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Sailing on Los Banos Pt II

My, aren’t we just the most bloodthirsty bunch of commenters in the coliseum. I’m almost too embarrassed to write this, seeing as how I didn’t drown and all. But if I don’t finish it, you’ll all just end up baying for my blood!

Let me start by reminding you that this is part of the "Close Shaves" series, and if you have read any of the previous ones (I’d normally include a link or two here, but I’m a little afraid of what RC’s reaction might be), you’d know that I generally end up unscathed (there is an exception to this, but that’s yet to be written). So you can assume that not only did I not drown, but even more amazingly, I didn’t even end up in the drink!

If the weight of disappointment weighs heavily on you, you could just watch the fascinating clip that I’ll provide for your amusement. Oh damn! I forgot, clips have been banned until further notice…d’oh! OK then, I guess it’s up to me to regale you with tales of projectile vomiting.

The thing you need to understand about ET, is that he had (and in fact still has) an abnormal capacity for a) enjoying himself, b) consuming way too much noxious substances, and c) paying for it the next day. There are tales of his legendary barfing prowess in the sidebar (I would normally have provided links to the posts, but I’m trying to avoid criticism, so you’ll have to find them yourselves).  If you do want to read some funny ET stuff, they are listed under "The Funny Ones" and will be titled ET something or other. All this is to explain why in the period between the conclusion of the singing and the beginning of the sleeping, there was a fairly long period where ET was laying flat out on his stomach on the trampoline with his head hanging over the front, feeding the fish. Trust me, that was funny!

After ET had finally ceased producing both heart rending moans and high protein fish food, we were finally able to get some shut eye. For the next few hours the combination of pot, booze and deep sleep made me feel like I was floating. Of course the fact that I was actually floating helped a lot as well. This state of euphoria was interrupted every now and then by us having to get out of our sleeping bags, jump on to the sand and push the Cat off whatever shore it had run aground on. When I say we, I mean everyone except ET. By morning, VP and I were bright eyed and bushy tailed…ET, not so much. Now the fun really began.

I said earlier (point number ‘c’ in fact) that ET generally paid for his fun the next day, what I meant to say was that he invariably cut a pitiful figure of abject misery. It was from ET that I learned that a human actually could turn green for a number of hours. This was in the days when I used to smoke cigarettes, as did VP but he only smoke socially. Now I’m not sure how social this was, but I know we both had fun standing either side of ET while we enjoyed our heart starters of beer and tobacco. Again, ET…not so much. Hahaha I’m laughing just recalling this shit! (Oh here’s something, I was talking to ET yesterday and told him I was writing about this today, impressed is not how I would describe his reaction).

We de-rigged the Cat, threw our crap in the back of VP’s truck and headed home. But the best was yet to come, VP decided to show me a mean streak that I didn’t know he had (if you knew him you’d understand, he’s the nicest, most genuine person I’ve ever known). While ET was doing a laudable impersonation of Gollum just after he got beat up by Sam Gamgee, VP announced that we should get some breakfast. Against ET’s protestations, he pulled into the Casa De Fruita (you’ll have to look it up if you’re interested in learning more about this wonderful establishment, I’m not allowed to do links).

Before I even realised what had happened, VP had somehow managed to coral ET into a booth and then sat between him and any possible escape, he then ordered the greasiest combination of breakfast foods that I’ve ever seen assembled on one plate (we’re talking link sausages, bacon, hash browns, sausage patties, refried beans and all kinds of chilli sauces). It was then that ET stopped acting like Gollum and began his chameleon impression, first he turned white, then he turned grey, then he turned a sallow yellow. It was that his point he simply let out a soft whimper and slumped defeated in the corner of the booth.

I’m sorry, I know this was a bit anticlimactic after yesterday’s post. And I’m sorry I didn’t drown for you guys, but you have to remember that these aren’t works of fiction, so I have to write what actually happened. And don’t forget that I started by saying (it was the first thing I said in fact) "This one isn’t so much a ‘close shave’ but more of a "you fucking retards!" story."

However, I promise that I end up in hospital in the next mishap.


31 Responses

  1. I’m first?!

    Sounds like you had enough fun for all of us!

