After some intense peer pressure (Swampy and Melissa) and much ruminating (me), I have finally relented on my "No awarding of Awards" stance. The problem is that all the awards out there at the moment are either just ploys to get traffic, or so lame they would make anything I came up with look clever by comparison.
So, faced with such an imbroglio, I had no alternative but to come up with my own award. Believe it or not, I take this responsibility very seriously and therefore spent some considerable time (must have been close to a minute) trying to come up with a name that would be easy to remember, convey the essence of the award, and possibly go down in the annals of blogging history.
Of course my humility prevented me from calling it anything that was even remotely related to either me or my blog. Ha, bullshit! What else could I call it but "The Dingo"? So look out all you pasty faced awards out there, there’s a new kid on the block!
All those awards out there with their "oh such a wonderful post", and "you are splendiferous" sentiments reeking of mutual admiration are missing the point completely! No-one would blog without comments (except that moron who writes a blog about being a comedian), and don’t try to bullshit me I know you all live for comments.
The Dingo will therefore be awarded to the backbone of the blogosphere, the commenters. It is to be awarded for outstanding commitment to, or above average proficiency in, snarky comments. I’m not sure what a snark actually looks like so I went with a cat instead (catty is close enough to snarky for me).
So much for the background explanations, I’d now like to present the Dingo….
And I’m proud to award this inaugural Dingo to Marnie from "...I didn’t say it was your fault …I said I was going to blame you". Settle down! I know those of you who have only been reading the Dingo for six months or so will be wondering how come I can award this highly prestigious award for snarky comments to someone who doesn’t even comment on my blog (or anyone else’s for that matter).
The answer is simple, Marnie has imposed a week long ban on the use of ‘Fuck’ on her blog, and I’m interested to see how she handles this! Plus in her day, Marnie was one of the snarkiest commenters around.
It occurred to me that my award may not achieve the respect it so richly deserves. I was perplexed for a while as to why that may be the case, that is until I realised that I had no rules! How stupid, what’s an award without rules? So below are the rules for winning and awarding the Dingo:
- To qualify for the Dingo, the recipient must either be a bitch, a jerk or a smartarse (or any combination thereof).
- To award the Dingo to someone, you must first be given the award by me or someone what has previously been awarded this great honour by someone who may or may not have been me. *1
- If you don’t agree with the previous rule (or if people are just too darn dumb to appreciate your brilliance), you can award the Dingo to yourself.
- Self awarded Dingo recipients cannot award it to someone else without express written permission from me, which I will not give under any circumstances. *2
- Self awarded recipients must stop fucking themselves prior to orgasm. *3
- Do not link back to me, if you feel the need to link, then link to someone who might give a shit. *4
- Under no circumstances is the award to be altered, altering awards is tacky and disrespectful.
- If you don’t like how the award looks you can change it.
- If you are Melissa you cannot win the first award as it was your idea in the first place
- Always wear clean underwear.
These are the rules and they shall be obeyed, failure to obey these rules will result in unimaginable penalties (no, I’m serious, I can’t imagine any penalties).
- Which means you must be a bitch, a jerk or a smartarse.
- This rule is pretty flexible.
- You’ve already performed self-gratification by awarding it to yourself in the first place.
- Unless the person you’re awarding it to has a huge readership and I could get heaps of traffic, then it’s OK to link to me.
Filed under: Awards |