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Thank you Bentley.


I mentioned on plurk the other day that  I had to take Bentley to the Vet, what I didn’t mention was how proud I was of him.

For years I’ve harboured resentment towards vets in general and my vet in particular. It’s not that they are bad people, it’s just that once the emergency has passed, the only pain remaining is in the hip nerve. I’ve often wanted to make them feel pain just a little too, call me a bad person..go on I dare ya!

But before we get to Bentley’s revenge, lets go back to the beginning. Last Friday Ben seemed to be limping on the other front leg (not the one that just paid for the vet’s new plasma TV, the other one). I monitored him for a while and he seemed to forget that he had a sore leg after about 5 or 6 steps, so I went on with my miserable sex-free life and let him do the same.

By Saturday he was still limping, but now he was whimpering a little when he moved. I resumed monitoring him and he seemed fairly stable, but was moving a lot slower. However on Sunday he was clearly in a good deal of discomfort, and so was I because he let out one of the most toxic farts I’ve ever encountered. Even after I opened all the windows and turned all the ceiling fans up full blast, you still couldn’t see across the room.

At this point I realised that he probably had a bowel blockage (he’s had them before) that was causing him to limp, or he had a bowel blockage and a limp for another reason. Of course, all my dogs are extremely aware of the days of the week, so he planned his rapid decline for Sunday afternoon when the vet rates quadrupled.  But he was in a bad way so I called the vet and discussed it with him, and he was of the opinion that unless Ben was at the vomiting stage, we could wait until tomorrow (apparently there was no room for another TV anyway).

Bright and early on Monday morning we arrived at the veterinary hospital and he was seen immediately. We put him up on the exam table and the vet had a good look at him. No matter what the vet did, not matter how much pulling and pushing of  his front leg, an no matter how many awkward angles he tried, he simply could not get him to wince or pull away, so he declared that a non event and started to focus on the other issue. Speaking of issues (I’m sure you all know what’s coming next, but I’ll tell you anyway). Ben appeared to be arching his back and in addition to this, he seemed to be bending his body in a ‘C’ shape horizontally as well. At this point the vet manoeuvred him so that he was facing directly away from him in order to get a better view of the curvature of the spine.

Come on, you really don’t need me to lay this out for you, do you? Well ok here goes,  so if Ben was facing away from the vet, that meant that his butt bazooka was facing directly at him. Being the perfectionist that he his, Ben waited until the exact moment when the vet’s face was closest to him before he let fly with a blast that took at least three layers of paint of the exam room wall and left the vet alternating between gasping for breath and retching. Damn! I was one proud doggy daddy; good boy Bentley! It may not make up for all the gouging I’ve suffered over the years, but it sure as shit (literally) helped.

It was now determined that he would be kept under observation in one of the cages out the back for a few hours, and if nothing happened they would knock him out and x-ray him to see what the deal was (that’s vetspeak for “get this goddamn putrefying dog out of my exam room!”).

Later that day I got a phone call to tell me that they called in another vet (one who had lost his olfactory glands in a childhood accident) to examine him before they resorted to a general anaesthetic, and by poking and prodding he found that there was an impaction rather than an obstruction, so working on him from head to tail (ie a heavy duty laxative and an enema) they were able to move it.

So it seems that not only am I full of shit (as I’ve been told many times), my dog was too! Good boy Bentley, and thanks for the memory of the vet with the ghastly green face.

34 Responses

  1. I would be so proud. Farting on cue. Amazing.

  2. Good one Bentley! And hope you and your human friend gets less full of shit 😀

  3. Great Story! Thanks for sharing. 🙂

  4. Oh geez, that was a wonderful post, & am I glad I’m not a vet, and in particular Bentleys vet. Harhahahaha!

  5. Shuddering at the thought here. I knew there was a reason I am not a vet.

  6. LOL! “butt bazooka”.

  7. Great Post!!! Reminds me of this one time…I worked with this BITCH of a vet. She hated me, and I wasn’t much fonder of her. There are a lot of reasons. Anyway, one day she was “expressing anal glands” (you know, the things that STINK so bad???) well, she quirted them right in her own FACE!!!!! I thought I would die laughing!!! I tried to maintain a professional composure, but I had to leave my desk because it was too fucking funny,…and it still makes me laugh ridiculously hard!!! Thanks for a good post, and a great remembered laugh. Glad Bentley is better too.

