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Fun Monday #7

Fun_monday_2_3This week’s Fun Monday is brought to you courtesy of Mindy, the assignment is to write a really bad opening sentence. This will be easier for some than others. Click here for the full list.

I’ve written two different sentences, and in truth am not particularly happy with either of them, so I’m including some that aren’t mine too.

Sentence #1 Poor choice of Analogy.
"Are you freaking crazy, don’t you know she’s your mother?" demanded John, his face looking like Fred had just laid one of those really ripe farts and then wound up all the windows, "You’re lying" countered Fred whose expression was a mixture of shock, surprise and revulsion, as if the fart that John accused him of dropping had lumps in it.

Sentence #2 Ambiguous use of Grammar.
Detective Dewey was certain that Evans was stabbed in the library, possibly by his wife in the chest somewhere between Margery Allingham and Jane Austin, and despite the Superintendent’s reservations, he decided not to go to the restaurant after all, but conducted a thorough search of the crime scene instead, whereupon he discovered a knife smeared with blood in a copy of Abraham Lincoln’s biography that was almost certainly the murder weapon.

Foot note: The astute among you would see the relationship between the authors and the book, but as this is an English drama, it is left unsaid. However…if this was CSI you can bet that Grissom would say something totally lame like "This crime was the result of romance gone bad, and now Evans is history."

Okay, now for some bad analogies that aren’t mine, but at least these are funny.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7pm instead of 7:30.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a drier without Cling-Free.

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31 Responses

  1. Oh god. Hilarious. I’m especially fond of ambiguous use of grammar. Well played, sir!

  2. Clap Clap Clap Clap.
    Very good.
    I haven’t even thought of an opening line yet.

    You took the fart option.. you stinker.

    I’ll have to cough up something else.

  3. I’m regretting signing up for this ‘Fun’ Monday even more so after reading yours!

    I loved both your sentences and as for the others, were they really written? Especially the hummingbird one!

  4. funny!

  5. The second one is genius. I bow to you, sir.

  6. Don’t you love Grissom’s little witicisms? There seems to be some kind of contest going between all the head CSI guys, but Horatio and Grissom are definitely ahead. One of my favorites was to the cowboy who killed the retarded ranch hand after they caught him. “By the way, the definition of “retard” is to hinder or to hold someone back. I think your life is about to become retarded.” Horatio, on the other hand is always giving fatherly advice and saying things like, “I’ll tell you what we’re going to do here. We’re going to forget about this and move ahead. If you ever need to talk, here’s my card with my number.” (That’s not an actual quote, btw.) It drives my oldest son nuts the way he uses “we” in situations like that. The rest of us like to make him nuttier by repeating it umpteen times.

    Ooh, sorry. You said CSI and I forgot what the post was really about.

  7. He walked into the bar, ordered a scotch on the rocks, eyes searching the room for the blond bimbo he was supposed to meet, but he was distracted by the tall dark leggy beauty that sat down beside him, saying, “Whatcha drinking, big guy?”

  8. Very good, wow, you have set the bar high!

  9. This bar is way too highly set… dammit…

  10. Dude!! There is no way any of us can live up to that.

    Well, maybe Pamela.

    OH, and my Grandmother is rolling in her grave over the bad grammar bit! But I guess I make her do that routinely. Hee!

  11. LOL see now if you wanted bad grammer all you had to do was visit my blog… Im horrible with that stuff. And see I fancy myself a lover of litature.

  12. Very good openers having read this I know I made the right decision not to enter this week-before you say it, yes I know I’m a coward.

  13. Wow! My brain hurts from reading those sentences. You are clearly a master at both good writing and bad writing. Way to go!

  14. Oooooooo, ambiguity AND funky grammar. You win the prize.

    Mindy DID say their were prizes, didn’t she?

    Dang it…now I wanna go try one like Door #2.

    Jenny in KS cracked me up with her digression and I agree with Steph re: Pamela…I can feel her wit spinnin’ now…!

  15. Stephanie, you’re back!!!!!!

  16. Good job – I liked the bloody knife in Lincoln’s book the best.

  17. I agree that you do deserve a prize for this…although I have been enjoying all the posts so far! This is without a doubt, so bad that it’s good.

  18. Thanks for the nice comments, but I don’t think they are prize worthy, actually I’m sure they’re not.

  19. Once again, you prove you eat your Wheaties…(asks self the question: why do I take these challenges against these smart people?! *lol*) Great job, Willowtree.

  20. wow, those were baaaddddddd. puts me to shame…….. (love the pic of you in the post above. you were such a cute kid. what the hell happened?)

  21. Very enjoyable! Thanks for the good laughs.

  22. excellent – your sentences are really, really bad. possibly the worst enid has seen. she loves the grammar one particularly.

  23. These are freakin’ hilarious.
    I’ll be sure to stay clear of these in my books.
    Um, just so you know (not that you care) – Austin (with an i) is the capital of Texas. Austen (with an e) is the author.

  24. Hahaha, the last bunch of lines are great. Reminded me somehow of the late Douglas Adams’ writing. Absurd humor, beautifully written. Great stuff 🙂

  25. dear willowtree. I love the ambiguous use of grammar. markups are in the mail.

  26. Sadly she sat waiting in the gloom for her meager meal of mush and mash, without hope or longing of anything more satisfying or savory for the grim future of a rich and lonely spinster like herself.

  27. I am very glad the detective decided against the restaurant; he would have gotten salmonella.

  28. damn – I’m so glad I read these after I posted! Two killer senteces – most impressive and badly so 🙂

  29. Ha ha, it is to laugh?

    LOL, Janice~

  30. He was upset like a dog that watched really bad television.

  31. You get a gold star sticker for that assignment 😉

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