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A rant, of sorts.

As I said the other day, I've reached a stage in my blogging evolution where I no longer rely on some of the devices I used in the past. Meme-ing is one, and ranting is another. I gave up rants when I discovered that throwing the odd dog in front of a truck writing about the injuries that my beloved pets sometimes suffer, gets more comments than a good old fashioned rant anyway.

However, every now and then, something so bizarrely stupid happens that you just can't ignore it. And that was the case last weekend when I went to the medical centre to get my prescriptions renewed. But before I go there, I need to go back a couple of days to when I tried to get my medication up here, in the middle of nowhere. Much to my dismay, I realised that one of my scripts had run out (something the chemist failed to bring to my attention when I had them filled a month ago, which they're supposed to do).

"Why don't you just go to the doctor now and get a new one?" she helpfully suggested.

"Because he services two towns, and no matter which one I'm in, he's always in the other one. I think I'll just drive down to the coast" I replied in that 'thanks for nothing you stupid fucking bitch, if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be in this mess' tone, however I did smile as I said it.

"No, that can't be right, I'll call him for you myself"…pause as we wait for the phone to be answered…another pause as she talks to the receptionist…and now the pay-off…"Oh, it seems he's at the other town today". I would have swore at her, but she's actually a really nice old lady, so I just knocked a couple of displays over on my way out of the shop instead.

It was off to the Coast for me, something I had been saving up to do for about four years anyway. I would have been there earlier, but every time I got enough money in the bank to pay for petrol, the price of crude oil went up another 3 cents a barrel, which in some mystical, arcane mathematical formula, equates to about an extra 5 thousand dollars a litre at the pump. Consequently I was like those poor bastards trying to save a deposit for their first home, only I was trying to buy something much more expensive.

After a pleasant yet savings depleting drive to the Coast, the next morning I found myself, sitting in the waiting room of the Wyoming Medical Centre (the medical equivalent of shopping at K-Mart). This place is great, they have about 20 doctors who each has their own little consulting room, and just like the checkouts at the aforementioned shop (I don't want to say it again in case I get googled), there only ever seems to be two or three in manned at any one time (ironic terminology, given that both checkout operators and doctors here are mostly women). However on this occasion they had outdone themselves and only had one quack working, or so one of the the three receptionists brusquely informed me when I politely inquired about the approximate wait time. Oh, I almost forgot, dear receptionist… "you are a fucking bitch, and since you spat out that you had no idea how long it would be, let me help; you multiply the number of people waiting by the average length of a visit (at your centre that's 10 minutes), and then divide that by the number of doctors working, now I know dividing by one can be tricky, but it is possible you fucking waste of air!"

So here I was getting older by the minute and feeling my BP steadily rising (which is what the drugs are for), when this decrepit, smelly old homeless guy shuffled up to the counter. I was just about race over and warn him not to ask the useless bitch of a receptionist anything lest he wanted to lose a limb, when he walked straight past her, picked up a patient sheet, and…wait for it…called my name. Oh…fuck!!!

I followed him into his room at sat at the desk. "What can I do for you today?" he asked pleasantly enough.

"I just need to renew my prescriptions" I naively replied. Well, it wouldn't have been naive under normal circumstances, but unfortunately for me, I had just entered the Twilight Zone. He fixed me with a steely gaze (although in truth, his gaze was more Esotropic), and informed me that he didn't just prescribe pills willy-nilly. It was his use of willy-nilly that first alerted me to the potential for a problem developing, that and the fact that he was a senile old cunt who shouldn't even be allowed to drive a car let alone treat patients.

"I've been taking these for ten years now, and my condition is stable, so there's very little risk involved" I assured him.

"I can't just give you a prescription, I'd have to do blood tests" he persisted in his arrogant fucking tone (actually it may have just been his accent, South Africans always sound arrogant for some reason, and yes I know they are actually nice people).

At this point I was starting to get a little miffed, "I see a consultant once a year and have a barrage of pathology tests done, the most recent was just 4 months ago".

Well, You would have thought I just told him that Fred De Klerk had the right idea in getting rid of apartheid! He went ballistic, almost yelling at me that he was the primary care physician and no stinking consultant was going to tell him what to do!!!! ( I suspect a bit of consultant envy at this point, so not wanting to inflame the situation, I tread carefully…

"I don't know you that well, but I do know the consultant, he's the guy who stabilised me ten years ago when I was hours from death. He's also the guy who has monitored my condition thoroughly for the past ten years. You on the other hand are just some old fart that I've met for the first time today."

There was some spluttering at this point, but I forged ahead, "You want to take blood yourself, do you also want to perform the testing on the sample?"

