head’s about to explode.” No. I just have a headache. I’m sure it won’t explode.

    Ahhh. Thanks for the laugh. I haven’t read anything this funny in a while. You know, you’re pretty funny when you’re mad.

  13. Now wait a minute, I wasn’t talking about the Nigerian people, those guys are on the level…

    Jenny I agree, I’ve had 15 different distant relatives killed on the same stretch of highway in Nigeria. Someone needs to send a repair crew quick.

    Cheeky – not only do they manage the find the dumbest bastards around, usually the ones who have lost the most in the disaster, they always ask them the same probing question “How does this make you feel?”. Shit!
    “Well Jim, I feel pretty bad”. Fuck you Barbara Walters for coming up with that one.

    Tiffany – yes I forgot about that! And what about when they refer to sports stars as heroes, I hate that! It’s not like they ever refer to marines as good sports.

    Heather – a stupit metaphor is a dagger to my heart. But hackneyed simile, that’s like a blow with a sledgehammer.

    Susan – you should be OK if you stay off the national news. But about your head exploding, have you thought about maybe wearing a hat?

  14. ROLF that is funny… and so very true.

  15. Kila – it must be a short drive.

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