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Belle does it again!

Last night, or rather this morning (around 4 am) Bentley wanted to go out. Experience has taught that when he wants to go out during the night he's either heard something or he needs to pee. At 4 am I'm not going to try to determine which of these reasons is applicable. So, stumbling out of bed and ricocheting down the hallway, I opened the front door to let him out, and as usual Belle, the walking disaster, had to go out too.

I had just got my body temperature back up to toasty under the doona (there's no central heating here, so the house gets pretty cold during the night) when I heard a blood curdling wail of pain (now, if I was Elmer Fudd talking about precipitation in a bucket, that would have been a pail of wain). I sprang out of bed and tried to find something to put on my feet, and after finding the most inappropriate footwear possible,  I grabbed a torch (flashlight) and headed out into the freezing darkness.

By now the yelping had stopped, so I didn't quite know which way to head. Luckily Bentley started barking so I just followed his noise, shining the light along the fence as I went. After a couple of minutes, something caught my eye, but I couldn't quite make out what it was. It looked like a piece of rope or something hanging from the top of the mesh. As I got closer I began to realise that it was Belle's tail! And instead of her normally pretty face looking back at me, it was her sphincter staring at the sky.

Her foot had got caught in the top of the mesh as she was climbing over the fence to chase whatever was on the other side, so now she was just hanging there, upside down, by her back leg, not moving or making a sound. When I tried to get her foot loose (Kevin Bacon 1984), she started thrashing wildly and I was really concerned that she'd cause further damage. Her foot was wedged tight, and I couldn't be sure which leg it was, as the torch was getting dimmer, plus she was hanging on the other side of the fence so I couldn't get a good look, I just hoped it wasn't the broken one. After both of us struggling for a minute or two, I realised there was no way I could get free her using my bare hands, so I did what any person caught in this situation would do, I panicked and started flaying my arms wildly in a pretty impressive impersonation of one of those gizmos they have at car yards, you know those things that look like 20 ft tall, skinny disco dancers, with the air blower making them wave their arms like a crazy person panicking at the sight of their dog hanging from a fence.

I knew immediately that I'd have to cut the wire to get her out (or so it seemed, but who knows exactly how long it took my sleep befuddled brain to come up with a plan), so rather than calmly turn around and head for the house to get some wire cutters, I spun around and started running. It should be noted here, that the only thing missing was some guy with a set of bongos adding the sound effects to my performance of a cartoon character trying to get from under the 1000lb weight that was about to be dropped on them. My legs were pumping like crazy, but I didn't seem to be going anywhere. Then without warning (to be honest, I've never heard of a pair of slip-ons ever actually warning anyone of anything) I somehow managed to give my slip-ons the slip, which had the effect of making my feet go in the opposite direction to my body. I lurched forward ending up sprawled flat on my face on the cold, wet, dog shit infested grass. The torch landed about 15 feet away and bounced a further 5 feet or so…then everything went dark.

My initial response was to wallow in self pity at my predicament, and that's what I would have done had I not remembered why I was out there in the first place, so cutting my wallowing short, I managed to get to my feet and make it, shoeless, back to the house. Grabbing the wire cutters (I know it sounds hard to believe, but I knew exactly where they were!), I raced back out to free shitforbrains. With the right tool it didn't take too long at all, and minutes later we were all back in the house wondering what the fuck had just happened.

Belle was pretty shaken up by the whole nasty affair, but as a result of the escapade, we now share a strong bond. Not because I rescued her yet again, but because when I did my starting dive for the 100m freestyle, I damaged my knee, so now neither of us can bend our left leg!  (The freestyle was once known as the Australian Crawl, long before the eponymous band. Well, technically it's the swimming stroke that's eponymous, seeing as how it gave it's name to the band and not vice versa (which, incidentally, does not mean pornographic poetry), but I couldn't be bothered reworking the sentence. You're welcome to have a go at it yourself)*.

Anyhoo, she seems to be none the worse for wear this morning, I wish I could say the same for me, my knee is killing me.

This adds absolutely nothing to the post…

* for those keeping score, that soliloquy (if I had actually been going somewhere with it, it would have been a segue) had two sets of parentheses (one of which was nested),  six commas (not all of which were really necessary), five apostrophes (one of which was possessive), one word (used twice) of Greek etymology**, two Latin words (making a phrase still in use today), three full stops (periods) and an asterisk. Quite a smorgasbord of punctuation don't you think? And yet even with all those English language tools, none of it made any sense whatsoever.

** etymology is also of Greek etymology.

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35 Responses

  1. JUMP BACK!

  2. Clearly that’s too out of context for most people, so from Footloose

    Willard (Chris Penn): “You won’t get any dancing here, it’s illegal.”
    Ren (Kevin Bacon): “Jump back!”

  3. Sorry, but I am laughing my ass off–best laugh I’ve had in a long time. Great job writing that up!

    You sure have your hands full with that one! I hope you are both feeling better now, and more bend-y!

  4. That was so funny! The best laugh we’ve had for a long time.
    My cat got caught hanging upside down from the curtain cord once and I didn’t know whether to untangle her or go and get the camera.

    Hope your knee feels better soon.

  5. If I wasn’t so worried that it was the broken leg that was caught, I would have got the camera instead of the wore cutters!

  6. Dear willowtree. I hope you had a nice sleep in afterwards.

  7. OMG! That Belle sure keeps you HOPPING!! Hope you are feeling better by now….and hope Belle’s leg is ok!

  8. Once I got over the initial fear for Belle that was really funny~ well maybe not for you with the injured knee but for us reading the detailed account of your nocturnal foray! Anyway hope your knee improves soon~ and think positive at least you didn’t fall in the dog shit!!!