"Of course not, we get a lab to do that"

Here's where years of watching Perry Mason finally paid off (I decided to go with Perry rather than Bobby Donnell, because he always bamboozled the everyone in the courtroom, whereas the guys from the Practice just accused everyone else of the murder), and as I expected, he fell right into my carefully laid trap! "If that's the case, why not just look at the results of the test that were performed just 4 months ago, at the same lab you would send your samples to?" I ended in a preposition just to make sure I kept him off guard.

He looked at me with a mixture of shock and confusion, which  turned to awe and wonder when I informed him that the results of which would be somewhere in the TV that he had on his desk.

After much key tapping and even more searching the screen for answers, he triumphantly started reading and then with even more triumph, translated the results to something I could understand "Your creatin is very high, your triglycerides are are unacceptably high, and your cholesterol is also way too high"

Now this had me lost for words, I'd only recently been to see the consultant, and he didn't mention any of this, in fact he was quite pleased. I know I was pretty bad when I first got sick…then it dawned on me! I leaned over to his side of the desk and checked the date on the results – 1998!

"You need to look at the most recent tests" I said, barely maintaining my rage. Again I got that look of confusion that I had from him when I explained that all my results get sent straight to them from the lab, even though it was the consultant who order the tests..

He pulled up another set of results and started reading them, they still sounded a bit off to me, so leaned over again and saw that he was now reading results for 2001. "No, you need the tests dated Jan 2008" the condescension now dripping from my tongue.

He finally found the most recent results and was satisfied that he could prescribe medication to keep me from shuffling of this mortal coil. And here's where the fun began. But I'm getting bored, and I bet you are too, so I'll finish this tomorrow….

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33 Responses

  1. Tut. Foreign doctors.
    Can’t believe the fun only begins at the end of this installment, will be back tomorrow!! 🙂

  2. An old Asian doctor once treated a friend of mine. He was shite as he couldn’t diagnose his way out of a wet paper bag. He was about 302 and stood next to the bed with a huge piss stain in his suit trousers. The nut job should have been in a fucking care home and not treating patients. Think they finally got him into one and he now spends his days watching front loader washing machines go round…..

  3. Uggghhh! I hate it when you leave me hanging! What a fantastic rant! Can;t wait to hear the rest of the story!!

  4. i’m laughing.
    but this is what happens when you let homeless people start doctorin’.

  5. Ahhhh…yes…the Willowtree rant…I remember it well. It’s what endeared you to me oh, so long ago–that sharp, salty tongue, condescension and sarcasm, and circumstance that warrants a re-telling.

    It’s been so long, I almost forgot.

    Now that you’re warmed up, cocked and loaded so to speak…I can hardly wait on the conclusion!

  6. E-rrr ! U-mmm ! Is there a Cliff Notes version to this rant?
    Good gosh, DubYaT. The next post we see here will be “Willowtree’s Up Close and Personal Heart Attack from Ranting !”
    My computer screen almost exploded just displaying this post.
    BUT, I can relate to E.V.E.R.Y. word that you wrote.

  7. Reminds me of the time I went in to a supposed nephrologist – who totally didn’t believe my medical history and insisted on taking blood himself; ended up leaving my arm with a huge haematoma that took weeks to heal. Bastard had no clue what I needed. Thankfully, I did, and thankfully, I discovered, shortly after visiting that quack that it was easy to go to a chemist and just buy the needed meds where we lived (in the Middle East) without a prescription. Shortly after that I discovered homeopathy and haven’t needed those meds since.

    Some doctors are frighteningly arrogant and incompetent.

  8. You went to Wyoming medical centre? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…..
    And expected to be seen on time because you made an appointment? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha…..
    I think you have probably heard of Lay Lines (or Ley Lines) where mystical, wonderfull & unexplainable things happen, well Wyoming Medical Centre is not located on one (unlike the Central Coast Leagues club).
    Had you gone in there, either pissed or under the the influence of crack, no appointment & demanded to see a Doctor A.S.A.P, because you had to get to Gosford dole to put your form in, so you could cash the counter cheque at the TAB. Not only would most likely have been seen straight away, but the doctor would have treated you with more respect. The health professionals that work there have got better things to do with their time, than to deal with people like you, that have a genuine reason for being there. Serves you right for bending the system.

  9. There is nothing doctors hate more than an informed, intelligent patient demanding competent care. I wait for the rest of the story with bated breath.

  10. So, does it help your blood pressure to let off steam like this? It’s always been my theory that it does. I don’t have a blood pressure problem, but it helps me. This is exactly the sort of monologue that goes on inside my head behind that smile that my charming (and bitchy) southern grandmother taught me to always keep on my face. The difference between me and her is that my smile is real most of the time and only fake when dealing with idiots like this.

