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An update of sorts.

"That last post seems to have taken a lot out of you!" – Kila

Actually, that’s not the case, what has taken a lot out of me is the Belle situation, it’s gone from promising to very bleak and it’s all quite draining. While all the incisions healed nicely, she has refused to put any weight on her leg, and due to my ignorance and poor nursing, it now appears that in all probability she’ll lose it. I’m not going to go into detail about it right now, as I’m just too bummed, if I feel better in a few days I’ll give you more of an update.

In other news, MDW is up for the weekend so I’ll be spending time with her instead of blogging.

Hmmm…

Warn

A little night music.

I know some of you like words (I’m more of a picture guy myself), so here’s a post with lots of them…

Ok, I see how it works around here. A guy pulls up at my front gate around lunch time, beeps his horn, and on getting no response (on account of me being totally immersed in my research*), comes in and leaves a package on my front verandah, and yet the dogs see no reason to get of their fat, fart emitting arses to either check out the situation for themselves, or let me know so I can. But if a twig breaks at 2:00am somewhere (anywhere) in the approximately 20,000 acres of cattle country that surrounds me, they’re all over it!

*And before you get all pedantic about it, porn is too a valid use of the billions of dollars worth of time and effort that’s gone into the construction of the Internet, as well as the development of state of the art search engines. Yes it is…is too…ah ha…is too…is too (infinity) so there. Oh, and I know footnotes should at the end, but it’s so annoying to have to go back and forth.

Anyway, as I was saying before I was forced to justify myself to you non porn loving cretins, here I was getting into some heavy duty R.E.M. (the sleep function, not the band), when all of a sudden my bed is transformed into a maelstrom of canine frenzy (now that’s what I call prose! eat your heart out, Tolstoy). It was like a scene from ‘Cheaper by the Dozen’ but instead of kids jumping on the bed it was dogs, and instead of giggling with glee, they were barking and growling. Ok, now that I see it written down, it’s not really much like a scene from that movie at all, but you get my drift.

In a flash (no, we’re not still talking about porn, keep up will ya?) they were off the bed and racing down the hall to attack the door in an effort to get out and bark at (I’d like to say attack, but I know my guys too well for that) whatever it was in those cow paddocks, my guess would be cows, but what do I know. As the ever alert frontiersman that I am, I laid there waiting for them to get bored and come back to bed. This plan would have succeeded too, if it hadn’t been for the fact that we’re talking about dogs here, they’ve been eating the same crap at dinner for 7 years now, so they have a pretty high boredom threshold.

Pulling the covers over my head works great for monsters, but apparently not dogs, I could still hear their little doggie feet clattering on the wood floors as they raced up and down the hall between the front door and my bed and back again. And even worse, despite the three layers of blankets I had covering my head, I could still sense them starring intently at me from about an inch away, specially Bentley (he’s pretty eerie like that). So I did what I had to do, I yelled out "Shut the fuck up you stupid bastards!"

This only served to send them into an even greater frenzy, I guess they figured I was yelling at the cows. So it was that with great reluctance that  I extricated myself from my feather filled cocoon and let them out. The next 15 minutes were spent listening to them howling, growling and barking with the occasional break to play Keystone Cops (this is done by simply running in all different directions and crashing into each other as they try find whatever it is they’re looking for).

Finally after the aforementioned 15 minutes, there was silence (except for Buddy banging on the door to get back in, he’s such a mommy’s boy). Normally, I’d just leave them out for the rest of the night, but the last few times I’ve done that, it’s only resulted in dogs going missing for days, so I went to the door and called them to come back inside (except Buddy, he was already back in bed within a fraction of a second of me opening the door).

"Here Bentley, here Belle" I called. Ok, I didn’t really need to put that in, but there hasn’t been much dialogue so far, and good stories should have dialogue, or sex. There was no response.

"Fuck!" I said, to no-one in particular, "now I’ll have to go out into the cold and get them" I said to myself this time, which makes it more of a soliloquy than a dialogue. Grabbing a torch (flashlight) I went outside to look for them.

I found Bentley first, he was just amusing himself playing with one of the many soft toys he has, the one that looks like a rabbit. Wait..a..minute..we don’t have a soft toy that looks like a rabbit…

Oh shit! That is a rabbit, well more like half a rabbit by now. When I went to grab it off him he managed to keep just out of my reach, all the while continuing to chew. "Screw him, he can have his chew toy, I’ll just grab Belle and go back to bed" I thought.

"That’s funny, I haven’t seen Belle" that was also a thought  (you can tell they’re thoughts, because there are quotation marks, and yet there’s no-one else around). Belle was nowhere to be found.

In case you’ve been in a coma for the past few weeks and don’t know what’s been going on around here, let me summarise for you. I’ve got a dog that was recently hit by a car and had one of her back legs shattered and the other severely lacerated, so much so that she can barely walk. I have to pick her up and put her on the bed, I have help her get up onto the couch because she’s so severely injured, I have to give her pain meds and extra loving becasue she’s a poor crippled little dog. So how the fuck did she manage to jump the fucking fence!! (She did it again this morning! She is a real piece of work!)

Fortunately I managed to see her eyes reflecting in the beam of the torch, so I was able to go and grab her and bring her back. Sheesh, what a night!

Once a bitch….

….well, you know the rest of the the saying.

