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If I were a rich man.

(See Jen, I can do lyrics too.)

It seems like ages since I’ve been tagged (not quite as long a since I last had sex, but it’s close), I think it has something to do with me not doing them when I do get tagged. However this meme is from Karmyn, and I’d hate to disappoint her, although I can’t help but think I’m about to.

As near as I can figure, it’s what I’d do if I had a shit load of money. I think the other reason I don’t get tagged much is that I never read what the meme is, actually I got tagged again yesterday, and I did read that one, but I’ve still got no idea what it’s about, but that’s for another day.

Anyway on to the meme. This is actually pretty hard for me because I honestly never think about what I’d do if I won the lottery as I never buy tickets, nor do I bet on horses or anything else for than matter. When I was a kid I used to dream about being well off, but the truth is I actually am fairly well off, and all the things I dreamt about when I was young, I either accomplished or owned at one time or another.

That said, here’s what I’d do if I had an obscene amount of money.

1. End World Hunger.
Sort of, I think it would cost too much to actually end world hunger (or at least more than I’d pay)  so I would just pay lobbyists to have the laws changed so that TV commercials showing poor starving people were banned. Then I’d take the top level executives from the World Bank and the IMF to court on charges of usury. I would then seize their assets and use them to retire the debts owed by third world countries (do you realise that interest on loans from these sharks often exceeds the country’s GDP?)

2. Create Global Harmony.
This one is really quite easy. I’d just buy all the Macs in existence and put them in one of those car crushing thingys. That way no one would argue about which system is the best any more. Why would I destroy the Macs rather than the PCs? Easy, Mac owners are so fucking smug, I’d get the added bonus of knowing I pissed them off.

3. Improve International Culture.
First I’d buy the ABC and fire the numbskull who gave Grey’s Anatomy the green light. Then I’d sell it and buy Fox and then eighty six the fucktard who cancelled Arrested Development. Then I’d sell Fox and buy Sanyo, LG, Sony, Apple and any other company that makes stereo equipment like radios and CDs and MP3s etc and redesign all the audio equipment so that it was incapable of receiving Rap.

4. Eliminate unwanted annoyances.
To achieve this, I’d simply employ an army of contract assassins to kill anyone who answers a cell phone in a restaurant.

5. A few small things for me.
I’d build moderate dwellings (no more than 30 rooms, excluding the movie theatres, games rooms and indoor swimming pools) in Santorini, Monterey and Cape Tribulation so that I could spend half the year in Europe, half the year in North America and half the year in Oz. I’d have really neat cars and boats and jet planes at each house, and I’d pay movies stars to come and get drunk with me.

6. Improve myself.
With heaps of moolah, my thirst for knowledge could finally be quenched. I’d buy a real good book that explains how the fuck fractions work (see #5 for the reason this is necessary), hell I’d get me one of them books on grammer two, then I’d not only be a good talker but a good writer as well.

7. Change my Image.
Any money that was leftover after I accomplished numbers 1-6 would be spent on a massive advertising camapaign encompassing TV, Radio and the print media with the sole purpose of educating the world to the fact that old guys (especially bald, fat ones) are really very attractive.

So there you have it, mostly altruistic goals I know, but that’s just the kind of guy I yam.

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48 Responses

  1. I’m rather overwhelmed with the scope of your instantaneous planning. I haven’t gotten that far and I actually do buy a lottery ticket from time to time.

    WELL DONE!!

  2. I’m not sure about ‘2’ Global harmony yes but as a mac owner you’ve upset me:(
    I’m not smug!!

  3. Altaglow – Good luck with the lottery.

    ChrisB – Score!!! My work here is done.

  4. Oh WT I can’t decide which one I like best I laughed at them all.

  5. You’re like a Miss Australia / USA / Pick Your Country/ finalist: when asked what they will do if they win … Except you have to add that you want to see World Peace !!

    Nothing wrong with a bit of altruism now and then.

    But sadly, no money in the world can buy the answer to fractions. The world is split into two defined groups – those who Get Fractions, and Those Who Don’t. Welcome to the 2nd group ~ we’re just lovely.

  6. Contract assassins to off anyone who answers a cell phone in a restaurant? Can we just pool our money and start that one now?

  7. Interesting! I literally had this very conversation yesterday at ‘work’ [well, volunteering]. I think I might contemplate the same thing over on my own blog. Thanks for sharing yourself this way.
    Cyalayta
    Mal (Bathurst NSW) 🙂

  8. Beccy – WTF!? I was being serious!

    Melissa in NZ – So you’re saying that half the world gets fractions and two thirds don’t?

    Kaycie – I’ve opened one of those accounts where you can deposit through P@yPal, I’ll send you the details, and the names of the assassins I’ve contracted.

    Mal – I’ve got so much bullshit I’m happy to spread it around.

  9. I am in awe of your altruism. And the mention in your blog. You left out, “Throw a few thousand bucks Jen’s way so she can build a fence”, but I forgive you for that. As long as you actually remember to send me the money.

  10. Thanks for reminding why I don’t do memes.

  11. Very funny WT. Actually, I enjoy thinking about what I would do if we won the lottery. On those occasions when the jackpot climbs to an obscene amount, my mind will start deciding how to spend the money. My first thoughts are selfish, but moderate. We will buy a new house, and my son and sister new cars. Then, I move to being more generous; I will build a new church and work on hunger issues. Then, some smart-alleck mathematician will declare that there might be 13 winners. Thirteen winners? No wait, I have plans; I can’t share my 143 gazillion dollars with 12 other people. Anyway, the day before a big drawing everyone is a winner, and every ticket holder is imagining how to spend the money.

    The day after the big drawing, we all go back to work.

  12. 3! #3 is the best!

