I know some of you like words (I’m more of a picture guy myself), so here’s a post with lots of them…
Ok, I see how it works around here. A guy pulls up at my front gate around lunch time, beeps his horn, and on getting no response (on account of me being totally immersed in my research*), comes in and leaves a package on my front verandah, and yet the dogs see no reason to get of their fat, fart emitting arses to either check out the situation for themselves, or let me know so I can. But if a twig breaks at 2:00am somewhere (anywhere) in the approximately 20,000 acres of cattle country that surrounds me, they’re all over it!
*And before you get all pedantic about it, porn is too a valid use of the billions of dollars worth of time and effort that’s gone into the construction of the Internet, as well as the development of state of the art search engines. Yes it is…is too…ah ha…is too…is too (infinity) so there. Oh, and I know footnotes should at the end, but it’s so annoying to have to go back and forth.
Anyway, as I was saying before I was forced to justify myself to you non porn loving cretins, here I was getting into some heavy duty R.E.M. (the sleep function, not the band), when all of a sudden my bed is transformed into a maelstrom of canine frenzy (now that’s what I call prose! eat your heart out, Tolstoy). It was like a scene from ‘Cheaper by the Dozen’ but instead of kids jumping on the bed it was dogs, and instead of giggling with glee, they were barking and growling. Ok, now that I see it written down, it’s not really much like a scene from that movie at all, but you get my drift.
In a flash (no, we’re not still talking about porn, keep up will ya?) they were off the bed and racing down the hall to attack the door in an effort to get out and bark at (I’d like to say attack, but I know my guys too well for that) whatever it was in those cow paddocks, my guess would be cows, but what do I know. As the ever alert frontiersman that I am, I laid there waiting for them to get bored and come back to bed. This plan would have succeeded too, if it hadn’t been for the fact that we’re talking about dogs here, they’ve been eating the same crap at dinner for 7 years now, so they have a pretty high boredom threshold.
Pulling the covers over my head works great for monsters, but apparently not dogs, I could still hear their little doggie feet clattering on the wood floors as they raced up and down the hall between the front door and my bed and back again. And even worse, despite the three layers of blankets I had covering my head, I could still sense them starring intently at me from about an inch away, specially Bentley (he’s pretty eerie like that). So I did what I had to do, I yelled out "Shut the fuck up you stupid bastards!"
This only served to send them into an even greater frenzy, I guess they figured I was yelling at the cows. So it was that with great reluctance that I extricated myself from my feather filled cocoon and let them out. The next 15 minutes were spent listening to them howling, growling and barking with the occasional break to play Keystone Cops (this is done by simply running in all different directions and crashing into each other as they try find whatever it is they’re looking for).
Finally after the aforementioned 15 minutes, there was silence (except for Buddy banging on the door to get back in, he’s such a mommy’s boy). Normally, I’d just leave them out for the rest of the night, but the last few times I’ve done that, it’s only resulted in dogs going missing for days, so I went to the door and called them to come back inside (except Buddy, he was already back in bed within a fraction of a second of me opening the door).
"Here Bentley, here Belle" I called. Ok, I didn’t really need to put that in, but there hasn’t been much dialogue so far, and good stories should have dialogue, or sex. There was no response.
"Fuck!" I said, to no-one in particular, "now I’ll have to go out into the cold and get them" I said to myself this time, which makes it more of a soliloquy than a dialogue. Grabbing a torch (flashlight) I went outside to look for them.
I found Bentley first, he was just amusing himself playing with one of the many soft toys he has, the one that looks like a rabbit. Wait..a..minute..we don’t have a soft toy that looks like a rabbit…
Oh shit! That is a rabbit, well more like half a rabbit by now. When I went to grab it off him he managed to keep just out of my reach, all the while continuing to chew. "Screw him, he can have his chew toy, I’ll just grab Belle and go back to bed" I thought.
"That’s funny, I haven’t seen Belle" that was also a thought (you can tell they’re thoughts, because there are quotation marks, and yet there’s no-one else around). Belle was nowhere to be found.
In case you’ve been in a coma for the past few weeks and don’t know what’s been going on around here, let me summarise for you. I’ve got a dog that was recently hit by a car and had one of her back legs shattered and the other severely lacerated, so much so that she can barely walk. I have to pick her up and put her on the bed, I have help her get up onto the couch because she’s so severely injured, I have to give her pain meds and extra loving becasue she’s a poor crippled little dog. So how the fuck did she manage to jump the fucking fence!! (She did it again this morning! She is a real piece of work!)
Fortunately I managed to see her eyes reflecting in the beam of the torch, so I was able to go and grab her and bring her back. Sheesh, what a night!
Filed under: Pets |