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A little night music.

I know some of you like words (I’m more of a picture guy myself), so here’s a post with lots of them…

Ok, I see how it works around here. A guy pulls up at my front gate around lunch time, beeps his horn, and on getting no response (on account of me being totally immersed in my research*), comes in and leaves a package on my front verandah, and yet the dogs see no reason to get of their fat, fart emitting arses to either check out the situation for themselves, or let me know so I can. But if a twig breaks at 2:00am somewhere (anywhere) in the approximately 20,000 acres of cattle country that surrounds me, they’re all over it!

*And before you get all pedantic about it, porn is too a valid use of the billions of dollars worth of time and effort that’s gone into the construction of the Internet, as well as the development of state of the art search engines. Yes it is…is too…ah ha…is too…is too (infinity) so there. Oh, and I know footnotes should at the end, but it’s so annoying to have to go back and forth.

Anyway, as I was saying before I was forced to justify myself to you non porn loving cretins, here I was getting into some heavy duty R.E.M. (the sleep function, not the band), when all of a sudden my bed is transformed into a maelstrom of canine frenzy (now that’s what I call prose! eat your heart out, Tolstoy). It was like a scene from ‘Cheaper by the Dozen’ but instead of kids jumping on the bed it was dogs, and instead of giggling with glee, they were barking and growling. Ok, now that I see it written down, it’s not really much like a scene from that movie at all, but you get my drift.

In a flash (no, we’re not still talking about porn, keep up will ya?) they were off the bed and racing down the hall to attack the door in an effort to get out and bark at (I’d like to say attack, but I know my guys too well for that) whatever it was in those cow paddocks, my guess would be cows, but what do I know. As the ever alert frontiersman that I am, I laid there waiting for them to get bored and come back to bed. This plan would have succeeded too, if it hadn’t been for the fact that we’re talking about dogs here, they’ve been eating the same crap at dinner for 7 years now, so they have a pretty high boredom threshold.

Pulling the covers over my head works great for monsters, but apparently not dogs, I could still hear their little doggie feet clattering on the wood floors as they raced up and down the hall between the front door and my bed and back again. And even worse, despite the three layers of blankets I had covering my head, I could still sense them starring intently at me from about an inch away, specially Bentley (he’s pretty eerie like that). So I did what I had to do, I yelled out "Shut the fuck up you stupid bastards!"

This only served to send them into an even greater frenzy, I guess they figured I was yelling at the cows. So it was that with great reluctance that  I extricated myself from my feather filled cocoon and let them out. The next 15 minutes were spent listening to them howling, growling and barking with the occasional break to play Keystone Cops (this is done by simply running in all different directions and crashing into each other as they try find whatever it is they’re looking for).

Finally after the aforementioned 15 minutes, there was silence (except for Buddy banging on the door to get back in, he’s such a mommy’s boy). Normally, I’d just leave them out for the rest of the night, but the last few times I’ve done that, it’s only resulted in dogs going missing for days, so I went to the door and called them to come back inside (except Buddy, he was already back in bed within a fraction of a second of me opening the door).

"Here Bentley, here Belle" I called. Ok, I didn’t really need to put that in, but there hasn’t been much dialogue so far, and good stories should have dialogue, or sex. There was no response.

"Fuck!" I said, to no-one in particular, "now I’ll have to go out into the cold and get them" I said to myself this time, which makes it more of a soliloquy than a dialogue. Grabbing a torch (flashlight) I went outside to look for them.

I found Bentley first, he was just amusing himself playing with one of the many soft toys he has, the one that looks like a rabbit. Wait..a..minute..we don’t have a soft toy that looks like a rabbit…

Oh shit! That is a rabbit, well more like half a rabbit by now. When I went to grab it off him he managed to keep just out of my reach, all the while continuing to chew. "Screw him, he can have his chew toy, I’ll just grab Belle and go back to bed" I thought.

"That’s funny, I haven’t seen Belle" that was also a thought  (you can tell they’re thoughts, because there are quotation marks, and yet there’s no-one else around). Belle was nowhere to be found.

In case you’ve been in a coma for the past few weeks and don’t know what’s been going on around here, let me summarise for you. I’ve got a dog that was recently hit by a car and had one of her back legs shattered and the other severely lacerated, so much so that she can barely walk. I have to pick her up and put her on the bed, I have help her get up onto the couch because she’s so severely injured, I have to give her pain meds and extra loving becasue she’s a poor crippled little dog. So how the fuck did she manage to jump the fucking fence!! (She did it again this morning! She is a real piece of work!)

Fortunately I managed to see her eyes reflecting in the beam of the torch, so I was able to go and grab her and bring her back. Sheesh, what a night!

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50 Responses

  1. In case you haven’t noticed, your dogs have YOU trained to do their bidding at once at their whim!! They obviously missed the memo that says You are in charge over there!!! Next time, evict them from the room and close the door. It will be tough love going for awhile, but soon they’ll get it that in order to enjoy the big bed with the big bed warmer in it; a proper decorum must be met.

