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When Hari met Kiri Pt 2

It was a dark and stormy night. Or it would have been if it wasn’t a beautiful balmy Sunday afternoon in the middle of a Californian Spring. Truth be told, there was nary a cloud to be seen (sorry, there’s still a few pirate words hanging around), but a storm was brewing inside the house, one that would change my life forever.

ET and I were doing what we did best, smoking waccy tabbacy and idling away the hours talking about the things we should be doing, when suddenly the phone rang (ok, it didn’t ring any more of a sudden than it usually did, but this is a story, so everything has to have an adjective, or in this case an adverb). It was MDW. Both ET and Mrs ET (although she wasn’t at the time), had known MDW (who also wasn’t yet) for a long time, in fact ET had travelled extensively with her and Chuck (maybe more on him later) in South East Asia.

This shared experience was not looked upon fondly by Mrs ET, who was at the time trying to ensnare ET on a long term basis, so a phone call from MDW was about as welcome as a fart in a space suit. There was an ensuing conversation between ET and Mrs ET full of hushed tones and strained looks, with the upshot being the statement to me to the effect that "MDW needs you to go and help her put some carseat covers on". Now if you’re anything like me (and even if you’re not), you’d be thinking 1) why would she need me, she doesn’t even know me and/or, 2) why would she need help putting carseat covers on?

As it happens, she didn’t ask for me because understandably, in much the same way as I didn’t know her, she didn’t know me too. (now that’s some English right there!) What had transpired was that Mrs ET put her foot down, and ET put his in his mouth and volunteered me for the job to get Mrs ET off his back (if you knew Mrs ET you’d know this was not a comfortable position to be in, we’re talking serious back strain). So it was with high hopes and a hard member that I threw my bike in back of ET’s pickup and we headed to MDW’s apartment, where ET dropped me and my bike off, and then took off like the scurvy bilge rat he is!

Both my high hopes and my hard member were dashed when I realised that MDW really did just need a hand getting the seat covers on, and it wasn’t simply an elaborate ploy to get her some man meat. But the deed was done and here I was, plus there’s no way Mrs ET would have ever believed that MDW wasn’t after her fella, so it was probably all for the best. Anyway, these bastards weren’t your usual stretch terry towelling numbers, they were the real deal, made out of the same vinyl as the originals and were even the same colour. They were, in fact, a DIY reupholstering kit that required the removal of the seats and a couple of hours of genuine grunt work!

However, and if you’ve been reading me for any length of time you know there’s always a however, we eventually got them on and then retired to her apartment for some refreshments and stimulating conversation. Well, at least that’s how I saw it…

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34 Responses

  1. I can’t get, “as welcome as a fart in a space suit out of my head.” Is that anything like a “Dutch Oven?”
    “She didn’t know me too.” (She didn’t no me two, might shed a different light on the whole thing.)
    However, how many interruptions are there going to be before we get these seat covers on?

  2. Was I really first ?
    Now, I’m second, too.

  3. Swampy – No interruptions, they’re on.

  4. wow. i can see that this is about as romantic as i had expected.

    some day i’ll tell you the story of how i met my husband. oh hell, don’t beg, i’ll tell it right now: he got hired in the same place i was already working.

  5. So romantic and mooshy! You are such a sappy guy!

    Just kidding! I can’t imagine what my husband’s tale of our meeting would be, but I doubt it would be full of romance, and I really doubt he’d mention anything about “conversation”. 🙂

    Your humor is awesome!

  6. Hey WT perhaps you missed your calling, there is a need for good comedy writers that you just might be able to fill. (and of course you have proven your romantic writing ability with this piece too, also, as well.)

  7. Oh my my, and the saga continues. Many things cracked me up, but especially the ” about as welcome as a fart in a space suit.” lmao!

    Just had a little confusion due my tired eyes I suppose due to the fact this past weekend we hung out with our friends Mr and Mrs TE and the boy they were caring for it ET – how weird is that? So when I read your Mr ET I kept thinking, but he’s a boy and there IS no Mrs ET. Nevermind, you’da hada been there – now that’s some Missourian talk there. 🙂

  8. when someone is “useless,” I say they are about as effective as a fart in the mitten (for warming up your fingers)
    … but I know that if you pee in a wet suit in Puget Sound, it is effective for warming up everything but your fingers, at least for a few minutes.

