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Got Milk?

We have lots of milk products here, you can get it in practically any form you like, except fresh. For instance, the picture on the left has Devondale long life milk, Dairy Farmers long life milk, Nestles sweetened Condensed milk, Bear Brand Evaporated milk, Carnation Creamy Evaporated milk, Allen’s Milko Chews and Black & Gold Milk Bottles (the last two are  lollies), oh and of course there’s Dairy Farmers actual milk at the back.

I left out all the powdered milks because frankly I didn’t want to buy any, at least all of this stuff I’ll be able to use eventually.

While we’re talking about milk, what about Mother’s milk, I can’t say that I’m all that keen on the taste, but I do love the packaging. But this is not about mother’s milk, in fact I’d like to express my feelings on a different kind of milk (I just couldn’t resist that pun, sorry). I’m mean Plutonium milk, milk that has been so severely irradiated that you need to wear a Hazmat suit to drink it.

Yep I’m talking about UHT (or Ultra High Temperature) milk, that godsend for all those people who have neither a fridge nor a full set of working taste buds. I can’t remember if you guys have it or not, but even if you did it wouldn’t be too popular on account of it tasting more like bovine urine than bovine baby formula.

Just have a look at the ‘Best Before’ date (notice it’s not even a Use By date, which means that you can still use it next Christmas), and that’s if you just keep it in a cupboard, not even a fridge.  I’m telling you, this shit glows in the dark! In fairness however, I must say that is the best milk to use for cappuccinos because it really does froth well.

Now, what about these guys, evaporated milk? Excuse me? What exactly does that mean? Did someone leave it out in the sun until it all dried up and then scraped it in to a can? I honestly don’t know, but what I do know is that unlike the UHT milk (which doesn’t taste the best but can be drunk straight), this crap will kill you of you try to drink it. You can use it in coffee, but I don’t even like that.

Looks like Nestles has cornered the market on artificial milk. When I was growing up these actually used to be separate companies and there was no Nestles in sight, they just made chocolate back then.

Coming to the end of the milk look-alikes we have Sweetened Condensed milk, this comes in cans too but I prefer the tube, because if it’s in a can, once you open it you have to use it all or it turns into plumbers putty. I kid you not, but squeezing this onto toast used to be my favourite breakfast treat when I as younger (MDW almost barfs if she sees me do it now). If this looks like yesterday’s random grocery item that’s because they are cousins, this is Coffee and Milk, hold the Coffee…


And last and most definitely least, the lollies (candy to some of you)….



I can’t say for sure, but I have a suspicion that once all the other milk impersonators have been on the shelf for over 10 years and can no longer be sold, they are processed even more to come up with these sickly sweet, gooey delights.

Now while I think of it, cancel all your plans for Friday (your Thursday), because that’s when I’ll be doing the granddaddy of all weird food items, that black, salty, velvety yeast extract we all know and love, yep stay tuned for the Vegemite chronicles.