    I love your long posts.

  2. Gah, the term “high protein fish food” was almost enough to make me produce some of my own, blech!!

    Still, very funny … we’re all glad you survived to document these outrageous tales for posterity. I can’t believe you’ve allowed yourself to be pressured into not putting links up … what are you, Peer-Pressure Barbie???

  3. looks like damned if you link, damned if you don’t. and I suspect you wouldn’t have it any other way…

    head-shaking and laughter – funny story!

  4. i find that greasy food is essential with a hangover.

  5. I was going to comment, but this post is too long.

  6. la-la-la-la
    I mean, FA-la-la-la-la…la-la-la-la

  7. That wasn’t the kind of ending I was expecting…but at least it did end 🙂

  8. Yes, I am disappointed. I’m sure it was funnier in person. But I can see you there snickering in your comfy chair recalling these events, which made it more enjoyable. I’ll look forward to the hospital visit. 🙂

  9. OMG you and my brother would get along soooo well. Some of your stories sound like things he would do.

  10. I think ET as a fountain still beats this story…hahaha!! that was a classic!!

  11. you’re right about the anti-climax~ we wanted at least one of you to end up in the drink!!

  12. Thanks for sharing. I think?

  13. ps, and doesn’t los banos mean “the bathrooms”? was that really the name of the boat?

  14. This was a ‘this is your brain on drugs’ story. Fish food pulled it off though.

    I’m really looking forward to the hospital visit. Does it also involve fish food? And the many colours ET’s face can change into?

  15. I loved the Casa de Fruita! After breakfast, did you go to the Casa de Vino or make ET ride the train?????

    They’re all just jealous ’cause they didn’t have a reservoir to play in…lol.

  16. Funny stuff.

  17. I’m lost since I haven’t kept up with comments….why can’t you link?

    So – you end up in the hospital? Food poisoning?

  18. Ooh, I feel a little dominatrix-y today. Black whip and a “no links” branding iron. You of course realize that you took twice the space to say you couldn’t link than you would have needed to link in the first place? Of course you do. Sarcasm. Just one more service you provide.

    And I’m torn between two emotions right now. 1) amazement that I’ve actually made it into the body of a Dingo post and 2)a sneaking suspicion that you take comments a little too personally sometimes.

    Now you can comment back and tell me my comment was too long

  19. Love the ‘impersonation of Gollum’ bit!

    (Oh, and I really think it’s ok you didn’t drown, too.)

  20. the description of the food on that plate made me a little light headed and queasy… sausage and refried beans… oh.. no…

  21. Crap…I’m feelin’ a little sting here…I know you know why.


    You’re a cat, Willowtree, no doubt about that. A big cat. Waaaay more than nine lives…

    off to read your comment thread to find out what you’re talkin’ about….

  22. rotten correspondent – you are SO right. WT is a bit sensitive and touchy. And your first sentence probably sent him over some sort of edge – but NOT the angry edge, if you know what a mean.

    WT – VP sounds like someone I would NOT want to have a hangover around. ET and I sound like long-lost relatives. Except I don’t usually hurl. I keep that poison within – makes the hangover that much worse and lengthy.

  23. I rather like links and the videos, but either way you are in charge. Besides if people do not like the links or the videos, they do not have to click.

  24. I am so lost as to why there is a band on both links and videos.

    I am also feeling rather guilty that I am disappointed nobody ended up rolling into the water in their sleeping bag.

    Still, I can’t say I am not looking forward to the next close shave! I can’t post my close shaves because my mum reads my blog and she mistakenly thinks I am a nice girl. heh.

  25. Only a Cat sailor! hahahahaa
    Thanks for sharing.
    Mal 🙂

  26. That would have been quite a short post if not for the constant reminders about “not using links” and explanations that went with them.
    Glad ya didn’t drown though.

  27. You are a very funny guy! And a hell of a guy to party with….if I’m ever in Australia…

  28. Despite the lack of sharks, drowning, life guard interventions I enjoyed that! It must be how you tell them.

  29. Ok, I’m lost too, why can’t you link?

    I’ve had a few ET sort of hangovers in my life but only a few, I learned wisdom after about the 3rd time. 🙂

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