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Wolfden Bar and Grill Episode 4

**A minor update just in case you’re not familiar with the concept, only those signed up for the Soap are actually in the story.

"Previously on Wolfden Bar and Grill…" 

After tirelessly salting away the proceeds of her artworks for years, Wolfbaby had finally been able to realise her long held dream of combining the two most important things in her life (beer and blogging) by buying a Bar and Grill and installing high speed internet connections for the blogging community. Things started out well, and in its heyday, you were likely to see as many as thirty or forty bloggers sitting in the book section feverishly sending IMs to each other. But things soon began to unravel, with several unexplained pregnancies and some mysterious disappearances, not to mention some pretty weird characters with laptops in search of a lapdance.

Now, six months later things seemed like they could spiral out of control at any minute, one half of the bloggers had disappeared, one half were pregnant, and the other half (what? oh nevermind) were devastated that their unexplained pregnancies had mysteriously disappeared. To say the situation had become dire was, well, another way of saying things didn’t look so good. And now for Episode 4….

Wolfbaby was listlessly pushing dirt around the top of a bar that had seen cleaner days with a rag that had seen even cleaner days. She looked defeated, like someone who put a dollar in a vending machine and got a roll of Certs instead of the Hershey bar they were really after, even though they were sure they pushed the right buttons.

"What’s wrong Wolfie? Are you worried about all the disappearances?" inquired Susan, putting aside her roti panas for a moment.

Shooting her a withering glance that would have peeled the paint off a wall, Wolfbaby pleasantly replied, "What, are you stupid or something? This is a goddamn Soap you moron! People go missing all the time dammit, that’s for the fucking writers to worry about." This was a Wolfbaby few had seen, so there must be something seriously wrong, or maybe her Tourette’s was just playing up again.

"What is it then Wolfie?" asked Moof, for no other reason than to get into the story.

"I may lose the Wolfden in a hostile takeover."

"Who to?" chimed Heather, in an attempt to prove that she was real good with words.

With a venom that fell just short of curdling the milk in a jug on the bar, Wolfbaby retorted "Medicos sans Folicled Derrieres."

"Why would a group of humanitarian Doctors want to own a bar?" asked Fallen Angels, showing a better grip on sentence structure than Heather, but also an embarrassing lack of general knowledge.

"That’s Medicines sans Frontieres you fuckwitt (ok, that one was warranted), this is a group of people from the local hospital with a shared interest both in emergency procedures and butt waxing. That’s them over there." Wolfbaby pointed to a table where a conspiratorial huddle was in progress.

Seated at the table, deep in conversation, were Dr Rob, Dr A, Patient Anonymous, Difficult Patient, Qualicum RN and her conjoined twin Smalltown RN (that’ll teach her to call me a girl). This band of nogoodnicks, had formed a consortium to wrest control of the bar from Wolfbaby so that they could install an Emergency Room and Beauty Salon in the rooms out the back that had previously been used for evil experiments, but were now lying idle, since most of the evil geniuses had gone missing or were pregnant. While their true purpose was still unclear, it seemed that the most likely motivation was that they were all tired of having to walk the two blocks between the bar and the hospital to get a drink, and the hospital still refused to sell liquor in the operating theaters.

"So that’s it then" said Dr A, "we’re all agreed that when we gain control of the bar, we change the name to BloggERs, Booze and Brazilians."

While these machinations had been taking place, Pamela and Karmyn had entered the Bar and were now in heated conversation with JIP, Mysti and Jungle Tart at a corner table, Pamela always sat in the corner because she had a square arse. All of them except JIP were worried about their unexplained pregnancies, and were trying to get to the bottom of the mystery, (actually Jungle Tart was just trying to get to Mysti’s bottom, but that’s for another time).

"I can’t believe, the only link between the pregnancies is that we all got emails from Willowtree" said Pamela incredulously.