    It is also an interesting point that certain accents seem more arrogant than others despite whether the individual with that accent is arrogant or not. South African definitely. Of course, most of my knowledge of that accent comes from movies like Lethal Weapon 3 and Out of Africa so maybe I haven’t heard a real South African accent at all. French is another accent that sounds arrogant. You’ve traveled more than I have, so I will just have to take your word on whether the real life accents actually sound that way. I have met a few Australians in real life, and I think it, along with Scottish, is one of the friendliest sounding accents.

    Anyway, I’ve enjoyed reading your little rant. Anything to keep the other puppies safe.

  11. ieeeeeeeeeee………. what a horror! You’re reminding me how much I hate and distrust doctors. I’ve finally got one now that I can more or less trust with my life (which is the correct criteria, right?) and I’m planning to move. Probably the scariest part of the entire process.

    Looking forward to the conclusion of your rant, and taking notes on how to confound ignorant doctors.

  12. You rant very well. You get a useless old guy I usually get some teenager who is still wet behind the ears when I visit the doctors surgery!! Both are equally useless!! We’re not bored…yet!

  13. Good! Lord! Fer fuck’s sake, that’s completely ridiculous.

    Gotta say, though. Highly entertaining rant!

  14. I feel blessed — because when I call in my prescription to pharmacy and it has expired — they send the request (via computer) to my doctors office and get it renewed. Now I’m sort of scared about that because no one even offers to take my blood. Only my money.

  15. I can’t believe the first pharmacist couldn’t give you a few days worth to tide you over until you contacted your doctor. Wasn’t it her fault you ran out in the first place?

    I’m looking forward to the rest of the story.

  16. hahaha!! I love your rants, and throwing in that preposition at the end, I know that just got him all sorts of flabbergasted. that’s why he was reading the wrong dates!! he was still flustered about that damn preposition!!

  17. I wasn’t bored at all – please continue.

  18. What fucktards.

  19. “…so I just knocked a couple of displays over on my way out of the shop instead.”

    You are so my hero!

  20. I would have strangled him long before he got to the computer! I’d tell you how my refill system in my little town works, but you’d kill me out of envy. I HATE waiting for doctors, and I HATE doctors who don’t listen and think they know more than you ESPECIALLY if they haven’t even seen you!!! Incompetent doctors stole 4 years of my life and almost killed me…I think there is a special place in hell for them…and I hope they get there soon!

  21. Ah, you should have had kids to fully utilize that talent. Especially one or two with “special” needs.

    Seems like old times here today 🙂

    You got me wondering how much gas is there. Here’s it’s nearly up to $4.00 per gallon. One gallon = 4.546 litres, I think.

  22. Ending in a preposition? You wild man!

  23. Blimey WT, that was scary. What an ar*ehole. And the Blockheads were bloody brilliant, absolutely amazing.

  24. WT, you are fucking funny when you rant. Perhaps, the doctor was actually smelly old homeless guy pretending to be a doctor. That might explain his inability to find the most recent blood test results. Perhaps, he did not know what to prescribe. I await the conclusion to your rant.

  25. This would be why I have a prescription that should have been finished at the end of February but there are no refills left so I just keep stretching it out so that I don’t have to go see the very efficient drones at my local clinic and yes, I know, that it is d a n g e r o u s to screw with your scrips that way.

    Thanks for the entertainment, sir.

  26. Well, well, well, thank you very much for that! Hence the reason I don’t go to the doctor! Amazingly a lot of people from around here drive all the way to that medical centre just because they are the only ones around here who bulk bill. Now I can see why it is the only place you don’t have to wait two weeks to get into! Mind you, one would think with petrol costing what it does it would be cheaper to pay the local doctor hey?

    Now in your case after spending all that money on petrol you should have driven the extra 90km to Auburn. There they have 50 doctors in one street and they are the sort that would have said “So, would you like fries with that?”

    Can’t wait to hear the rest of your rant! LOL

  27. Conversation with my Doctor (name of George)

    George, “Good Morning/Afternoon Peter, how are you?”
    Me, “G’day (non time specific) George, I’m fine thanks”.
    George, “Well what are you doing here then?”
    Me. “Just called in to get my prescription renewed George.”
    George, “OK take a seat and I’ll check your BP”.
    He then fiddles with the TV monitor and a printer whirrs away for a moment, he hands me a script renewal and we part friends.
    Too easy.
    I think George is accepting new patients… it would be quicker to drive to Qld. than visit “old homeless guy”.

  28. Hey, you could never be boring. Can’t wait for the rest of the story.

  29. Ugh, medical centers. Blech.

  30. bah, doctors. don’t get enidd started.

  31. You deserve THE award for The Perfect Rant. Look forward to the next installment. I just recently posted on the freakin’ insurance companies….GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

  32. You have to watch out for the homeless. Those sneaky bastards are always posing as medical professionals and causing trouble!!

  33. LOL you tell’em i know i said that on another post but really you do it so well. seriously i hate abso funckin lutly hate docs like that

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