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MIA

I’ve been playing with my new toy so much lately, I’ve totally neglected my old one. This isn’t really a post, it’s just something that I found a while ago, you may find them amusing..

Pilots & Control Towers

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

*************************************************************************************
Tower:“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower:“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

*************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

*************************************************************************************
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

*************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”

Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”
*************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

*************************************************************************************
There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”. Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

*************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”

*************************************************************************************
Tower:“Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower:“Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

*************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

*************************************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”

*************************************************************************************
While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?

Maybe one day I’ll tire of my new toy and get back to blogging.

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22 Responses

  1. I’ve seen these before but I never tire of reading them, they are so funny.
    Have been enjoying reading your plurks … Today Ree was Twittering about her sister’s labour on her COOKERY page – so wrong! So very wrong!! πŸ˜€
    Sort of quells the appetite somewhat …

  2. If I read all these it will take up valuable plurk time and I’d better do the quiz which I’ve missed for a week!!

  3. I’m having a hard time getting into the whole plurking or twittering thing. I’ve been at a blogging standstill, too. It seems the only thing I want to do is write comments on other people’s blogs which is hard when most of the blogs I read have slowed down as well.

  4. Those were very funny, but I miss you WT :-). I don’t get this whole plurking and twittering thing, please inform us, you could write a post about it :-).

  5. P.S. How is Belle?????

  6. That Plurk kinda reminds me of Facebook! I could not seem to take to that!

  7. I told you on plurk but this speaks to me as a recovering ATC. I’ve heard these kinds of things and things a wee bit more personal. ahem.

  8. LOL!

    Funny you posted this today, ‘cuz you know what’s going on here? The huge, annual aviation convention, AirVenture! Planes everywhere! And the Goodyear Blimp flew low over our office today.

  9. I’m having too much fun with the new toy!

  10. hehe, I’ve seen these but they’re always good for a laugh!!

  11. Quantas Mechanics Log:

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    (P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
    (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That’s what they’re for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you’re right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.

  12. Those are great!

  13. yeah, those have been around for a while too, sometimes attributed to Quantas, sometimes to other airlines, here’s a few more…

    * Problem: “Smoke in cabin.”
    * Solution: “Aircrew reminded fleet is no-smoking these days.”

    * Problem: “Bad smell in cockpit (B-747).”
    * Solution: “Advice crew to wash every day.”

    * Problem: “Missile slow to leave rail.”
    * Solution: “Use a real missile. Missile is a Cap9 (captive trainer).”

    * Problem: “IFF Knob binding, hard to turn.”
    * Solution: “IFF ‘push to turn’ knob works correctly when pushed to turn.”

    * Problem: “Missile (AIM-9) wont track on the ground.”
    * Solution: “System fully operational, flightsuit insert inop (side stick controller).”

    * Problem: “Missile (AIM-9) tone very weak, almost inaudible.”
    * Solution: “Turn up the volume.”

    * Problem: “Rear cockpit HUD repeter unviewable, looked like squiggly porn.”
    * Solution: “HBO ordered MICAP zero Ballance.”

    * Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
    * Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

    * Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
    * Solution: “Evidence removed.”

    * Problem: “Target Radar hums.”
    * Solution: “Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics.”

    * Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
    * Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

    * Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
    * Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

    * Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
    * Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

    * Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
    * Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

    * Problem: “IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative.”
    * Solution: “IFF always inoperative in OFF mode”

    * Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
    * Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

    * Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
    * Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

    * Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
    * Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

    * Problem 1: “No. 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
    * Solution 1: “No. 2 Propeller seepage normal.”

    * Problem 2: “No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage.”

    * Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
    * Solution: “IT DOES NOW.”

    * Problem: “Roaches in galley.”
    * Solution: “Fed and watered roaches”

    * Problem: “Laboratory mice loose in bag bin.”
    * Solution: “No cat this station.”

    * Problem: “Aircraft handles FUNNY.”
    * Solution: “Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious.”

    * Problem :”UHF does not work in OFFicial mode.”
    * Solution: ” Found short between the headphones.”

    * Problem: “Anti Collision Strobe Intermitently on.”
    * Solution: “Removed and Replaced Side Stick Actuator.”

    * Problem: “Sounds like little man is beating on the bottom of the floor with a hammer.”
    * Solution: “Took hammer from man and made him promise not to do it again.”

    * Problem: “Bugs smashed on canopy.”
    * Solution: “Gave bugs coffee and told them to move along.”

    * Problem: “Crew door hard to close.” (on a KC-135)
    * Solution: “Green suit needs to up his weaties intake.”

    * Problem: “No. 3 engine knocks at idle”
    * Solution: “No. 3 engine let in for a few beers”

    * Problem: “Funny smell in cockpit”
    * Solution: “Pilot told to change cologne”

    * Problem: “The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.”
    * Solution: “Congratulations! You’ve just made your first coordinated turn.”

    * Problem: “Transponder inoperative.”
    * Solution: “Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.”

    * Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
    * Solution: “That’s what they’re there for!”

  14. Tears streaming down my cheeks. Never apologise for any non-post as funny as this one. πŸ˜‰

  15. Ahem. Is this reverse cross-promotion? Sell out.

    I guess I’ve always been a
    follower, rather than a leader.

  16. Pretty soon they’ll have a funny about the great big hole that opened up in that airliner last week. Glad it happened AFTER I flew home from New Mexico!!

  17. Heh heh, those were good. I especially liked the last one. πŸ˜€

  18. I just watched the longest peeing dog on your plurk page (I guess I’m just a lurker, not a plurker, as I don’t fully plurk, I just read) …
    Anyway I felt quite relieved just watching him; and yep, dead ringer for Bentley! Have you tried giving Bentley a large bowl of water, perhaps the ability is peculiar to the breed???

  19. Well, at least, we know where you are and can peek (lurk) at what you are doing. I am more or less just MIA. However, I do manage to play the trivia contest almost daily. 😳

  20. Karisma is campaigning for a “Bloggers Down Under” convention … I vote we call it “Blunders” …

  21. Oh, willowtree, please come back to us…I saw Dean S. again :-).

  22. I liked those. Read them to my son.

    A plurker has been here? what in the heck are they?

    Must find out what plurkers are. Suspecting it has something to do with lurking. But the P? What is the P for?

    Oh yes. Relief.

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