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Sunday Service No.3

Welcome my children, I’m so glad you could make it to the Rev. Willowtree’s third Sunday Service™. This week I’d like to talk about miracles, or to be more precise, the miracle I thought I witnessed yesterday.

MDW and I were zoning out relaxing in front of the TV yesterday, when Belle came in from outside and hopped up on the couch. I need to digress here for a moment to explain the difference between dogs and cats. When cats eat something that doesn’t agree with them they make a big deal about retching until they get it out. On the other hand, since dogs don’t seriously believe that there’s any substance in the universe that shouldn’t’ be eaten, it’s up to their internal organs to make the decision to take evasive (or in this case, evacuative) action. Consequently, with cats you have a bit of a warning and usually enough time to marshal them outside before they barfs, this is not always the case with dogs.

And so it was without any indication of something being amiss, that Belle produced what could be described as a being a bit like a large soft serve ice-cream, on the couch. Except that rather than being white, smooth and cold like soft serve vanilla ice-cream, its was brown, lumpy and warm. Come to think of it, it was a lot more like diarrhea than ice-cream and if it came out the other end, it would have been. And the smell, holy snapping arseholes! It smelled disgusting, I’m not talking old man disgusting, I’m talking rotting, putrid corpse disgusting!!

Friday, I had noticed that her breath was really stinky (which puzzled me a bit, as she not a butt licker). In fact I had noticed this just after she dropped some mysterious looking, nondescript furry object at my feet for me to throw for her to fetch (she’s good like that). But rather than throw it, I got a paper towel and threw it in the bin, somehow I just knew that MDW wouldn’t see the humour in me throwing around some smelly furry dead thing around the living room. At the time, I assumed it was just a mouse or a bird (I told you it was pretty rank, and I couldn’t make it out).

But now that I was desperately trying to deal with two hands full of warm putrid dogs barf and fur, something I noticed yesterday suddenly sprang to mind, and here’s where the miracle comes in. Seems every time I looked out the back, the gang seemed to be furtively conducting it’s business in close proximity to where Chewie was buried. Ok, now I guess some of you are thinking "Ewww, they dug up the cat!"

I on the other hand, being a man of the cloth, thought "Praise the lord, I seen the resurrection!". Well that’s what I thought , unfortunately for the guests who were here at the time, what I said was "Fuck! they dug Chewie up. Now we’re gonna have to deal with fucking zombie cats!"

As it turned out, it wasn’t Chewie after all, it was a possum that had been dead for probably about two months, going by the advanced state of decomposition, and the worst smell it’s ever been my misfortune to  encounter. I got a shovel and a plastic bag and got rid of it so they wouldn’t keep eating it an barfing it up inside (and I was right to do so, because just 30 seconds ago I found another pile of possum barf in the kitchen, this one was compliments of Bentley).

I just wish I had found it yesterday before Belle stunk up the house, or better still, before she jumped up on the bed this morning and handed me a jaw bone before I was fully awake.

Enjoy your meal.

PS. There are picture, but I’ll spare you.

NoMoBarf post #18.

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28 Responses

  1. FLWEEERST!

    That’s me yelling “first” and BARFING at the same time!
    Gross, WT … and not very reverend of you at all.

  2. swampy has dead skunks and you have dead possoms.
    I can’t beat you BUT… we caught a mouse in the trap. I heard it go SNAP. I feel bad, but they come under the house and get in my kitchen cabinets.

    Are they all rodents?

    I hate dog and cat barf. Tessy hair balls every so often. argh.

  3. Ew. This made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

    I’m gonna have to purge my mind of the mental images — purge my olfactory memory of the – conjured olfactory smell memory. The conjured olfactory smell factory is a powerful thing.

    Gonna have to suck it up and go cook Sunday Lunch now. Somehow roast lamb isn’t sounding very good right now.

  4. Ewwwww. ew, ew, ew.

  5. i just love dogs. they’re so cute.
    i’ll still take belle, even after that story.

  6. OMG, I don’t even know which part to say was funny. It all was and your telling was rich!

    I’m sorry you had to go through that,but thankfully you did or we wouldn’t have gotten to read about it.

    I was almost sorry it wasn’t Chewie. hahahahaha

  7. We don’t have possums in close proximity. We do have livestock. Buddy’s specialty is getting out of the yard and dragging back something bigger than he is and then they all share. He’s so nice that way. Sorry for your mess but it was a lovely way to start my day. Thanks.

  8. Well, thanks for that. I haven’t eaten yet and I feel like puking. Ugh.

  9. You’re lucky the dog didn’t roll in it first! My old Labrador was a bastard for that!!

  10. omg, i’m retching and laughing simultaneously. a lovely sound, let me assure you.

  11. OH MY GOD. JAW BONE BLEARGH. Also, zombie cats? AWESOME.

  12. oh, I don’t feel so well now……

  13. WT, zombie cats and dog barf….you have found your element! Hilarious!

  14. I would like to find another church now please. *gag* *hurl*

  15. Blech – and this is about the time that YDW says “Thanks for visiting, but its time for you to go – and don’t forget to take those stink bombs with you.” haha

  16. Cosmic. I saw a huge dead possum, right outside our alleyway, on the way to put my daughter on a bus at 5:45 yesterday morning. She was all like, “Aw…poor dead kitty.” And then she realized her error, and was like, “HAHAHA! Dead knappy possum!!!”

    Was hoping you had photos.

  17. The things ‘you’ do for love!!
    That’s one of the things I don’t miss my dog for, she was a roller and sometimes puked (barfed) the most disgusting stuff. Oh and usually accompanied by flatulence that sent us running for the clothes pegs!!

  18. Oh and bloglines worked this morning. thanks for the info.

  19. Geez. Talk about airing your dirty laundry in public!

    Although the thought of all that is rather disgusting, it would take more than discussing it to make me barf. You should hear some of the stuff my kids come out with at the dinner table, not to mention their father.

  20. Thank goodness that Bubba didn’t decide to eat the skunk he brought into the house.
    I think rotten possum is probably, by far, a much ‘worser’ smell than fresh skunk spray.
    And, another thank goodness that you are not going to have to deal with zombie cats. On the other hand, that would probably make a good post.

  21. Ok, I’m laughing but I’m gagging too and I’m damn sure glad it was your dogs and not mine!

  22. YYYUUUCCKK!

    Suddenly I’m very glad I have three boys. Much better than having three dogs.

  23. Love the ice cream description. Right on!
    I know exactly what you mean. Suddenly, there’s puke, and no evidence of how it got there…

  24. You’re going to have to try harder than that to gross me out.

  25. Uh…no, please do NOT try harder to gross us out. That was REAL enough!

  26. 😆

    I think I have a story like that, but not on the couch. We don’t have possums up here. Skunks we have. Fortunately they haven’t come for a visit to our house.

    The cats sometimes try and bring in rodents but we stop them at the pass. The dog has tried, but again, we have been fortunate to have caught them.

    Love the story. We were once concerned that we would have pieces of Taya, our dearly departed Bouvier, but the other dogs never dug her up.

  27. Wow, I must have been so busy yesterday that I missed my morning visit. I was sure I’d stopped by. Well at least now I can feel nauseous while there aren’t people visiting. I need to go BloMoChunks now.

  28. I canot believe that there’s part of me that want to see the picutres. I’m a sick, sick woman.

    The experience sounds awful, but I laughed until I cried due to having shared homes with both cats and dogs and specifically one of the latter being a Beagle and dear GAWD, they eat everything – the stinkier the better.

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