  13. Umm. I have a plan on what to do when I win Lotto. However it all centers around ME. And beachside properties. And fancy cars.

  14. you leave my Mac alone or I shall have to fart in your general direction!!

  15. 3 and 4 are great but can you also ban all adverts or at least not have them every 5 minutes.

    For 4 can you extend it to those people who pound the streets shouting into their hands free and looking really quite mad

  16. Brilliant! You, sir, are fractionally brilliant! No, I have no idea why I included fractionally except that I wanted to. There you have it.

  17. See I just think Mac owners are just a lil crazy. My hubs in particular. He has nicknames for the damn thing. But it does do some really cool stuff.

    Great list.

  18. all i want is a couple million dollars as a cushion. so i know i can retire some day. is that so wrong? so when you get incredibly rich, just toss a few dollars my way (you can put them in a little pouch attached to belle’s collar). and that will be the most altruistic act i can think of.

  19. A regular philanthroper.
    I’m with ya on the Macs and Arrested Development.

  20. Oh, and I’m with ya, of course, on ending world hunger and all that too.

  21. And if you’re fractionally brilliant, does that mean just partially brilliant? And how big of a fraction? Are we talking 5/6s or 1/293?

  22. I’m with you on the cancellation of Arrested Development. Analrapist? The funniest damn job title in the history of the universe! The rest? Meh.

  23. I really like #s 2 and 4. Oh, sure – all the ending hunger’s good, too, but since it’s at this moment All About Me, I’d strongly support 2 and 4. Especially 2.

  24. Are you still mad about Grey’s Anatomy? Because my favorite thing to do on Fridays is come here and rehash last night’s episode. Because I care about you, natch.

  25. You did Karmie proud :). Some of your suggestions just might work because, if I’m not mistaken, they’ve never been done before.

    Entertaining, no doubt about that!!!

  26. Yeah! You did it! And you did NOT disappoint.

    My favorite? #3 – I would say that not only should all MP3 players not receive Rap – it should be banned from all public radio stations too.

    Great answers!

  27. I’d be willing to donate money to number 4.

    But it’s american money so I’m not sure that would be helpful. Ya’ll pay for stuff with boomerangs and kangaroo pelts, right?

  28. No plastic surgery? B/c that would really help us ALL out, here. And no donations to pet shelters? I’m SHOCKED and HORRIFIED.

    And Melissa, I say we rehash last night’s episode. Right here on WT’s blog. It would be fun to watch him implode.

  29. You realize, don’t you, that with all that money you wouldn’t have to be short, fat and bald anymore, right?

    Of course psychotherapy is going to eat up a big chunk of the jackpot.

  30. Pure genus

  31. TIFFANY! You’re a genius.

    First of all, trick or treating for ears? That was awesome. And I like the scenes with George and Dr. Bailey. They make me all warm and happy.

    Hi wt!

  32. Wonderful post, WT

    Oh good, some people that want to talk about Grey’s Anatomy. Weren’t we all incredibly moved by George convincing the dad to accept his daughter’s heart and Meredith convincing all those folks to donate time and abilities so the little boy could get new ears.

    Warning: Commenters, WT threatens those that discuss Grey’s Anatomy so pretend like you are commenting on his post. Maybe we can slide past the ever-watchful arboreal eye.

  33. mjd, I loved George’s speech convincing the dad to take the heart. George rules.

  34. George is that fat little no talent gay guy who only ever learned the ‘lost puppy’ expression in acting school right?

  35. Hey mjd, see how Willowtree is jealous? Of George? Ha ha!

  36. I have a really strange urge to rub your head.

  37. It’s all over the blogosphere that Willowtree’s blog is the blog to be at to get all caught up on Grey’s Anatomy. So of course I ran right over because I missed last night’s episode. What a swell guy you are for letting your blog be the sounding board for Grey’s Anatomy. I’ll have to tell everyone I know to head on over here to comment on their version of how the show went. We do want accurate accounts after all if this is where people are to meet for Grey’s updates.

  38. I have always been attracted to fat, bald, old guys…unfortunately, I’m not what they’re looking for.

  39. Min – Don’t kid yourself, if you have a pulse, you’re what us old, fat, bald guys are looking for. In fact some of us aren’t all that particular about that whole pulse thing.

  40. Um, didn’t you just see your DW? No sex for getting the car fixed?

    Hard to say who’s more annoying, the Mac users or the cell phone users.

    I did post a fraction cheat sheet for you a while back.

  41. Kila – Yes you did, but do you recall my comment?

  42. Oooer WT, please don’t use songs for post titles, I can’t get the damn thing out my head!

  43. That settles it….you should be President. And, yeah, my favorite scene was where George convinced the guy to take the daughter’s heart!

  44. That was great fun; let’s vow to meet next week to discuss the November 1st Grey’s Anatomy episode. Perhaps, WT will conveniently post a synopsis.

  45. Yep, I remember you saying that America is the only country that mixes fractions with percentages. I almost packed up right then, LOL. So why bother learning fractions? I bet most folks would glide right over your sentence with 3 halves in it, LOL.

  46. Sounds like you are running for Miss America with those answers 🙂

  47. I’m with mjd – I wasn’t able to get back on the ‘puter to hijack this like I intended…

    I just want to know WTF is Ava/Rebecca’s problem, anyway? Is she in? Or out? I don’t think Alex is that hot anway…nor can I imagine Derek as anything but that geeky kid in those movies from back in the day. And HELLO?? George is GAY.

    I think the show needs some fresh hot men. Like that blonde guy from House.

  48. I don’t think I’d look good being bald so I wouldn’t try that, but I think bald and fat is better than rich, skinny, and stupid like most of Hollywood.

    I loved your anwsers. But you did forget #8: Will buy all my bloggy friends designer shoes and purses. Just thought I’d remind you…

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