  8. I love that dog!

  9. ha ha ha – good one Bentley! The ole “fart in the face” gets them every time.

    The same thing happened to Zoe once too – she gorged on horse manure and we thought she was dying. After a set of X-rays, turns out it was all gas pains.

  10. I laughed out loud so hard I have tears running down my face! That was wonderful, go Bentley! I am glad he is okay, too.

  11. Haha, did you laugh? Good boy, Bentley. I’m glad you’re OK now!

  12. Okay, I look and sound like the mechanical circus fat lady -outside the fun house- the one that laughs heartily while you hear the gears grinding as they attempt to move the body in a circular motion to match the mirth.

    oh yes… I’m laughing!!

    you go Bentley! And he DID~!

  13. Bentley had this all planned to avenge Daddy’s vet bills.

  14. Good dog.

  15. ha!! that’s great!

  16. Revenge is sweet unless you are the vet LOL Well done Bentley -pity you didn’t have the camera with you!

  17. Please tell me you laughed!!!

  18. Personally I like to do the same thing to my crabbit old fecking doctor when he decides it’s smear test time! Nothing like pumping one out just at that crucial moment. Good old Bently!

  19. Oh, that’s PRICELESS! 😀

    Mal 🙂

  20. You couldn’t have scripted a more perfect scenario. I hope Bentley stayed until the laxatives had run their course. So to speak.

  21. Farts might well be the funniest bodily function. Bentley certainly argues a strong case in the affirmative.

  22. See if you wait long enough some good blog material will come your way. You just hit the jackpot!

  23. That was the best laugh I’ve had all week. Thanks so much. You have no idea how much I needed this.

    Dude. You oughta blog more often. It’d be good for my sanity.

  24. Now that was hilarious! I wish I could have taken him to our vet this week, they are milking me for all its worth lately! Good boy Bentley! Thanks for the laugh! We had a similar story around here today except it was one of the boys torturing his big sister!

  25. That made me laugh out loud! The only way this post would have been any better was if you had it videoed! 🙂

    Good boy Bent!!

  26. Good boy, Bentley! You know, it never occurred to me to call him Ben until I read this post. Makes him seem more approachable somehow.

  27. 😆 I wish our pets had that kind of ‘movement’ to do something in the vets office. We’ve been pretty lucky in that we haven’t had to take our animals to the vet much. They are darn expensive…especially equine ones. The bill for Lucy when she put her down was outrageous.

  28. I’m sitting here almost CRYING….I’m laughing so hard! You GOOOOO Bentley!! Good Boy!!

  29. How did he not see that coming? Well done! Now go correct that sex-free bit of your life.

  30. Oh you must be very proud! Best laugh I’ve had all week!

  31. Bentley – you’re my HERO!!!!! I shall worship you for all my days to come!! Great payback, at least the fee would’ve gone on cleaning rather than a new plasma

  32. I am laughing so hard I can barely see to type!!

    Again, another brilliant blog post from the sex deprived man and his dog!

    I am waiting for the day the dog writes the blog about WT’s farts!


  33. Mwah ha ha ha haaa. I love that he did that. Hope he can poo now. 😀

  34. … bad person! (you dared me. Didn’t think I’d do it, didya?)

    OK … and I really DIDN’T see that fart coming. I thought it would be something with MASS…. if you get my drift. THAT would have been the ultimate revenge.

    I wish you had had your camera with you. ha!

    Funny funny funny dang funny story.

    but how’s his hip?

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