But it was true, for unbeknown to this group of knocked up novelists, Willowtree had long been fascinated by the concept of conception via electronic communications. His interest went back years, in fact, to the time in elementary school when he completely misunderstood Sister Blister’s warnings that digital stimulation could lead to unwanted pregnancy. Ever since then he’d been determined to discover how to convert sperm into it’s binary code for transmission over the web instead of over his pyjamas. It now appears he has discovered the secret to the secretions. For years, what had merely been a hobby suddenly became an obsession when Smalltown RN performed an accidental gender reassignment on him in the last episode. Ironically, after spending millions of dollars on scientific equipment, he discovered quite by accident that all it required was a Playboy magazine, a Ziploc bag, a secondhand flatbed scanner and a cheap computer (and you don’t even need the ziploc bags if you have one of the newer, self cleaning scanners).

Karmyn, who had been idly drawing circles on the floor with her big toe during the background narrative of Willowtree’s diabolical plan, looked up and moaned plaintively "I don’t like this, I don’t like this one bit. What with me being an alcoholic drug addict with bipolar disorder, just out on bail for multiple homicides an’ all, I’m not really sure that this is the right time for me to be having a baby."

"Stop your whining!" Pamela shot back compassionately, "You’re always complaining about your petty issues, what about me? I’m expecting octuplets!"

"Well Pam, you have no-one to blame but yourself, I told you to get a reliable sperm filter for your computer," chided JIP who had done just that, in fact she had bought some effective, but very expensive anti-sperm software from, you guessed it, Willowtree (a case of art imitating life you might say), and was therefore still able to wear the jeans she wore in high school.

Suddenly the door burst open and in staggered Laundress clutching a crumpled paper bag oozing a strange colored substance in one hand, and a Big Mac in the other. Pearls and Dreams rushed over to support her. "You’ll never guess what I just found" was all Laundress was able to get out before she went limp and sunk motionless to the floor (how come everyone makes her go limp?).

Will those evil bastards get control of the Wolfden? What will become of all the missing bloggers? How will the pregnancies turn out? What should you drink while you’re having a Brazilian? Did Willowtree even read the first three episodes? Tune in next week when Dr.Rob will answer these questions, or not. Maybe he’ll just do what I did and ask a whole bunch more and leave the mess for someone else to clean up, who knows? You won’t if you don’t come back and read Episode 5 of Wolfden Bar and Grill.


33 Responses

  1. Genius, my friend… pure genius. You met and exceeded my expectations. “Warnings that digital stimulation could lead to unwanted pregnancy” is the single best line. I’m still laughing at it. Well done, sir. Well done.

  2. that was fabulous….I never would have thought it to take off that way…very creative…I just wonder if the BloggER’s, Booze and Brazilians get the bar…I can hardly wait to find out….that was a fun read…you did Wolfbaby proud

  3. heh heh heh – I’m still reeling from this comment: Pamela always sat in the corner because she had a square arse Clever, very clever.

    Somehow – the plot has thickened, but not really.

  4. ROLF i think i just pissed myself… that was of course right after I woke the kids up laughing so hard… darn my chest hurts now…

    That was fantastic!!!

  5. Terrific writing! Bravo.

    A story that only a man could/would conjure up!

  6. I cracking up.. which of course makes my arse now in the shape of triangles. I can sit in both corners.

    Love you WT

  7. (pulling a Willowtree)

    Sorry, your post was too long. I just scrolled to the bottom.

  8. A big thank you to everyone for your support, I guess that makes you my jock-straps.

    Anyway, it’s a bit of a gamble doing something like this, I was worried I was going to get a communal WTF?

    “Marnie, you may be the only smart one among us.

  9. Okay, WT!! WTF??!!

    Nah, just yankin’ on your chain.

    It’s really, really cool!! Better than chook stapling!

    You, my dear, have a style all your own. Work it!!

    I think I’m tired now. Matthew says I have to stop laughing ’cause he’s not going to pick me up off the floor anymore,

  10. LOL…all we need is someone to cue up the music!!

  11. “Marnie, you may be the only smart one among us.

    That would look fabulous engraved on a plaque.

