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I thought this was interesting.

This is not mine, and it’s pretty old (I think it’s from 2002), but it is funny. It also shows what a clever mind with the time for a little research and a good turn of phrase can do. Jim is obviously my hero.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination
according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? –Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

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37 Responses

  1. That was so funny! I have listened to Dr. Laura many times. She used to have a radio talk show for a short while in Vancouver. We used to listen to her while we were stuck in rush hour traffic. She’s right up there with Judge Judy and she dosen’t think twice about telling someone off if they deserve it.

  2. LOL
    Funny!
    Thanks for showing up at my blog!!!
    Welcome back any time (I don’t have that many rules).
    😉

  3. Have never heard of the Dr Laura but got a good laugh from ‘Jim’s’ letter.

  4. Dear willowtree. Funny bunny. On the money. Try some honey. It’s runny.

  5. (LMM is the funny bunny! And quite a poet 🙂 ).

    It saddens me whenever Scripture is taken out of context to justify an opinion…I don’t think that was EVER God’s intent :(.

  6. that was brilliant, WT. i love the way he did this. his innocent questions at the end of each point had me snorting my coffee. (“how shall they die?”)

  7. very, very amusing…if I wasn’t so lazy, I’d look up the scriptural reference(s) for zealots, but I am…lazy, not a zealot.

    Thanks for starting the morning with a chortle.

  8. I love that one!! Especially since I live in the Deep South where every action is guided by the Bible. Someone just published a book (and I CAN’T remember his name) called “the year of living biblically”. He spent a year living in strict accordance to the Bible. He grew a beard and stoned adulterers. The book is on my Christmas list!!

  9. That’s hilarious. In my neck of the woods, it’s not really odd to hear people quoting the Bible to justify their opinions. I think I’ll have to commit some of these to memory.

  10. I really despise Dr. Laura. I can’t listen to her holier-than-thou ass for even a second. She needs more letters like that sent to her.

  11. A classic comeback to a ridiculous statement.

  12. Hmmm…perhaps Dr. Laura and Jim should refer to the New Testament and see what it has to say on these subjects. Of course, that wouldn’t work for the Jewish perspective (which I believe the was the subject of the original call), but from a Christian perspective that might clear some things up. With that in mind, I’d like to refer these folks to Galatians 5:14:
    For all the law is fulfilled in one word, [even] in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
    But hey, do read the context and other verses concerning the subject before coming to any real conclusions.

    All that said, I don’t care much for Dr. Laura (what little I’ve heard of her), I do try to love my neighbor (even if I don’t agree with him), and I thought this was pretty damned funny. So stone me for cursing. (Ow! Shit! Fuck! Damn! Stop that! I was just kidding!)

  13. That was excellent, very funny and very a very clever comeback. I’ve never heard of Dr Laura and I don’t think I’ll be trying to find her!

  14. Go, Jim. That was a great response to a classic piece of Dr. Laura horse dung.

  15. Ah, you’re right, it’s an oldie, but a goodie. I never cared for Dr. Laura and her take on many things. Unfortunately, I was often subjected to her as part of my various jobs in radio. It’s why I moved over to FM. Oh, that and the whole “she went topless for her boyfriend to take pics” thing. Pure hypocrisy.

  16. This was awesome! Thanks for sharing. For me those that defend their opinions, or have them justified by quoting scripture are a bunch of damn hypocrites, which is well pointed out by Jim!!!

  17. LMAO! That was great!

  18. Isn’t religion a funny thing?

    I took a class in College that talked about Hinduism. Apparently, it all started when some rich rulers got tired of the poor people eating all their cattle so decided to make it a holy law…and see how it turned out today.

  19. I’ve seen it before and laughed my arse off, but forgot to keep it. Thanks for publishing this again (and I laughed just as much this time around).

    Might even put it in my wallet for handy reference when accosted by evangelical nutbars bent on converting me.

  20. I’ve seen this before and every time I see it I like it more and more….thanks!!

  21. That was pretty funny.

    I would try to love my neighbour, but they are just too bloody annoying.

  22. I always loved watching my Mom when the holy Rollers (HR) came to our door. (and Holy Rollers for me = anyone who comes a knocking – not a particular denomination) AnyHOO – my Mom taught bible studies when I was a kid so she knew a whole bunch of those scriptures and as the HR would spout them to her, she would spout a few back. They quickly gave up and moved on.

    I would like to memorize a few myself, just for that purpose. I’d also like to sign up for your Unitarian thing.

    Peace out. ~R

  23. Waiting…waiting…waiting…Do I hear $20?

  24. Let’s not be literal…let’s be literary!

  25. I don’t have a clue about Dr. Laura, but I have found it interesting that otherwise intelligent people could believe everything they read in the Bible without question.

  26. Even if are not preaching on Sunday anymore, you came up with a sermon anyway. It is probably a good thing that we are not actually at church because most of the parishioners are rolling on the floor laughing. But Dr. Laura’s advice always gives me a few laughs or makes me very angry.

  27. I’ll bid $4,000,000 for the ravishing Canadian!

  28. You wanna buy Kristin Kreuk? Me too!

  29. Wow…so we CAN own a Canadian? I’ll fight you for Marnie!

  30. That was pretty funny!! Love the letter. I may need this letter one day…..

  31. Tiff – What are you talking about? I’m not even bidding. It’s Melissa you need to fight, and may I suggest lots of jello and a wading pool?

  32. LOL, I hadn’t read that before.

    I used to listen to Dr. Laura on the radio now and then, during the long drive home from my old job. She figured people out pretty well, and quickly, and gave some good advice. Was entertaining. I enjoyed her straightforwardness.

  33. This was hilarious!

  34. I have GOT to show my husband this. I used to turn Dr. Laura on the radio just to see his hair stand up on end, he hated her so much. He’ll get a kick out of this!

  35. Aw, WT – you know you want her.

    But I think you’re too late – unless melissa is playing a game. The flask is ransom, millionairess!

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