But here, let me illustrate with a picture. Despite having a bucket on her head, one leg shattered and the other severely lacerated, nothing is going to stop this bitch making the poor guy minding his own business, miserable…

Belle_misc_001a

Oh, and just so you know, we got rid of the bucket last Friday.

One lump or two?

For those of you out there who have missed the ol’ WT lately, you can blame Marnie (and her gay boyfriend Mark) for my absence. The pair of them have dragged me into their murky world of semi-illicit entertainment, a world devoid of light, a world where healthy exercise, proper nutrition and acceptable standards of hygiene are non existent. Yes, that’s right, those two nefarious nogoodnicks have got me hooked on streaming movies. And not the kind that you post on YouTube either. I’m not talking about five minute clips of dogs and cats frolicking (or in my dogs’ case, licking). No, I’m talking about genuine, current movies (as in still showing in cinemas). I can’t say any more in case the Feds have got my blog tapped. Now I’m not saying that I spend all my time watching movies with Chinese subtitles, but there was a strange sound (not unlike when velcro is pulled apart) last time I got up from my office chair after a recent marathon session.

So thanks to M&M, you’ve missed out on some brilliant posts that never got written since I was otherwise engaged. And let me tell you there were some real gems amongst them too, prize winners all! Why a couple of those unwritten posts would have made War and Peace look like a really long book. But then, just when I was resigned to another of my "Sorry, I’ve got nothing to post about" posts, something happened.

I was having dinner and mulling over how I would put into words the fact that I have nothing to put into words, when Bentley came to the rescue!

He was just sitting on the floor watching me eat (which, if I had any kind of conscience that could possibly bother me), when he let loose a tripple fluterbuster with reverse pike that had all the resonance of well tuned eight cylinder engine. I swear I felt the floor vibrate! The way he was sitting, his sphincter was on the wood floor and as a result, there were vibrations of seismic proportions. As those of you with dogs would know, canines are really sneaky little bastards (not as sneaky as felines, but when it comes to butt pollution they can be pretty darned covert), and in most cases they are deserving of the abuse directed towards them when the air turns rancid. Oh sure, we’ve all dropped the odd SBD* and blamed the pooch, but mostly it really is them, they are the masters of the sneak attack. But this time he was caught dead to rights! He literally trumpeted his achievement.

So what does he do? He looks up at me with a startled expression as if to say "Should farts have lumps in them?"

Then he gets up real slow, smells the floor where his butt was, looks back at me, and as quietly and unobtrusively as possible, walks into the living room, where he sits down for a few seconds, and having lost all faith in his sphincter not to betray him, gets up again and smells the carpet where he just sat. I’ve never seen such a crisis of confidence in my life, it was hysterical. And as if to add insult to incontinence, if he hadn’t played the butt trumpet I never would have known, because it didn’t even smell!

*Silent But Deadly

**Nothing has changed on the Belle front, in case you were going to ask.

There’s more than one dog here ya know!

As you would be aware, Belle has been monopolising my attention lately. This has not gone unnoticed by the other critters. They have been acting a little stranger than normal these past few days, and have been doing some weird shit in an attempt to get some attention. Eventually, after a long and concerted effort, Bentley finally got through to me!

I suddenly realised that I had been neglecting the other dogs since Bell flung herself in front of a car for the good of my blog (bless you Belle). I therefore decided it was high time I spent some ‘quality time’ with Bentley (screw Buddy, he’s just a runt anyway). But the more I though about it, the less appealing was the though of frolicking in the meadow with my canine companion. It was unappealing for two reasons a) it seemed like it would entail exercise (entail is such a good word to use when talking about dogs), and b) "frolicking in the meadow" seems pretty gay to me (not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, one of my best friends cough*mark*cough is gay, even though he tries to hide it by dating a Canadian).

I thought about it for a while, and like a splash of ear wash it came to me "Why not squirt some crap in his ears, that’s always good for a laugh". So that’s what I did, and boy was it fun…for me.

Now I should give you some background before you view the clips (yes there’s two, a ‘before’, and an ‘after’). When we first got Bentley from the pound he had really bad ear infections that took quite a bit of work to fix. This involved putting special ear cleaning fluid in his ears everyday for about a month. Toward the end he really started to hate it (actually he hated it from day one, but I rarely get a chance to say ‘toward the end’ any more). Even though he’s been good for a few years now, he still goes funny at the mere sight of the bottle, as you will see. This completely unedited, I want you to see that his reaction is caused by nothing more than the appearance of the evil ear wash bottle…

Geez I sound awful! I don’t sound anything near as bad as that in my head, but for your sake, my loyal readers, I have suffered this indignity in order to keep the clip accurate, I hope you appreciated it.

The reason I had to cut was I don’t have enough hands to film and squish crap into his ears at the same time, which is a shame really, because you missed him breaking free of my grip after the first ear followed by his mad dash for freedom which ended with him being unceremoniously dragged out from under my bed. I should tell you that some ear washes have alcohol in them, which can sting a little, the stuff I use costs twice as much as them, but has no alcohol or any other stinging substance, he’s just a big sook.

So now for the ‘after’…

The ‘after’ was a little on the tame side, plus I cut it short, it goes on for another five minutes or so (but who wants to watch that for five minutes?). He normally manages a few howls and some growls while he’s trying to rub the whole nasty experience out of his memory and onto the carpet (I think he was trying to be brave in front of Belle). That carpet surfing reminds me of when we got him from the pound, I must tell you about it one day.