    (Do American’s spell plaque “plack” like check? Or does that question forfeit my engraved plaQUE? If so, I take it back.)

  12. We spell it and say it just like the stuff on dirty teeth marnie

    but we say it “play cue”


  13. That is um. . .quite the soup opera.

    And what no evil twin?

  14. I’m assuming that I’m anonymous?

  15. I’m off to buy a reliable sperm filter for my computer. BTW…I read all of your post…WOW! How much time did you spend on this one? I’m impressed. You need to submit it to that service you linked us to the other day.

  16. Beth – huh? please explain.

  17. Pamela – we normally say ‘far que’

    Swampy – not as long as you might think.

    Janice – you’re assuming that neither of the conjoined twins is evil.

    Marnie – this is the most comments I’ve had from you in ages, maybe you shouldn’t read more of my posts.

    Stephanie – can’t you just get Matthew to give you the keyboard and put the monitor on the floor, then he could go back to bed.

  18. ha ha that was good 🙂 Excellent writing..

  19. I can’t say that word, WT. But, I’m going to try tomorrow — I’m going to say that to the hubby and see if he gets that “What the farq (without the ue” look in his eye — which he often does when I jibber jabber about the blogs.

  20. Did you or did you not mention an “anonymous” in your story..I’m assuming that was me because I would hope that you not forget me in any story that you post…does this make any more sense or am I still confusing you?

    Has this been lost in Australian translation?

    Does anyone else know wtf I am talking about?

    Um..yeah, don’t answer that.

  21. Here’s an excerpt to make it perfectly clear:

    Seated at the table, deep in conversation, were Dr Rob, Dr A, Patient ANYONYMOUS, Difficult Patient, Qualicum RN and her conjoined twin Smalltown RN (that’ll teach her to call me a girl). This

  22. ROFL! Hilarious. Clever.

    “Karmyn…idly drawing circles on the floor with her big toe…” Too funny!

  23. Brilliant, you poop!

    Really, I was laughing pretty much the whole time.

    Poor Karmyn, an alcoholic drug addict with bipolar disorder. I wonder what she did to deserve such a fictional fate.

  24. Beth – I put an update at the top of the post after you first commented, pretty much just for you (I even made it red so you wouldn’t miss it), but in case you can’t see it, let me explain…

    This is a writing exercise where each person takes a turn at writing an episode, only those involved in the writing of the story are actually in the story.

    Patent Anonymous is a blogger who is part of the exercise (if you go to the sidebar you can see all the participants). This has been explained about 4 times over the past month, but as you’ve been MIA I’m not surprised you don’t know what’s going on. Hell even if you had read every post I’ve ever written I still wouldn’t be surprised!

  25. uhhh…thanks for the hand-off. Part of it got blocked out, however, due to a filter on my computer. I will do my best to carry on this proud tradition.



  26. Well, that’s just plain not fair. I wanna play.

  27. Rob – Good luck with that, I look forward to seeing some fancy moves.

    Beth – It’s not too late to join in if you want to, just got to Wolfbaby’s site (it’s in the list of participants on the siddebar).

  28. Beth, the more the better;) if you want me to add you to the list either as an actor or writer/actor just let me know.

  29. count me in, Wolfbaby..I’ll be an actor….tell me what I need to do.

  30. Haha, fascinating. I need to start checking blogs on the weekends again. If not for your e-mail to me I might’ve missed this one.

    Wait a minute, Willowtree e-mailed me…

  31. Yes, yes I did send you an email.

    And now James, you must give me one million dollars for the antidote or you will never see your trim boyish body again! Muahahahahaha!

  32. Oh my goodness! This was fantastic. I finally made it over here to see how we are/were progressing. I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do when it’s my turn. Excellent job!

  33. I am soo far behind in the soap reading … Bravo .. Bravo ….

    I must say, all these people expecting me (Pearls And Dreams ) to catch them from falling must be awfully sore!

    My real writing is getting in the way of my for fun reading and writing.

    I must get some blogging back or I will be one of the missin before I know it!

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