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One lump or two?

For those of you out there who have missed the ol’ WT lately, you can blame Marnie (and her gay boyfriend Mark) for my absence. The pair of them have dragged me into their murky world of semi-illicit entertainment, a world devoid of light, a world where healthy exercise, proper nutrition and acceptable standards of hygiene are non existent. Yes, that’s right, those two nefarious nogoodnicks have got me hooked on streaming movies. And not the kind that you post on YouTube either. I’m not talking about five minute clips of dogs and cats frolicking (or in my dogs’ case, licking). No, I’m talking about genuine, current movies (as in still showing in cinemas). I can’t say any more in case the Feds have got my blog tapped. Now I’m not saying that I spend all my time watching movies with Chinese subtitles, but there was a strange sound (not unlike when velcro is pulled apart) last time I got up from my office chair after a recent marathon session.

So thanks to M&M, you’ve missed out on some brilliant posts that never got written since I was otherwise engaged. And let me tell you there were some real gems amongst them too, prize winners all! Why a couple of those unwritten posts would have made War and Peace look like a really long book. But then, just when I was resigned to another of my "Sorry, I’ve got nothing to post about" posts, something happened.

I was having dinner and mulling over how I would put into words the fact that I have nothing to put into words, when Bentley came to the rescue!

He was just sitting on the floor watching me eat (which, if I had any kind of conscience that could possibly bother me), when he let loose a tripple fluterbuster with reverse pike that had all the resonance of well tuned eight cylinder engine. I swear I felt the floor vibrate! The way he was sitting, his sphincter was on the wood floor and as a result, there were vibrations of seismic proportions. As those of you with dogs would know, canines are really sneaky little bastards (not as sneaky as felines, but when it comes to butt pollution they can be pretty darned covert), and in most cases they are deserving of the abuse directed towards them when the air turns rancid. Oh sure, we’ve all dropped the odd SBD* and blamed the pooch, but mostly it really is them, they are the masters of the sneak attack. But this time he was caught dead to rights! He literally trumpeted his achievement.

So what does he do? He looks up at me with a startled expression as if to say "Should farts have lumps in them?"

Then he gets up real slow, smells the floor where his butt was, looks back at me, and as quietly and unobtrusively as possible, walks into the living room, where he sits down for a few seconds, and having lost all faith in his sphincter not to betray him, gets up again and smells the carpet where he just sat. I’ve never seen such a crisis of confidence in my life, it was hysterical. And as if to add insult to incontinence, if he hadn’t played the butt trumpet I never would have known, because it didn’t even smell!

*Silent But Deadly

**Nothing has changed on the Belle front, in case you were going to ask.

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36 Responses

  1. Oh my word … I’m so glad I’ve already eaten dinner, yikes!! By the end of the post I was actually holding my nose in sympathy – I know you said it didn’t smell but it should have, you know? … which is actually a tribute to your very good, very graphic literary skills! It was like it had just happened right here.
    And what a pity you couldn’t have filmed it.

  2. Streaming movies heh, bet your glad you finally got broadband. But its a crime you know, your depriving some company (probably Sony) of revenue that their poor stock holders are entitled. You bastard, no wonder your dog farts on the floor, retribution, retribution, woooooooohhh, & it didn’t smell, wooooooohhh.

  3. ‘Should farts have lumps in them?!’
    (Wiping coffee from monitor now.)

  4. Damn, I was hoping for lumps. and a url for a streaming website – remember, I live in a non english speaking land 😦

  5. So hilarious! Could I get a donut with that?

  6. I had to check to see if that was actually War and Peace you linked. War and Peace would make even one of my posts seem short. Shoot, it may even make the Bible seem short.

    I’m so glad to hear that you didn’t fall off the face of the earth or into the toilet and get stuck. I’m also glad to hear that you did not decide to move into your bathroom and live there for the next two years, eventually becoming stuck to the toilet seat like that poor woman somewhere in this state. And of course I’m glad to hear Belle is doing well. Very funny fart story, too. We like a good fart story around here.

  7. Bentley was just ticked ’cause Belle’s been hogging all the attention lately. He KNEW “that” would get your attention like nothin’ else.

    Sheesh…what “people” will do to get blogged…!

  8. OMG that was hilarious! My dog once did a “fluterbuster” (what a word!) but a little one, not one of Bentleys siesmic proportions and totally LOOKED BACK AT ME AND JUMPED LIKE I DID IT. It was funny! I actually said “Dont look at me, that didnt come outa my ass”.
    And….why ARE dogs so good at SBD’s? Right when company is over too!!!