  2. … you’ve just GOT to know that you are good.
    Love reading your stuff.
    I don’t have indoor dogs. Mine are ALWAYS in the backyard (except for when they’re NOT because they have escaped to relieve me of the responsibility of walking them). So, a question, if you please, “Captain of Research”, “Master of your …”domain””(Seinfeld reference)(can I use double quotes?)
    Why on earth do you let them out? Is there ever “stuff” actually out there to “get”? Or will they just NEVER shut up til they win?
    Dave Barry has a great story about the mail man and his dogs. I wonder if it’s google-able?

  3. Never a dull moment Chez Willowtree, that’s for sure. I can’t believe Belle is behaving like a kangaroo already. Did they save you any rabbit?

  4. Colette – You’re right, of course, but they’re just do darned cute! But yes, occasionally I do lock them out of the bedroom for breaches of protocol.

    Wendy – No, there’s really stuff out there. It’s usually foxes or kangaroos, but occasionally it’s a goanna or echidna. Last night it was foxes chasing rabbits, that’s how come Bentley ended up with one. Normally the dogs just sleep all night.

    Melissa – No.

  5. 🙂 Danke schon

    The activities at your place are too similar to the mayhem around here!

    Yelling Shut-Up doesn’t work at my place, either, yet I seem to try it each day. I think that fits the definition of insanity.

    I’m off to help my 5th-grader with the Social Studies project I told him to do last night. I’ll come back again later to soak in your words, once the males are all asleep.

  6. Am pleased to see that Belle is feeling wee better! 😉

  7. Oh, hell. Just cut her legs off.

  8. I so enjoyed your tale (tail). You can tell a tale like no other!

  9. she jumped the fence??? holy shit, WT.

    in other news, i loved this paragraph. it is eerily familiar:

    … I could still hear their little doggie feet clattering on the wood floors as they raced up and down the hall between the front door and my bed and back again. And even worse, despite the three layers of blankets I had covering my head, I could still sense them starring intently at me from about an inch away…

  10. Tolstoy may have had dogs, but surely he never watched internet porn.

    You win!

  11. earplugs. That should at least minimize the doggy claws clicking up and down the hallway.

  12. It sounds like Belle is definitely on the mend.

  13. A masterpiece! I laughed, I cried, I cried. Worthy of the Giller Prize, the Booker, the… whatever is the equivalent in stories about dogs.

    How the hell does that twit of a dog get over the fence?? I swear it’s the beagle in her – stubborn and stupid. Adorable, but stubborn and stupid (we used to have one. I know whereof I speak).

  14. Claudia – even without legs, she’d find a way to get over the fence, get hit by a car and crawl into hiding under someone’s house. I’m starting to think she’s part beagle, part shepard (?) and part demon.

  15. How much for me crate my beast to you? You seem better equipped for dealing with canine asshowls than me. I’ll pay you. I’ll pay the postman. I’ll send many kongs and cookies.

  16. My dog never wakes me up in the middle of the night…except to throw up.(Which is a smart move on his part). But he REGULARLY runs off to chase shadows when I take him out after dinner. It drives me CRAZY. My yard is fenced, so he doesn’t get far (unlike Belle he doesn’t jump it…how can she jump on that leg?!?) but he won’t come back in the house so I’m stuck out in the cold yelling for him. At bedtime I can always tell when the deer are down in the field because he does a “deer dance” along the fence. But he’s really good, he doesn’t bark at them, just gets real alert.
    My old dog Marley, the love of my life, once went nose to nose with a mountain lion (next door to Swampy’s house). The lion was so startled! I saw the reflection of it’s eyes and called Marley back to me and the cat ran up the hill. I went in the house and grabbed a flashlight and caught it’s shadow on the hill. I saw its outline and the tail. She wasn’t even scared, she wanted to know who she’d just met!

  17. Lene, I think you’re right!!! LOL!!!

  18. I seriously think Belle has wings hidden somewhere. There’s no way she jumped the fence in her condition. Yep, wings. That’s gotta be it.

  19. Kila – Just like Belle, you’re well and truly outnumbered by males.

    Claudia – What do you call a dog with no legs? Whatever you like, it won’t come to you anyway.

    Junebug & Katie – Thanks.

    Laurie – Misery loves company.

    RC – He would have if he had a decent ISP.

    Karmyn – I could use the ones I got for MDW’s snoring.

    Beckie – Unfortunately, yes, it seems she is.

    Lene – Half Beagle, half Border Collie and wholly insane.

    Rudee – Are you kidding me? As if I haven’t got enough problems!

    Equoni – That could have ended badly.

    Kaycie – She’s done it twice now, and I haven’t seen her either time, so I don’t know exactly how she’s doing it.

