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Farewell NaBloMe

This is my last EVER NaBloPoMo post. There will be a PoMo (that’s a Post Mortem) tomorrow.

{PS. Happy Anniversary Sweetheart.}

Yo MoFo! NoMo NaBloPoMo FoYo. BloMa, BloPa, BloMe. YoHoHo YoHo. post #30

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Damn you Melissa!

Miss Snark herself, (you know, the one who’s always waking up astonished) has tagged me for a meme. Oh boy! As you all know, memes are near and dear to my heart (that’s sarcasm for those unable to recognise it without tonal inflections), so it is with great pleasure that I meekly comply with her directive (that was too).

I’m supposed to devise 5-10 courses that I could take to make my life meaningful in some way, one of them has to be one of Melissa’s courses, I’m also supposed to tag five other unsuspecting bloggers. Ok, let’s got through the requirements in order:

1. Devise a bunch of course that I should take. Nah. As I already know everything I want to know, and don’t have to deal with other humans anyway, I’m going to design courses that I will be giving rather than taking.

2. Include one of Melissa’s…Nah. "Why not?" Let’s examine them shall we? a)Single Parenting for Married People…Sorry, no kids. b)Strategies for dealing with nosy Neighbours…Sorry, got none. c) Closet Stuffing for Dummies..Sorry I’m not a dummy, and my closets are fine. d)Overdoing it 101…You’re kidding right?

3. Tag five unsuspecting bloggers…Fuck off, I don’t tag.

So, now that we have the pleasantries out of the way, let’s get down to the business. The courses I will be conducting are:

  • To Meme or not to Meme: What is it with all this meming crapola that’s flooding the interweb? Are you feeling overwhelmed by it all? Do you find it difficult to know which memes are good and which are crap? (trick question, they’re all crap). Well this course is for you. Learn how to compose a post of mind-numbing dullness by simply answering a series of questions, or following some other set of instructions, that some other knucklehead hasn’t even come up with, but who has also answered them and has asked a bunch of other people (including you) to do the same. As an added bonus, you’ll also learn how to write really long sentences that lose the plot halfway through. At the end of this course you will proficient in creating not only time wasting chain posts, but also in devising a set of rules so annoying that your traffic count will be increased tenfold by all those who want to come and abuse you. You’ll also learn how not to follow instructions.
  • Surviving Greymania: Every thought that you were the only sane person left on the planet? Ever been to a dinner party where it seems that everyone except you has had their brains sucked out and replaced with lime jello? Well it turns out that you may not be alone after all. For all those of you who are sick of not being able to contribute to a meaningful conversation about why the short gay (in real life) doctor broke up with the fat ugly (in real life) doctor, then this is the course for you! After only one lesson you will be able to tell the difference between McDreamy and McSteamy (one has a pathetic attempt at a beard), you’ll also understand that’s completely normal for two well educated doctors to boink each other the very first time they meet. In addition, you’ll also learn that it’s common practice for an entire medical staff to contract STD’s from boinking each other. This course will give you a true appreciation of why the quality of this TV show will actually be improved by the writer’s strike.
  • Making the most of bodily functions: Fifty percent of the population, seems either unable or unwilling to really enjoy some of life’s greatest gifts. And the rest are guys. It’s such a shame that women don’t embrace their inner self as it’s trying to escape. There’s nothing like the vibration of a pair of butt cheeks as the sphincter plays a Kenny G tune using nothing but methane and muscle control. Unless of course you count the chest rattling magnificence of a Coke assisted alphabet. These things and more will be revealed to you, like how to effectively blame the dog and when to stop pushing so that you don’t end up with lumps in your undies.
  • Recognising really bad ideas: Ever decided to do something only to discover that you made a huge muthafucking mistake? Then you need this course. As our case study, we will be examining NaBloPoMo. Actually, you don’t even need to sign up for this one as I’ll be conducting it on the Dingo in the next day or so.

~Update~ Tiggerlane has kindly volunteered to conduct the Greymania Course, and as I have only ever wanted what’s best for my cherished readers, I have accepted her kind offer. Please enrol at the Neophyte Blogger

OneMoBloMePoToGo post #29

A sign of the times.

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Sign_from_god

NaBloMoGoAway post #27

Fun Monday #43

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This Fun Monday is brought to us by Blue Momma, who seems to live in a fishbowl, she wants to see unfinished projects. At first I just resigned myself to missing out on this one, as I really don’t have any unfinished projects. It’s not that I finish all my projects, it more that I’m too lazy to start them in the first place. But then I remembered the tree!

This tree was on its last legs when I bought this place, it died shortly after I moved in (a combination of the drought and horses ring-barking it eventually killed it). So I decided to put it to good use. I’ve got another winter left.