  9. OMG this is the best dog fart story ever!!! I’m just rollin’ over here! Freakin’ hilarious!!

  10. I hate it when you make me laugh at things I don’t approve of!

  11. hahahaha – gross – gag. (any other time I wouldn’t be gagging)

  12. oh the cat just took off because I laughed and threw my head back.

    I pictured his every move! What a grand polluted tale (or is that tail) you told.

    You know how I love a good fart story. Thats the benefit of having 4 brothers. I didn’t realize it was socially unacceptable until I went to school

  13. Definitely blogworthy!

  14. You make it all sound so nefarious but I know that the truth is you were dying to watch The Devil Wears Prada, and now that you finally have you’re back to blogging.

  15. I think you will have the whole blogisphere rocking with laughter at that story it is hilarious :):)

  16. Butt trumpet? Fluterbuster? you are priceless…LMAO

  17. That was hilarious!!! I can just picture the look on his face! Dogs are so funny!

  18. Laughed out loud!

  19. Do you have a cure for coffee INSIDE my keyboard?? THAT was hilarious…

  20. EWWWWWW!!!!! Gross!!!! NASTY!!! I’m so glad this wasn’t a scratch-n-sniff post :p

    I’m so sorry about poor, sweet, precious, little Belle.

  21. LOL! Funny in so many different paragraphs!
    I agree, cat farts are the WORST! *gagging*

    So, your dog breaks wind, and then blames it on something under the floor… mine give themselves away every time. Wide eyed, whirling around to stare at their own behinds like “what just crawled up there and died!?”

  22. I always know which of my dogs is guilty of the “SBD” because that would be the only dog getting up and moving away. Everyone else is just stuck in dazed and cannot move!

  23. Gross.

  24. I did miss you. And when you get wordy, I get hot. But a post about dog farts? What were the other “real gems”?

    Our black lab likes to lay down next to me while I type, as he’s doing now, and sooner or later there are always a couple SBD’s. Wow, he puts DH to shame.

  25. That was so – uhm – descriptive, I swear I could smell it.

  26. Reminds me of a joke…
    Scott was meeting his beloved’s father for the first time.
    He was invited to sit in the den w/ dad and the family dog, Pete.
    The young man had to fart. He thought he could sneak a SBD, so he let one slip out.
    The father turned to the dog and said Peeeete.
    Whew, Scott got away with it, so he farted again. Again the dad looked at Pete and said (a little more urgently) PEEEEtE.
    Thinking this was OK, Scott farted again.
    At this, the dad again turned to the dog and said……..

    Pete, get away from him before he shits on you!

  27. No one can tell a dog fart story like Willowtree. Slimy, yet satisfying.

  28. OK. I can only tell you this because I WAS pregnant at the time and I probably never will be again. When I was pregnant with my last child, I farted (at home, with EVERYONE around me!) on a metal chair … IF I had known it was en route, I would have done “something” … but it caught me off guard. The sonorous-ness of the naturally occurring sound was MULTIPLIED exponentially by the VIBRATING METAL. That sound. Oh my gosh. It was the loudest … LONGEST sound my hiney EVER made. The shocked look on my family’s faces I can still remember. To this DAY they have to tell that story EVERY SINGLE TIME the word F A R T is mentioned. ANY where we are. Oh … just ask them. You’ll get the whole story with sound effects. And air freshener.
    OK. Enjoy your movies. And I just watched “The Devil Wears Prada last week.”
    Velcro! ha. you crack me up.

  29. That was fricking hysterical!!! You phrase it all so eloquently! Thanks for the read.

  30. I have know people who have seen movies prior to the release date. It’s great, or so I hear, especially when you have been anticipating the release.

    And you know how I feel about farts. That was HAlarious.

  31. LOL I have seen many a dog jumping and trying to look innocent “Oh dear, What was that?” but this takes the cake! Sniffing the floor? He really must have been worried! Too funny!

  32. Now imagine it times three dogs and three boys…

  33. I can’t believe you put me on the blogs that don’t read me list. I’m not THAT important. Yet. I’ll let you know when I officially don’t read you.

  34. EWWWWWWWW!!!!!! Nothing like a good fart post to get your creative juices flowing again!

  35. Blimey that made me laugh so much Willowtree.
    When I was younger I managed a kennels for a couple of years. My boss also bread yorkies, westies, and great Danes. (She also had a cute pug called Jess, but known as The Wuggit.
    She showed the Danes too, and one of them, Sefton, did just what Bentley did, in the kitchen while I was sat eating my sandwiches, but he was such a deaf old fart he never noticed. He just carried on staring at my lunch and drooling. It was so funny though, the whole floor vibrated and the other dogs all stopped and looked at him in awe. Sighhhh. Memories.

  36. damn i knew there was a reason i shouldn’t stop visiting your blog.. i laughed so hard i bout pissed myself… thank you;)

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