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Damn you Melissa!

Miss Snark herself, (you know, the one who’s always waking up astonished) has tagged me for a meme. Oh boy! As you all know, memes are near and dear to my heart (that’s sarcasm for those unable to recognise it without tonal inflections), so it is with great pleasure that I meekly comply with her directive (that was too).

I’m supposed to devise 5-10 courses that I could take to make my life meaningful in some way, one of them has to be one of Melissa’s courses, I’m also supposed to tag five other unsuspecting bloggers. Ok, let’s got through the requirements in order:

1. Devise a bunch of course that I should take. Nah. As I already know everything I want to know, and don’t have to deal with other humans anyway, I’m going to design courses that I will be giving rather than taking.

2. Include one of Melissa’s…Nah. "Why not?" Let’s examine them shall we? a)Single Parenting for Married People…Sorry, no kids. b)Strategies for dealing with nosy Neighbours…Sorry, got none. c) Closet Stuffing for Dummies..Sorry I’m not a dummy, and my closets are fine. d)Overdoing it 101…You’re kidding right?

3. Tag five unsuspecting bloggers…Fuck off, I don’t tag.

So, now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, let’s get down to the business. The courses I will be conducting are:

  • To Meme or not to Meme: What is it with all this meming crapola that’s flooding the interweb? Are you feeling overwhelmed by it all? Do you find it difficult to know which memes are good and which are crap? (trick question, they’re all crap). Well this course is for you. Learn how to compose a post of mind-numbing dullness by simply answering a series of questions, or following some other set of instructions, that some other knucklehead hasn’t even come up with, but who has also answered them and has asked a bunch of other people (including you) to do the same. As an added bonus, you’ll also learn how to write really long sentences that lose the plot halfway through. At the end of this course you will proficient in creating not only time wasting chain posts, but also in devising a set of rules so annoying that your traffic count will be increased tenfold by all those who want to come and abuse you. You’ll also learn how not to follow instructions.
  • Surviving Greymania: Every thought that you were the only sane person left on the planet? Ever been to a dinner party where it seems that everyone except you has had their brains sucked out and replaced with lime jello? Well it turns out that you may not be alone after all. For all those of you who are sick of not being able to contribute to a meaningful conversation about why the short gay (in real life) doctor broke up with the fat ugly (in real life) doctor, then this is the course for you! After only one lesson you will be able to tell the difference between McDreamy and McSteamy (one has a pathetic attempt at a beard), you’ll also understand that’s completely normal for two well educated doctors to boink each other the very first time they meet. In addition, you’ll also learn that it’s common practice for an entire medical staff to contract STD’s from boinking each other. This course will give you a true appreciation of why the quality of this TV show will actually be improved by the writer’s strike.
  • Making the most of bodily functions: Fifty percent of the population, seems either unable or unwilling to really enjoy some of life’s greatest gifts. And the rest are guys. It’s such a shame that women don’t embrace their inner self as it’s trying to escape. There’s nothing like the vibration of a pair of butt cheeks as the sphincter plays a Kenny G tune using nothing but methane and muscle control. Unless of course you count the chest rattling magnificence of a Coke assisted alphabet. These things and more will be revealed to you, like how to effectively blame the dog and when to stop pushing so that you don’t end up with lumps in your undies.
  • Recognising really bad ideas: Ever decided to do something only to discover that you made a huge muthafucking mistake? Then you need this course. As our case study, we will be examining NaBloPoMo. Actually, you don’t even need to sign up for this one as I’ll be conducting it on the Dingo in the next day or so.

~Update~ Tiggerlane has kindly volunteered to conduct the Greymania Course, and as I have only ever wanted what’s best for my cherished readers, I have accepted her kind offer. Please enrol at the Neophyte Blogger

OneMoBloMePoToGo post #29

32 Responses

  1. Great courses!! I think my husband would like to bodily functions one…I personally love the last one…thanks for the laugh..

  2. hahahahahahahah! You have outdone yourself this time!! Great Job!

  3. All males, at birth, seem to be graduates of class #3. It must be the prerequisite in utero for transforming from a female embryo to a male embryo.

  4. i’m looking forward to the fourth class.

    i’ve been wondering why you signed on for the blowme month. it’s not like you weren’t blogging pretty steadily before.

  5. I must be one of the few women that have aced the bodily functions course. I am totally with you on the last class.

    I know that you were making a funny but I think the DR you refer to as fat and ugly is McSexy, she is far from being fat and no where near ugly.

