Since you asked

I had every intention of finally breaking the mould today and posting an anecdote so exciting and so well written that you would have been on the edge of your collective seat, or maybe even late for work (how come mould sounds like bold, and would sounds like good, even though there’s only one letter different?).

Anyway, as I was saying before I was phonetically interrupted, today’s post was going to be of such unmatched literary excellence that it should be in a book somewhere. It had everything, you’d laugh, you’d cry, you’d wonder what the hell you were doing reading this crap instead. Well I’ll tell you why you’re reading this crap, experience has taught me that the more effort I put into a post, the fewer comments I get! And seeing as how I’m a comment junkie, I decided that I’m more likely to get comments if I did a whole post about dog meat, since that’s what everyone seemed so interested in yesterday.

Well folks here it is, the thing you’ve all been waiting for, Dog Meat….

Which, under no circumstances, should be confused with People Meat….

I know, I know, you’re all saying "Holy processed meat Fatman, that could be dangerous!" Well in fact, it’s not as bad as it seems. I’ve kinda made the scale of the pictures a bit deceptive for artistic effect, if you look closely you’ll see that the dog meat is 3Kg (or about 6.5lbs) whereas the people meat is only 500g (or 1lb).

There is another way to tell them apart….

As you can see the dog meat has a picture of a dog. That means that it is to be eaten by a dog, unless the writing is not English, then it may mean that it contains dog, in which case you should consult an expert, or possibly a Korean. One of those rolls is ok, because I’ve got Bentley (he’s a beagle), but the other one will have to wait until I get a Labrador. Never mind, they’re in the freezer, so there’s no hurry.

This is what it looks like after I’ve prepared it….

Pretty fancy huh! But wait there’s more,

Next I garnish it with some high protein pellets and plate it up….

But seriously, the main reason I use this stuff instead of canned food it that they don’t fart as much with this, and there’s no cans to get rid of. You can feed a dog dry food only, but the way I see it is that dogs don’t really have all that much going for them in life, so I like to reward their unconditional love with something nice to eat. And they really do appreciate it!

So there you go, wasn’t that better than hearing about me falling of the roof of a three storey building?

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Fun Monday #27

Welcome to Fun Monday (the Fridge edition). This week the lovely Amy W is hosting, so she should have the full list of peeps. You’re not supposed to clean your fridge (as if, fridges aren’t for cleaning, they’re for putting stuff in)

This is my little baby, she’s a real sweetie. I made that box/cupboard deal to put it in, and to hold the microwave. I don’t know if you can make them out, but that stuff at the very top is four containers of dry cat and dog food and doggie treats. I may not look after myself all that well, but I do make sure the critters are well fed.

The reason I bought this fridge is because it has a slightly larger freezer than a normal fridge, and a neat ice cube maker (not automatic, but pretty nifty all the same).

Just a shot of the magnets, you can clickit to big it, but it’s not all that much better if you so. I’ve gone slightly minimalist up here and have only put on magnets that I like, as opposed to the fridge on the Coast where you can hardly see any white at all for all the magnets stuck on it!

That fridge is not the only cooling device I have up here, I also have these two…

The one on the left is a bar fridge, and the one on the right is a freezer. Oh, and the thing on top is where Beep goes to get away from the dogs.

   

There’s not much in the freezer right now, but the bar fridge is in pretty good shape. What was that? I’m supposed to show you what I’ve got in my fridge? Oh shit, sorry I forgot all about that. Ok then, here it is, the inside of WT’s fridge…

What are you laughing at? Don’t tell me you never wished you owned a really cool car! That big red thing is dog meat. I’m not sure what that stuff in the container with the blue lid is, but I leave it in there so the fridge doesn’t look too empty.

But don’t go feeling sorry for me, it’s not always that bad. The thing is, because I have to drive quite a distance to get to a decent supermarket, I only do a big grocery shop one a month at the most, and right now it’s been a couple of months since I’ve done one (because of vet bills).

I could have showed you this picture, but I like to be as honest as possible…

Now go and be a sticky beak and check out every one else’s fridges.

Important, please read.