    So, a fart in a space suit.. now that one I’m trying to figure out the gravity of the situation.

    Oh… now back to the story. So, your first date was reupholstering her car seats.

  9. Laurie – Glad I didn’t disappoint.

    Stepherz – Hey, it really was just conversation! (you dirty girl)

    Peter – Ah, yeah, ok.

    Melissa – Get a grip! Oh, and vote for Mark!

    Lisa – Now I’m confused.

    Pamela – ‘Date’ is your word, not mine. This was simply the first time we met.

  10. Gee WT, you’re so, like, GLOBAL, and experienced … I’ve never farted in a space suit so I really can’t relate …

  11. I’m loving the fart in a spacesuit remark!

    So are we going to get to hear about the first date?

  12. Fart in a spacesuit? LMAO.

    Funny how you slipped that hard member in there. On the tails of wacky baccy? Consider yourself luck that she only wanted you to cover her seats. Coz, it prolly wouldn’ta worked anyway.

  13. Well you nearly lost my “tired eyes” at paragraph 2, my heads a spinning! But I soldiered on and thought I how romantic, takes me back to the days when my man (or boy at the time) was trying to woo me into the back of his hotted up panel van. Now isn’t that just every girls dream?

    Yeah he thought he was gonna get lucky too! Dream on!

  14. True romance from vinyl seat covers. Sounds…sticky. And somehow you managed to work the word “fart” into it as well.

    You are a star, and you’ve got an award to prove it. Come by my blog to claim it.

  15. Hmmm, and what happened next? Maybe we will find out tomorrow or the next day, week, year?

  16. I can’t believe how many people seem to never have heard the fart in a space suit comment. (It’s still funny if you’ve heard it before.)

    This is much funnier than Hemingway. When do we get to the part where you’re lying there dying of a gangrenous infection and insulting MDW so she doesn’t miss you quite so badly when you’re gone?

  17. I’ll have you know that “nary” is not exactly a pirate word unless the pirates pirated it from some good ol’ southern boy. It’s been used around here since way back when Hector was a pup. 🙂

  18. Hey everyone- I think the comment from “Peter” is really this Peter and he made another site so he could compliment himself when we get too harrassive.

    WT- are you sure you didn’t mean “get IT on” instead of get “THEM” on. That would be a better, sexier story.

  19. “smoking waccy tabbacy” Now I haven’t heard that in a LONG time!! You are always funny! “hard member” LOL!!!

  20. Hmmm so you were ‘paid in kind’!!!

  21. So you took her off the market as a favor to Mrs. ET? What a good friend you are.

  22. maximum headshakin’ going on here in Bergen, Norway. Good thing I tuned in, I think it was just in time….

  23. You didn’t tell us a thing going through your head. Hard member doesn’t count, I didn’t mean THAT head. Just like a man.

  24. Hey, melissa. I want to hear all about last night…when you’re ready.

  25. I must have missed part of this story, b/c I can’t figure out if ET and Mrs. ET are STILL married.

    Sheesh….

  26. I suspect that the wacky tobaccy made the instructions on the DIY even more complicated than they needed to be.

    Looking forward to hearing more.

  27. Hi min! I’ll post about it tomorrow.

    Whose blog is this, anyway? Lots of pet photos here….

  28. “as welcome as a fart in a space suit”. That made me laugh for a really long time.

    Good chapter in the ongoing story. Nice use of parentheses (I do appreciate a nice parenthesis). Keep talkin’.

  29. Ha! Lovin’ that English!

  30. Loved it.

    Sounds like fate.

    Can’t wait to hear about that stimulating conversation. And about Chuck.

  31. ‘Cmon WT … Christmas is coming … *taps foot*.

  32. I only had to read this 2 1/2 times to follow it…

    lovely imagery on multiple occasions…

    and I’m presuming Mrs. ET has no idea you blog…!

  33. DW does not look stout in the wedding picture. Maybe you are a little picky or maybe you like stout women.

    I would rather be called fat that stout, but maybe I am strange.

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