  6. Kaytabug – I agree, but that wouldn’t have read the same. Actually I think she’s pretty hot.

  7. Yeah, I don’t need that last class. I know a bad thing when I see it.

  8. Hey, wait…I’m an adjunct faculty member at the local community college, and even I didn’t Swampy-up and cheat on this! Shame on you!

    So, can I teach the Greymania class? With margaritas?

  9. Oooh! OOOOH! I can teach some bodily functions, too! Did I mention I actually WENT to college? Beer bongs help with that alphabet thing, btw.

  10. I don’t often truly LOL but you got me more than once here. Sorry, I have to show my roots – the show will be IMPROVED by the writer’s strike????

    Oh my god, the methane is escaping.You are one twisted MoFo.

  11. Tiff -You’ve go it. The Greymania course is all yours. Thanks.

    RC – Obviously not all writers are useless, just the one’s working on Grey’s. Not having scripts would have to be an improvement.

  12. I can go to bed now knowing that your eyesight isn’t shot and that you have great taste!

  13. AWESOME! Better than a bird calendar! (Yeah, I still read dooce…and I still buy her dog calendars.)

    Can’t wait for the Greymania to ensue!

  14. I like the idea of the bodily functions one. And I hate myself for liking that one!!

    I like the new decor, it’s refreshing.

    And God bless you for not being a TAGGER!

  15. Oh, I just read Richard your byline involving feathers and chickens – you can probably hearing him guffawing from there. As long as he doesn’t get any ideas …

  16. Making the most of bodily functions? I think I’ve already got that down to perfection. Thanks anyway.

  17. i’ve never seen grey’s anatomy, and i don’t know who mcdreamy is.

    so clearly i would fail that class.

    though i do know what McSweeney’s is. but that probably doens’t count.

  18. Ah to stay out of trouble today, NO COMMENT.

    Yes, I know that a more effective way not to comment is to not actually leave a comment, but my excuse is that I am suffering from Graymania, not to be confused with item number two on WT’s list. According to an authority (me), Graymania is old age.

    Okay okay, this is actually a comment, but remember I am suffering from an always fatal affliction.

  19. I despise memes as well. They distract me from blogging about really meaningful things like my children vomiting and the dog eating all the hamburgers off the counter!
    And I love to pass gas!! You stole my THUNDER (ha ha!!!) I was actually going to blog about it this week because I have a teenage boy living under my roof who is composing sonic symphonies!!!

  20. Do you realize you only have four classes listed instead of five to ten?

    Are you feeling pretty (oh so pretty) today? Your blog seems to have gone a bit girly. Sorry, I just thought you should know:o)

  21. I saw that Melissa had tagged you and wondered what you would do with it! Hurray! Outstanding disregard for and subversion of the rules!

  22. The imagery. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

  23. Nicely done! And you’re totally right about not doing this meme, because who would want to take a class with you anyway?

    Greymania sounds like an AARP convention gone wild.

  24. *tears from laughing so hard*

  25. AARP convention – now that was funny!

  26. I really, truly need to visit your blog more often. I’m crying I’m laughing so hard, great stuff!

  27. This is my second effort to post a comment.
    I don’t want to take a class I need a support group. Where do I sign up for a support group?
    “Hello. My name is Swampy. I feel so disconnected from my BlogBuds because I’ve had no time to blog for 2 months. I miss my blogbuds. I don’t know what’s going on with them these days. Please help me.”

  28. Awww! Poor Swampy, everybody give her a kiss. Mwah.

    WT Im a bit worried someone at my house will sign up for the bodily functions class, they really do not need any help on that one, what they really need is a course on “What NOT to talk about at the dinner table”. Bodily functions seems to be their favourite subject. Girls included.

  29. Well, you know that in a house full of men, I really appreciate course #3. Although, BN thought that no woman, other than his dear Mama, farted, he soon learned that we are out there and proudly blaming the cat, son1, son2…

  30. Too funny Peter!!!! 🙂

  31. so glad you clarified the lovely doctor. I think she is beautiful, too. It was on tonight and we forgot to watch it. But… Peter, here is how to catch up the latest episodes.
    Streaming Video

    As I grew up with four brothers, I have a PHD in Making the Most of Bodily Functions.

    Dedicating a song to you tonight brother:
    “You are the wind beneath my Wings”

  32. I don’t do memes as a policy. If you ever see one on my site…shoot me!! Oh wait….I may have done one a year or so ago when I was weak…so make that “from no on.”

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