Here we have me moving stuff up from the Coast, you can see the tree next to my trailer. At this stage it still had some bark on it…Trailer_05_2

This series was when I cut down the first of it’s four main trunks two winters ago…
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Here’s a picture of how it looked this winter after I had cut down the second of the trunks and was preparing to cut down the third…
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And this is what I want it for…
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A combination of three factors 1) the size of the tree, 2) the efficiency of my slow combustion heater, and 3) the relatively mild winters her in Oz, means that I don’t need to get all that much wood. In fact one trunk and a few fallen branches will pretty much do it for me.

I only go through about three of these per winter…
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I thought I should probably do a current photo to show why this is an unfinished project, so I just now swivelled around on my gas lifting, high backed, tilting manager’s chair that I use for my computing and took this photo. This is how the tree looks as of 30 seconds ago (the time taken to to type this). Next year it should be gone. I’m leaving the stump up to about waist height as it will make a good work bench.

I’ve left this particular trunk until last as it’s the one that is most likely to demolish my shed, so I’m taking some time to figure out how to do it without ending up on Funniest Home Videos.

Enjoy your Fun Monday.

YadaYadaYada post #26

Update: It never ceases to amaze me that people ask rather than search (I mean it’s less keystrokes to simply type the term into the search bar than it is to type the question), however for the sake of expediency, here’s the explanation of Ring-barking.

The Final Sunday Service (#4)

This is the post that almost wasn’t. Not only was I feeling too bummed to post, this post features Belle the wonder dog in her first acting performance. I got the idea a couple of weeks ago when I shot the clip, but since she was missing I just couldn’t do it, now that she’s back everything is fine, so let’s proceed.

My dear Brethren, let us paws and reflect on the story of the Prodigal Son. Ok now lets move on, as it has nothing to do with today’s sermon. "Why not?", you ask. Well for a start, Belle didn’t come home of her own accord, she was brought back. Second, she’s not a son she’s a daughter, and finally…she’s a dog.

No, today’s sermon being the last one before Christmas, in fact the last one ever, as this stupid fucking BloMe thing is finally coming to an end (Hmmm, I wonder if that crack will cost me a prize?), I would like to focus on the Christmas fairytale.

The gang wanted to perform the complete Passion Play, but after I explained to them that it was the wrong holiday (damn, those dogs a dumb bastards). In truth, it wasn’t so much that it’s supposed to be performed in Lent (leading up to Easter), that was the reason I was against it; I just didn’t want to have to build and erect crosses (I’m sick of digging holes).

After I explained to them that we needed a Christmas fairytale, they wanted to be the Three Wise Men. Are you kidding me?? This from three four-legged critters who love to eat crap and wash it down with toilet bowl water, how wise is that? In the end we compromised.

May I present "No Room at the Inn" by the three K9’s…

Go in Peace, or as the dogs believe the saying to be, go and piss.

No Good News (update)

No words… About ten minutes ago the people from the next farm brought Belle back. The reason they didn’t call me was because they didn’t know she was there. I went there to ask them to keep an eye out for her yesterday.

For all those of you who suggested she might be stuck in a shed, or caught up in something you were right, apparently she was caught up in some wire under their house, but as they have working dogs, Belle was scared and kept quiet so that no-one would find her. Eventually hunger got the better of her and when she heard some humans talking in the yard, she started whimpering and a guest who was there crawled under the house and got her out.

One of her back paws is a bit swollen but she doesn’t freak out if I touch it, and she can put some weight on it, so it can’t be too bad. If she still won’t put her full weight on it by Monday I’ll take her to the Vet, but there’s nothing stuck in her pad and as I say, she doesn’t squirm when I squeeze it lightly.

Phew! Thank you all for you concern. There will be a post about this in a couple for days, but tomorrow I have a rather special Sunday Service that features the guys re-enacting a religious event.

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A mini drama.

You’ll have to forgive me if I’m not my normal ebullient self. It has nothing to do with the majority of yesterday’s commenters paying more attention to James Reyne’s knackers than the song itself. No, the reason I’m not too bubbly is that, as of right now, Belle has been missing for 24 hours.

Animals going missing from here isn’t such a big deal in itself, the cats do it all the time, and even Bentley has been gone overnight before. What makes this a bit of a worry are the circumstances. Yesterday when I came back from doing some shopping, I let the guys go for a run as usual. Ten minutes later Buddy came home, and fifteen minutes after that Bentley showed up.

About ten minutes after Bentley showed up there was a huge thunderstorm and unbeknownst to me, the gate that I leave open for the guys to get in, was blown shut. So I’m guessing Belle came home and couldn’t get in, so she took off again and got scared by all the thunder, plus the rain would have washed away much of the scent she would have used to find her way back. On top of that, she’s only seven months old with no road sense.

I’ve driven around the area, and at least I didn’t find her on the side of the road, so I guess that’s a good thing. The bad news is that she wears a tag with my phone number and no-one has called, so if she has been picked up by someone, they aren’t pure of heart.

I don’t want you to get all worried about this, I’m worried enough for all of us.

NoMoBelle post #23