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Willover’s Travels Pt 5

Hi, did you miss me? Yeah I know, Dingo lite is fine, but sometimes you really need the full strength Dingo to clear the cobwebs, so here I yam.

Meanwhile back at the adventure….

After exploring every nook and cranny that the dirty old relics had to offer, I decided it was time to leave the bar next to retirement home and go check out the Acropolis. Yeah it was nice, but it would have been better if it had a roof, and maybe a bar or something. But hey! as they say… when in Athens eat moussaka, or something like that.

Speaking of moussaka, the food in Greece is surprisingly non-greasy, which seems to be a contradiction in terms.  Oh yeah, another thing I discovered is that in Greece they don’t call it a Greek salad, they just call it salad, go figure! But I’ll tell you, they really do have the best food there, lots of olives and feta, and the best lamb I’ve ever eaten. I’d love to tell you more, but unfortunately they had some pretty good retsina there too.

And so it was, that after spending about two weeks in Athens, I was ready to do some Island hopping. I bought a ticket on an overnight ferry to Iralkion (Crete) and was off once again. The thing about Greece that can come as a bit of a shock (actually this goes for most of Europe), is that there are real live peasants. And not just normal everyday bonehead morons that we call peasants because we don’t like to call them bonehead morons, but real honest to goodness peasants, just like the ones who chased Frankenstein’s monster over the cliff (I feel it necessary at this juncture, to point out that contrary to popular misconception, Frankenstein was the doctor, the monster was called…err…monster).

But having only spent time in Athens so far, I hadn’t actually seen any peasants. And truth be told, I was kinda wondering where they all were. At around 4:30 that afternoon, I found out. They were all on the ferry for Iralkion. This ferry had a restaurant and cabins (which I wish I had been smart enough to book, but I figured that since it was just for one night I’d go steerage), but they weren’t used by the masses (speaking of which, did I tell you the pope is on his way to Oz for World Youth Day…which lasts for a week! Man those catholics like their mysteries don’t they? A day that lasts for a week, now that’s really something!).  Where was I? Oh yeah on the ferry with the peasants. No, the great unwashed mass sat around the everywhere eating rock hard bread and cutting the cheese (which may have been fetta, but smelled more like blue vein). Those bastards were everywhere, and they all had at least a dozen kids, and most even had a few children!

The crossing went pretty smooth considering it was almost impossible to find a place to lie down for a nap, but eventually the sun came up, thankfully. As is usual for me in the morning, I needed to pee, so I found the toilets (which had been working just fine last night), much to my dismay,  I also found that they were all blocked up with nappies (diapers), toilet paper, newspapers, and just about anything else that could be used to wipe an arse. There were obviously those before me who found the toilets in the this state, because all the hand basins were backed up with the same detritus and in some cases crap (yes I mean actual crap).

Luckily it was only a couple of hours before we reached shore, so I managed to hold it. However, by the time we disembarked, I was starting to feel a bowel movement coming on. But you see, here was my dilemma…άνδρες… or… θήλυς…??

Yeah that’s right, in a display of parochialism that rivals America (sorry but you guys really are parochial), the Greeks in their infinite wisdom, chose to not only use Greek signage, also the Greek alphabet, rather than universal symbols on their toilets in a place that is a mecca for international tourism, so it wasn’t so much a matter of picking which one was male and which was female, no, the more pressing problem was to figure out which sign was indicating that it was actually a toilet! Yet even stranger, now that I think about it, was that they did use universal symbols on the boat, hmm must have been built somewhere else.

I walked for miles in search of relief, and the more I walked the more the turtle poked it’s head out. I was really starting to get desperate when I finally came across a building that was so putrid, so dank, so smelly, so crowded, that it couldn’t have possibly been anything other than a public shithouse. And thankfully it was.

But wait there’s more, I found something that I’d thought I left behind (no pun intended) in Asia, yes that’s right, I found something that whilst surprising, I was at least familiar.

I found one of these…

That’s a picture I took in Thailand, but it was the same sort of thing, which explained why those peasants on the boat didn’t know how to use flushing toilets!

Editor’s note: I wrote this in one go, and haven’t proofread it, so if it’s hard to understand, that’s why.