Miss Snark herself, (you know, the one who’s always waking up astonished) has tagged me for a meme. Oh boy! As you all know, memes are near and dear to my heart (that’s sarcasm for those unable to recognise it without tonal inflections), so it is with great pleasure that I meekly comply with her directive (that was too).
I’m supposed to devise 5-10 courses that I could take to make my life meaningful in some way, one of them has to be one of Melissa’s courses, I’m also supposed to tag five other unsuspecting bloggers. Ok, let’s got through the requirements in order:
1. Devise a bunch of course that I should take. Nah. As I already know everything I want to know, and don’t have to deal with other humans anyway, I’m going to design courses that I will be giving rather than taking.
2. Include one of Melissa’s…Nah. "Why not?" Let’s examine them shall we? a)Single Parenting for Married People…Sorry, no kids. b)Strategies for dealing with nosy Neighbours…Sorry, got none. c) Closet Stuffing for Dummies..Sorry I’m not a dummy, and my closets are fine. d)Overdoing it 101…You’re kidding right?
3. Tag five unsuspecting bloggers…Fuck off, I don’t tag.
So, now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, let’s get down to the business. The courses I will be conducting are:
- To Meme or not to Meme: What is it with all this meming crapola that’s flooding the interweb? Are you feeling overwhelmed by it all? Do you find it difficult to know which memes are good and which are crap? (trick question, they’re all crap). Well this course is for you. Learn how to compose a post of mind-numbing dullness by simply answering a series of questions, or following some other set of instructions, that some other knucklehead hasn’t even come up with, but who has also answered them and has asked a bunch of other people (including you) to do the same. As an added bonus, you’ll also learn how to write really long sentences that lose the plot halfway through. At the end of this course you will proficient in creating not only time wasting chain posts, but also in devising a set of rules so annoying that your traffic count will be increased tenfold by all those who want to come and abuse you. You’ll also learn how not to follow instructions.
- Surviving Greymania: Every thought that you were the only sane person left on the planet? Ever been to a dinner party where it seems that everyone except you has had their brains sucked out and replaced with lime jello? Well it turns out that you may not be alone after all. For all those of you who are sick of not being able to contribute to a meaningful conversation about why the short gay (in real life) doctor broke up with the fat ugly (in real life) doctor, then this is the course for you! After only one lesson you will be able to tell the difference between McDreamy and McSteamy (one has a pathetic attempt at a beard), you’ll also understand that’s completely normal for two well educated doctors to boink each other the very first time they meet. In addition, you’ll also learn that it’s common practice for an entire medical staff to contract STD’s from boinking each other. This course will give you a true appreciation of why the quality of this TV show will actually be improved by the writer’s strike.
- Making the most of bodily functions: Fifty percent of the population, seems either unable or unwilling to really enjoy some of life’s greatest gifts. And the rest are guys. It’s such a shame that women don’t embrace their inner self as it’s trying to escape. There’s nothing like the vibration of a pair of butt cheeks as the sphincter plays a Kenny G tune using nothing but methane and muscle control. Unless of course you count the chest rattling magnificence of a Coke assisted alphabet. These things and more will be revealed to you, like how to effectively blame the dog and when to stop pushing so that you don’t end up with lumps in your undies.
- Recognising really bad ideas: Ever decided to do something only to discover that you made a huge muthafucking mistake? Then you need this course. As our case study, we will be examining NaBloPoMo. Actually, you don’t even need to sign up for this one as I’ll be conducting it on the Dingo in the next day or so.
~Update~ Tiggerlane has kindly volunteered to conduct the Greymania Course, and as I have only ever wanted what’s best for my cherished readers, I have accepted her kind offer. Please enrol at the Neophyte Blogger.
OneMoBloMePoToGo post #29