For all those who feel compelled to question my grammatical prowess, attack my views on zenphobia, cast aspersions on my manliness, or in the case of those who actually know me, ridicule my appearance, please follow the instructions below for a very important message.

See what you’ve done!  Don’t you feel like a real bastard now?

A quand(a)ry

What do you do when you sit down at the computer, gathering your thoughts in preparation for the task of writing a post to regale your blog buddies with yet another riveting anecdote about life in the Country, or perhaps even put up another cute picture of your cute pets (that everyone seems to like so much), or better still, narrate one of your world famous serials about one of your not so famous, but totally stupid misadventures; when suddenly you realise that for the moment at least you have completely run out of things to say? Do you just try to write the longest sentence you’ve ever written about nothing, using as many punctuation marks and different adjectives as possible (did you notice that ‘adjective’ is actually a noun?) in an attempt to make it look like you actually wrote something?

The moaning me….me

I don’t normally do memememes but in this case I’ll make an exception, a) because it gives me yet another chance to gripe about my lot in life, b) I don’t know Beckie well enough to know what her reaction would be if I didn’t do it (I simply don’t have the energy to take out more restraining orders, plus I’ve already reached my limit), and c) hey! you saw yesterday’s post, I’ve got nothing!

Four things that should go into room 101 and be removed from the face of the earth.

1. Anyone who has ever appeared on Big Brother.
2. People who take up more than one parking space.
3. Grey’s Anatomy.
4. Foreigners.

Three things people do that make you want to shake them violently.

1. Putting ‘Baby on Board’ signs on their car windows (do you really think it makes a difference you fucking morons!)
2. Old people doing their banking at lunchtime. (Fuck off, you’ve got all fucking day, we’ve only got half an hour!) OK, so I’ve got all day too, but it still pisses me off.
3. Sounding foreign.

Two things you find yourself moaning about.

1. Sex. Oh wait, you said about, not during…OK, then make that getting old.
2. All the crap that’s on TV these days.

One thing the above answers tell you about yourself.

1. That I’m an ageist, old xenophobe with a hatred of bad programming and people with children who can’t park properly. (you can read the ambiguity any way you like, it’s valid either way)

Bonus Gripe….
Another thing that pisses me off is when people create a meme, and as part of the meme make all these commandments that you have to obey, they normally include things like "Thou shall link back to me so my Technocrati ranking improves", and "Thou shall post these commandments as part of your post". Well my normal response is "Fuck you", and I see no reason to change now.

If I’ve offended anyone, I didn’t mean to, that was just an added bonus.

~~~Update~~~
Ok, now before anyone else gets all bent out of shape, I don’t really hate foreigners (I’ve been one many times), hell I don’t even hate old farts all that much! The jury is still out on those Baby on Board signs though.

Another pet update

Just thought I’d let you all know how the new members of the Willowtree clan are getting on. As you will see, both Belle and Beau have grown a fair bit, but they’re still dumbasses.

Unfortunately I couldn’t get the sound working properly so you can’t hear what they were saying, however from memory it was pretty much as follows….

Beau: Hey Beep, you wanna play this really cool new game?
Beep: No thanks, I’m happy just lying here.
Beau: Come on, you’ll love it.
Beep: I said I’d prefer to just lie here thanks.
Beau: Ok, have it your own way (sheesh what a bitch!)
Beep: Zzzzzzzzzzzz
Beau: Maybe if I just show her, I know she’ll like it……
Beep: Fuck off you little punk!
Beau: See, I told you you’d like it.
Beep: Don’t make me come down there and beat upside yo head!
Belle: Hey, you blokes got anything to eat up there?
Beau: Beat it dog, we’re playing.
Beep: Yeah fuck off you turd eater. And you fuck off too you annoying little pussy.
Belle: That’s a great idea, maybe there’s something in the litter box. Thanks, Beep.
Beau: Who are you calling a pussy?
Beep: Leave me alone you little shit!
Belle: Did you say Beau just shit?
Beau: Hey Beep, was that your nose?
Beep: Goddamit, piss off you little prick!

That may not be word for word, but it’s as near as I can remember. Anyway, here’s the clip, so you can see for yourself….

   

I’ve run out of words.