  20. Well it’s good to read that Belle is well and truly on the mend and boy is it good to be reading you again:)

  21. Oh their tippy tappy claws on wood floors is so annoying when you’re trying to sleep.
    And Belle, I don’t think she jumped. I reckon Bentley chucked her over so he could keep all the rabbit to himself.
    Thans for the scary It-clown/ladybird hybrid by the way. ;D

  22. Danny read this post over my shoulder. His comments were, “Who the heck do you talk to on the internet?” (after the whole porn bit) and, “That was way too much work for this early.” He’s reading the Old Testament now, so you have War and Peace and the Bible beat. I rather liked it.

  23. Thanks for making my otherwise frenzied (not good) week.

    And Hooray!! for beautiful, magnificent, magical Belle!!!

  24. This is when having an outdoor room with doors that lock come in handy. What the hell am I going to do when I move?

  25. Night time entertainment and you’re complaining!
    I’m just amazed at the speed of Belle’s recovery~ she clearly has been playing you with all the lifting if she can now jump~ so no more sympathy~ well a bit for you maybe, missing your beauty sleep!

  26. Shut the fuck up you stupid bastards! What a coinkadink, I said that to my boys last night too. Well not really, but I thought it.

    Pete wants a dog. I told him that he can have one when he is willing to get up in the middle of the night to let it out or when he is willing to get up at 5am and do the same. He plans to wait a bit.

  27. See. Thanks for reminding me again, and again, why I don’t have dogs! My 18y.o. just told me she wanted a puppy the other night. My response: tough shit.

  28. I have to quit drinking coffe while I read your blog, you are making me seriously laugh :-).
    My cats and dog have the run of me too and when I kick them out and close the door they just stand there and yowl and whine, so does no good.

  29. Well I was going to say throw a bucket of cold water on them next time! But that would make a mess, maybe try keeping one of those spray bottles next to the bed? You have more patience than me I would not have let them out in the first place.

  30. eeiii – Belle out again ALREADY? Doesn’t seem like she’s a learner.

  31. Ah, proof that dogs have ESP. Kansas has apparently “taught” Belle, in all her limited glory, how to jump the fence. I apologize.

    LMAO! at the “Cheaper by the Dozen” reference! and the Keystone Cops one!

  32. Border Collie! That’s it! I knew that. Couldn’t remember at the time (does that mean I’m getting old?) and decided not to waste hours staring blankly at the monitor when the information was clearly not in the mood to emerge. Damn brain.

  33. our cats would be good company for those dang mutts.

    as for the invalid: Hell’s belle!!!

  34. Am I the only one who cares about half a poor bunny?!! Nice to see Belle is feeling better. She’s quite the pup!

  35. OMG…she JUMPED the fence! God, I love your posts….you are a hilarious person, WT!!

  36. Willowtree. I heard people drug their kids by giving them kiddy tylenol. Can’t you find some dog tylenol?

  37. You need to figure out how to ring that Belle I think WT.
    Thank you for your prayers/good wishes, Vicki & family and myself have taken great comfort in the warmth you have offered.

  38. I shudder to think what Belle would have gotten up too, if you hadn’t nabbed her.

    Btw, (and totally off topic) – have you ever read this blog? http://www.violentacres.com
    I just discovered it today……..and thought of you for some strange reason;). (I think it might have something to do with the way she writes and her dry wit)

  39. breaches of protocol in the bedroom? The mind boggles…

  40. I was bored so I came over for a shot of wisdom. I find the critters still have you wrapped, good enough.

  41. Your dogs must have a space bubble the size of Australia! My dog just lost his mind (boy, that’s a lie if ever I’ve told one) because there were two riders on horseback 3 pastures over. Yeah, I feel your pain.

    Glad Belle is feeling better, though.

  42. I have the opposite problem. I have two schnauzers who believe every person approaching my door is a machete wielding mass murder intent on destroying every person in the household. The only way to stop him ( or her) is for the dogs to emit a series of high pitched yaps, audible all way up to the space station. I scream shut up so often it was my youngest child’s first word!!

  43. That’s murder-er….missed the last er!!

  44. 😦

    I’m doin’ everything I can to keep 5 baby bunnies alive. Don’t think I’ll be sending any to Australia!

    Your prose is somethin’ else, that’s for sure ;).

  45. everything is possible where dogs and fences are concerned. glad belle is on the mend.

  46. Ah, Eine Kleine Nacht Musik. As usual your prose and your pictures, make me smile and laugh right aloud. (Yes, I know there are no pictures in this post, but your vivid language does paint a mental picture.)

  47. Have you lost The Battle of the Cowshed and lost your property to the animals that live there? Just curious.

  48. Hey – how’s Belle and the rest of the brood getting on? You coming up for air soon? Or still watching streams of pre-releases.

  49. Hey…you coming back or did Belle get out again and now you’re chasing her all over the outback?

  50. Yea Bentley!!
    My hero!

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