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Got Milk?

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We have lots of milk products here, you can get it in practically any form you like, except fresh. For instance, the picture on the left has Devondale long life milk, Dairy Farmers long life milk, Nestles sweetened Condensed milk, Bear Brand Evaporated milk, Carnation Creamy Evaporated milk, Allen’s Milko Chews and Black & Gold Milk Bottles (the last two are  lollies), oh and of course there’s Dairy Farmers actual milk at the back.

I left out all the powdered milks because frankly I didn’t want to buy any, at least all of this stuff I’ll be able to use eventually.

While we’re talking about milk, what about Mother’s milk, I can’t say that I’m all that keen on the taste, but I do love the packaging. But this is not about mother’s milk, in fact I’d like to express my feelings on a different kind of milk (I just couldn’t resist that pun, sorry). I’m mean Plutonium milk, milk that has been so severely irradiated that you need to wear a Hazmat suit to drink it.

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Yep I’m talking about UHT (or Ultra High Temperature) milk, that godsend for all those people who have neither a fridge nor a full set of working taste buds. I can’t remember if you guys have it or not, but even if you did it wouldn’t be too popular on account of it tasting more like bovine urine than bovine baby formula.

Just have a look at the ‘Best Before’ date (notice it’s not even a Use By date, which means that you can still use it next Christmas), and that’s if you just keep it in a cupboard, not even a fridge.  I’m telling you, this shit glows in the dark! In fairness however, I must say that is the best milk to use for cappuccinos because it really does froth well.

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Now, what about these guys, evaporated milk? Excuse me? What exactly does that mean? Did someone leave it out in the sun until it all dried up and then scraped it in to a can? I honestly don’t know, but what I do know is that unlike the UHT milk (which doesn’t taste the best but can be drunk straight), this crap will kill you of you try to drink it. You can use it in coffee, but I don’t even like that.

Looks like Nestles has cornered the market on artificial milk. When I was growing up these actually used to be separate companies and there was no Nestles in sight, they just made chocolate back then.

Coming to the end of the milk look-alikes we have Sweetened Condensed milk, this comes in cans too but I prefer the tube, because if it’s in a can, once you open it you have to use it all or it turns into plumbers putty. I kid you not, but squeezing this onto toast used to be my favourite breakfast treat when I as younger (MDW almost barfs if she sees me do it now). If this looks like yesterday’s random grocery item that’s because they are cousins, this is Coffee and Milk, hold the Coffee…

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And last and most definitely least, the lollies (candy to some of you)….

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I can’t say for sure, but I have a suspicion that once all the other milk impersonators have been on the shelf for over 10 years and can no longer be sold, they are processed even more to come up with these sickly sweet, gooey delights.

Now while I think of it, cancel all your plans for Friday (your Thursday), because that’s when I’ll be doing the granddaddy of all weird food items, that black, salty, velvety yeast extract we all know and love, yep stay tuned for the Vegemite chronicles.

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29 Responses

  1. Got milk?

  2. okay… I was being a mimic.

    That tubed stuff just is a riot.

    we do have condensed and powedered variety here.

    And probably eleventyjillion coffee creamers.

  3. Jeez. . .more freaky stuff in tubes. Total NASA food. Do they stock Tang on every shelf, too? I’ve never been to Australia, but the food items so far make it seem as distant and strange as visiting the moon. I guess if the closest grocery is hundreds of miles away as the dingo scurries, what else can you do but buy the (gag, gag) high temp milk.

  4. You forgot a picture of breast milk!!

  5. I recognized two things today, that’s improvement. I’m trying to figure out how come I’ve never seen milk in a tube–NEVAH! I mean, that could be dangerous…you might squirt toothpaste in your coffee and THAT’S enough to put me in therapy! Shivers!!

    I’m am VERY proud of you for your restraint in NOT including a picture of the packaging for your beloved mother’s milk…

    Is the UHT milk a solid that you add water to? Or when you break the seal does it come gushing out? I’m a little concerned it has to be safety sealed.

    This post reminds me of one of Mark’s medicine cabinet posts…

    btw, do you have any idea how many typos are in this post??? I think you must be having a dairy breakdown or something!

  6. OK, stop it ! The morning I have been on a total liquid diet for 24 hours and YOU post pictures of food ! And, a liquid diet of NO milk products at that ! Thanks. Only 6 more hours, and I can go devour some fast food restaurant.
    Be sure to stop by today if you have time…I have comments from UK, France, Ukraine, Ireland, and New Jersey…all foreign lands. Would be great to top it off with one of your profound statements. Would make my day, especially since I can’t eat anything.

  7. Okay, I love milk and all, but something about this post made me nauseated. That longlasting milk…that just ain’t right. And those milk bottles finished me off.

    I can’t believe all the food-in-a-tube you Aussies have. That trend definitely does not exist in the American grocery industry. Tubes are for toothpaste, sunblock, and KY Jelly…not milk and coffee.

    But hey, I’m not here to judge.

  8. I drink soy milk . 🙂

    Although I’ve used condensed milk in fudge ( just made some peanut butter fudge ) and German chocolate cake. I don’t have much use for evaporated milk. The milk in a tube is quite interesting. Would definitely travel well in my saddle bags.