  9. Holy dog crap, WT. That takes some talent to tell the story like you just did. LMAO.

    (hope your knee mends quickly).

  10. oh man. don’t know if i should laugh or cry. (though i did laugh at “ricocheted down the hallway.”)

    for your knee, RICE: rest, ice, compression, elevate. you know that.

    for belle’s knee, you might want to try breaking another one of her legs at random. two broken legs might slow her down a bit.

    ai yi yi.

  11. This dog is a bit of a menace to your health and bank account. She is so damn cute though so I’m certain you overlook that.

  12. Poor Belle.

    Guess it is winter there since it is summer here.

    We head out to camp & canoe for a week in Missouri.

  13. Damn. Damndamndamn. Uhm, yeah, that’s about it as far as my comment capacity this morning. Damn.

  14. I admire you for not strangling the dog! Great read. Hope your knee feels better.

    (I think Belle’s doing this on purpose.)

  15. That was really well written – I was alternating between horror and helpless laughter. Shitforbrains. Yeah. Perhaps a name change is warranted? Dear god, when will that dog learn? (nevermind. Beagle mix. That means she’ll never learn)

    Ice the knee. Then heat. Apply Belle for the latter – it’s the least she can do. She’s awfully pretty, very funny, but really not the sharpest knife in the drawer…

  16. It’s a good thing Belle’s cute.

  17. Wow! Even for a beagle mix Belle is incredibly trouble prone!!! I don’t know how you keep up with her! I’m glad she seems none the worse for the wear! I’m sorry you can’t say the same! Maybe that vet would give you a discount to x-ray your knee! I’m glad you didn’t land face first in dogshit!
    And Mark, didn’t need the explaination, knew exactly where your comment was from and what you meant!

  18. WT, you really know how to serve up a story. I hope you did some deep breathing to bring your blood pressure back down. I had to, just reading about the midnight dive. We’re too old to be bouncing off the hard pack like that.

    She is one of the Dogs from hell

  19. Aw, sorry about your knee. And I wanted to say thanks so much for understanding just how damn sucky it is to lost a dog. Some people aren’t so understanding and they suck. Thanks for not sucking.

  20. Thanks so much….for the “chuckle of the Day!!” Once again I’m sure it’s not funny while its happening…but it is soooo funny when you tell about it.
    Sorry to hear about your knee…hope you feel better soon.

  21. That dog has more lives than a cat. The visuals in this tale were brilliant … picturing you careening around in the darkness sporting pink bunny slippers (you did say the footwear was inappropriate) …
    Anyway I’m very glad Belle is okay, but very sorry about your knee!!

  22. Belle, Belle, Belle.

    You are killing your poor “father” one joint at a time.

    Now he probably needs to smoke one to feel better.

    jk.

  23. It’s occurred to me that half your problems with Ms. Shitforbrains could be solved by leaving the gate open. Of course that would increase the chance of the other half of your problems with Ms. Shitforbrains happening. So…. erm… nevermind?

  24. WOW! I hope your knee feels better soon. Remember to ice it for 15 minutes several times a day.

    And that last part…well, I suck at grammar (which is why I am enjoying that I get to teach it to my boys so I can learn it for the first time!) and even though I have no idea in hell what the fuck you said in that * remark, I totally followed your long () remark.

  25. oh. my. god.

    I am so lucky with Jake. He would be afraid to try climbing a gate.

    hope your knee is feeling better!

  26. a fence. he wouldn’t climb a fence. or a gate, for that matter, but if it had been a gate you could’ve seen what was going on on the other side. So no gate.

  27. And who ever said life in the country was boring? So did you get frost bite as well? LOL! I have tears in my eyes from laughing too much! Poor Belle! You seem to be becoming quite blaze about her antics! I wonder if her dopiness is related in some way to her origins of birth??

    TC just read this story and has given her friend Barbie the run down. She actually acted out you flaying about for Barbies benefit, now they are both rolling around on the floor laughing!

  28. PS: I hope your knee feels better quickly!

  29. PS: I hope your knee feels better quickly!

  30. My GOSH, WT! the adventures you guys have!
    But what an enthralling, entertaining and hysterical way to tell the story! I was laughing and in fear at the same time!

  31. As I read your post, I was guessing that the end was to be relatively happy because you included so many funny asides such as Elmer Fudd calling a bucket of precipitation, a pail of wain, the Kevin Bacon reference, and your impression of the skinny disco dancers. (Not to mention the impressive ending to the whole post.)

    After all that, I hope that you have a chance to rest your sore knee. Take care, Peter.

  32. Hi WT, have you given any thought to suspending Belle in that upside down position each night?? might put a damper on her mischief.

  33. I love Belle! She makes my dogs look so friggin’ trouble-free!

    Sorry about your knee, though, Peter although whatever pain meds you are taking have not affected your writing adversely at all.

    Thanks for the chuckles. I loved Laurie’s advice and as for leaving the gate open? Yeah, she’d (Belle) would climb the fence anyway. I’d be willing to bet money that she would never take the easy way…lol.

  34. I am so happy I was not drinking anything while reading this post as it would have made a huge mess. I was laughing, but also worried. I think I would take her out on a leash from now on :-).
    Hope your kness gets better fast.

  35. ok that last part totally blew by my head but the first part.. glad bell is ok and sorry bout your knee….

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