    I think those little milk bottles are cute. They use to make some bottle shaped candies here.. towards the gummy-coke flavor I believe.

  9. Here in the South….(the US south that is….)every proper kitchen has a supply of evaporated milk. We use it to enrich gravies, soups, frosting, pies, and most importantly, mashed potatoes! It’s good in coffee too! Very yummy!! My mother would be proud.

    Love the tube products!!1

  10. What about clotted cream? I love clotted cream, but I can’t seem to find it anywhere in Kansas. I’m not even sure what the stuff is. I had it while visiting Scotland. All I know is that it is pure heaven.

    As for the UHT milk, I remember my dad coming home when I was 7 and talking about this nifty invention. I didn’t quite believe it. Last year I got the chance to see and taste some for the first time. My 16yo brought some home from a long camping trip with friends. No one had been brave enough to use it. It sat in our pantry for months until I ran out of milk and used it in a recipe. I didn’t tell anyone until after they ate–and they all wondered why I wasn’t eating:o) I think I gave what was left in the carton to the cats.

  11. evaporated milk is best for baking!

    you could take a swig of milk and coffee in the tube, shake your head really fast and have instant latte!

  12. They sell most of this stuff at the military commissary, believe it or not. I have routinely shopped at bases in three states and there’s always an aisle with European imports. I have been shopping there so long I can’t remember if they sell the UHT in regular stores or not. Lollies. That is just so cute!

  13. The last time I had real milk it was from the original source and I was underage(read; newborn). None of that stuff will ever make it past my lips and I already have a working relationship with vegemite so anything you can say wont surprise me…..but go ahaead; make my day.

  14. Sweet Milk in a tube. Interesting. As you stated, we have the can version here and I’ve only used it for desserts. Never on toast. Interesting idea to try.

    This is so way cool. Ree was right. This is a good idea.

  15. Milk candy.

    Barf.

  16. Hi WT! I looked back through the posts and responses, and probably missed the answer to this question (or I may just be dumber than the rest of your readers?), but I need to know: is all the “tube food” the consistancy of, say, toothpaste? I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around toothpasty coffee or milk.

  17. Are you trying to make sure I never make a trip to Australia?

    I’m not that crazy about milk. IMHO, once we are weaned toddlers milk should no longer be in our diet. Doesn’t seem right to be drinking milk meant for the babies of other species. But I do love my Wisconsin cheese.

  18. your even funnier then i thought… dude aussie must be the king of all things tubed LOL I don’t think i have ever seen that much food in tubes before *grin*

  19. Coffee in a tube? Canned Salmon with Shrimp? Condensed milk in a tube? Milk that lasts 7 months? Who are you Australians and where did you all REALLY come from?

  20. I drink Rice Milk myself. And how do you milk rice?

    Very carefully. 🙂

  21. I can’t believe how fascinated everyone is with your condensed milk in a tube. Not that I have ever even seen such a thing and I also live in Australia, so it must be some wierd country folk thing. I hate UHT milk.

  22. First coffee and milk in a tube now condensed milk. This would have been right up my dad’s street when I was a child back in the 50’s he used to make sandwiches of condensed milk it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it.

  23. Condensed milk on your toast would make me barf too.
    My son and I were just wondering along with you the other day…what is evaporated milk? (pause to google)

    Evaporated milk is a shelf-stable canned milk product with about 60% of the water removed from fresh milk.
    Evaporated milk was popular before refrigeration as a substitute for perishable fresh milk, because it could be reconstituted by adding water.
    hmmm…does that mean if you add water it will taste normal?

  24. I must be lactose intolerant…I’m having a hard time digesting all of this. Oh yeah, I think I’m Vegamite intolerant too.

  25. Milk bottles!?! Interesting. I’ve never heard of them.

    Where’s the Mother’s Milk? I’ve heard that you can buy that in stores, too. Blech!

    P.S. Thanks for your nice comment. I may try the once-a-week post idea. Don’t think I’m falling off the face of the earth.

  26. May father used to drink fresh cream straight from the cow. He said it was so warm and thick and that there is nothing like it. I was never really sure if he meant that was a good thing. But at any rate, no thanks. I’ll take my milk straight from the pasteurized bottle.

    I wonder why they don’t sell those tubes of condensed milk here, or at least not that I’ve seen. Way more convenient than the cans!

  27. OMG…sweetened condensed milk in a tube! JOY!

    That would be so useful to me. I always end up cutting my tongue trying to lick every last drop off the can lid.

    I’d go thru a tube a day.

  28. I’m probably one of the few that likes the UHT…Parmalat. And actually, try skim milk for cappucino…it froths really well.

    And now, I have a craving for some condensed milk…though not on toast. Thanks a lot!

  29. Dear willowtree. Oh so many memories of fighting with my brothers over who gets to drink all the little UHT milks upon arriving at any motel. It was good practice for downing vodka shots. The good news here is that all the milk tastes like UHT milk here.

    Hey I love those milk shake lollies. You can get them from the Lions charity boxes in parking lots and the like. Of course, in that format, they come with a layer of oily dust but it just adds to the flavour.

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